Episode 7 Season 4: Coming out of the F.O.G.

[00:00:00] Hello beloveds and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse. This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor. Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere.

[00:00:28] We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us stuck. This podcast is where faith meets science. Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked.

[00:00:49] She'll show you how to do the same. Each week we'll cover a topic that will show you how to heal trauma for good. Please check out our website and show notes at Christianemotionalrecovery.com Enjoying the Facebook community, Trauma Survivors Unite, Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:01:09] Hello this is Rachel Leroy and I am the host of Christian Emotional Recovery This is season 4 episode 7 and this episode will be called Coming Out of the Fog Coming Out of the Fog season 4 episode 7

[00:01:33] I'm so glad you're here today and this is a new episode of Christian Emotional Recovery And keep in mind that this podcast is for survivors of emotional abuse, emotional neglect, childhood emotional neglect, narcissistic abuse, another forms of trauma and abuse, either adult or childhood experiences.

[00:01:52] Thank you so much for listening and also keep in mind before we start on the episode that there is a Facebook page There is a Facebook group, it is there is a Facebook group, it's Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:02:04] Trauma Survivors Unite, there is a YouTube channel also called Christian Emotional Recovery And check out the website ChristianEmotionalRecovery.com Where the podcast is housed and you can get other freebies and goodies And also check out RachelLeroy.com That's RachelLeroy.com

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[00:02:59] Thank you so much to those who have contributed I've lost a couple of contributors So if you feel god laying it on your heart to contribute I greatly appreciate it Like I said the expenses for the podcast there's more to it than you might think

[00:03:11] I included some information on it a few weeks ago And you can go back and find that information in the show notes of one of the earlier podcasts this season I think it might have been one of the extra ones that was giving updates

[00:03:23] But that helps me to be able to continue to do this because I do live on a tight budget So that helps me to be able to continue to do this work And thank you so much

[00:03:34] So let's go ahead and jump straight in. First of all you may hear a lawnmower in the background I cannot help that I don't record when there's loud noises right in the vicinity But I live, you know just as much as I do

[00:03:47] None of us very few of us live in a bubble And I live in an area where it's kind of spread out There's a lot of grass and a lot of lawns And so at any given time between March and November somebody's cutting their grass

[00:03:58] It's almost impossible to know when somebody's going to do it So I just have to go ahead and cut a An audio even if there's a little background noise So I apologize if all of that does not drown out

[00:04:09] I try to make the sound quality as good as I can Thank you for your patience if there's some bird singing or my cats Rambling around or there's a lawnmower outside I try like I said to cut as much of that out as I can

[00:04:21] But it's not always possible especially in the warmer months here in Georgia where grass grows About nine months out of the year So let's go ahead and jump in Coming out of the fog That's F-O-G like F-P-O-G-P-E-G-P-E-E-E So what is fog? What does that term mean here?

[00:04:42] So fog means fear obligation and guilt It means fear obligation and guilt And for me the way I was wired And some of the people that I was around I was wired very, very strongly to be very manipulated

[00:04:56] For certain people to be able to use fear obligation and guilt To control them and manipulate me just like I was the puppet and they were the puppeteer And they were just just picture the person with the old fashioned

[00:05:08] String puppet and they're manipulating it and making it do what they want And you're on the other end and you can't control it And that's what I picture and that's how I will spend a lot of the younger years of my life And it's unfortunate and it sucks

[00:05:20] But when you see that you're being manipulated like that Especially when somebody uses your good intentions And when somebody uses your good heart they will see that Empathic or that codependent in some cases tendency Or just somebody who's a good person that wants to help other people

[00:05:40] And has a tender conscience and they will clip Clap onto that person and manipulate that they hail out of them And so one of the purposes of this certain episode Is to cut those strings so that that puppeteer cannot control you anymore

[00:05:55] And you can get your life back because no matter what's going on Doing good is a good thing and there is a certain amount of obligation that we feel That might be a good thing that's on our conscience But it's if it's coming from a place that's fearful

[00:06:11] If it's coming from a place that feels just like pure duty And it comes from a place that's just From guilt in from shame Then that's not really always a healthy place for our motives to come from Right? Even the Bible says God loves it's year-for-giver

[00:06:28] And that God doesn't want people that are lukewarm I think what he means by that isn't people that necessarily are radical God just wants people that love him and people that are doing things willingly That comes back to the agency and the autonomy that I've talked about

[00:06:42] Earlier weeks, God respects our free will God doesn't want us to do things under compulsion He wants us to do things because we want to He wants us to do things because we're so outpouring from his love and from his grace

[00:06:55] And we're so grateful for that and it's so sincere that we want to pay that forward That we want to pay it back and that we want to give and help So when we are coming from a place that's genuine and we want to give

[00:07:08] That's totally different than fear obligation and guilt Which is a different thing so I want to get into that to help you to understand it So in today's episode we'll be talking about what is fog And it's not exactly the same thing that's there's more overlap than not

[00:07:23] But emotional manipulation is basically fog is basically a form of emotional manipulation But there's more to emotional manipulation than fog Does that make sense? So we're focusing on fear obligation and guilt That is an acronym that was coined by I forgot the ladies name

[00:07:41] But I'll come back to that and just a little bit until you're a little bit more about where that term came from And so fog is a form of emotional manipulation But there are other forms of emotional manipulation that aren't just fog

[00:07:53] So we're hunting in on fog today because that one I think is especially Important for Christians to be aware of because people will take advantage of your good nature They will use scripture against you to manipulate you or they will use your own good sense

[00:08:08] And your own good heart against you to manipulate you and control you And I don't want you to be in that prison anymore if you are I want you to be able to do things because you want to And that requires examining your motives

[00:08:20] So in today's episode like I said we'll talk about what is fog We'll go over a definition what fog and emotional manipulation look like And we'll break that down into different definitions and different parts of fog How it works how the person that came up with it

[00:08:36] Defines it and then how can Christians, empaths and people with codependency Be especially vulnerable to fog and how do we overcome it That'll be the next section And then lastly ways to respond to emotional blackmail and fog

[00:08:51] And we'll go through some specific strategies that the person that coined this term came up with And as well some of the suggested strategies in the articles that I'm using today So I'm using four articles in my sources today and

[00:09:08] I'm also using I'm going to recommend a couple of books So that will give you some more resources if you want to dig deeper into this So first let's talk about what is fog like I said fog is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt

[00:09:25] And just like it sounds like fog is something where we've talked a lot about emotional manipulation Gas lighting we've talked about subtle manipulation and abuse and how those can go undetected And how they can be the most insidious like emotional neglect

[00:09:43] And in some cases there are conscious and they're done on purpose And in other cases they're unintentional and they're just people who are stressed out Uneducated dealing with other problems I'm not justifying that behavior but just explaining where that comes from

[00:09:58] Or in the case of a child or someone who might have a mental disability It might be something that they're not aware they're doing They may not consciously understand the implications that they're manipulating somebody If that makes sense if they throw a tantrum or something like that

[00:10:11] So we're going to talk about all of that a little bit today So what is fog the definition I'm going to read from Wikipedia I don't use a lot of Wikipedia articles but Honestly, honestly there weren't a lot of resources here

[00:10:25] So there's more books on this than articles and people talk more about emotional manipulation But I wanted to hone in specifically on fear obligation and guilt Because this is one that I've really struggled with and only in the last couple of years

[00:10:39] Have I begun to find some freedom in this area because I've worked really hard to set boundaries And work really hard to understand where this comes from And worked really hard to realize that people who are especially raised in

[00:10:53] Co-dependent religious communities can be raised to believe that if anybody needs help ever In any circumstance they are obligated to help that person And that they can't say no that you can't have any balance here

[00:11:06] And that you're a bad person if you ever have to say no to somebody who's in need Now we are supposed to help people obviously We are supposed to help people in need And that doesn't mean that we just say oh well, you know

[00:11:18] I can't do it and you never do it because you go to the far the other way There's a balance there I think And I think the key is to find that balance as it works for you You know, I've talked about the spoon theory before too

[00:11:30] And the spoon theory is basically that Each person has their own units of energy that they can expand each day And some people God gave more to than others If you have for example a chronic condition Or maybe your older or maybe you have certain health conditions

[00:11:46] Or you have certain emotional conditions It might be harder for you to do more to your in the day And there are people who can get my on four hours of sleep They're in good health they have good mental health You know, there's everything in between obviously

[00:11:58] But you see what I'm saying where some people may have a spoon You may give a spoon to taking a shower that day You may give a spoon to walking your dog You may give a spoon to help in the lady down the street Moher lawn

[00:12:08] You get the idea You may give three spoons to go to work and do everything with work that day And maybe some people have 10 spoons to give a day And some people have 25

[00:12:18] And you may have a different amount of spoons different times of your life in different days But the point is, is you have to meet yourself where you're at And give what you can give God is not one us to give until we're in empty well

[00:12:31] And there's nothing left to give That's not healthy we can't continue to give We have to take care of ourselves and find that balance That's one of many reasons why we cannot give in to fear obligation and guilt And we need to understand emotional blackmail

[00:12:46] So we can live the balance life that God intended us to live So we can live a happy life and give to other people as and when we can That doesn't mean it's always convenient It doesn't mean it always feels good

[00:12:59] But there is a limit to what we can do And we need to know what that limit is And we also need to know the difference between someone genuinely and need And somebody who won't do anything for themselves And they're just trying to manipulate people out of resources

[00:13:11] Help assistance and maybe being an emotional vampire So in those cases we have no obligation to help that person And actually we're enabling them if we do So there's a lot of layers here To kind of weave through And understanding what emotional blackmail is

[00:13:28] When we should give and when that's healthy And when we shouldn't give and when that's unhealthy So there are a lot of different caveats and exceptions And different layers to this So keep that in mind as well Okay, so in Wikipedia, emotional blackmail and fog

[00:13:47] Our terms popularized by psychotherapists Susan forward Susan forward is the lady that wrote a book about this in the 90s And she coined this term So this comes from psychotherapists Susan forward And it's been around for a while actually But she coined it about controlling people in relationships

[00:14:07] And the theory that fear, obligation and guilt Are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller And the person being controlled Understanding these dynamics is useful to anyone Trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior Of another person and deal with their own compulsions

[00:14:26] To do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome Or self-sacrificing for others So let me read that last sentence again Understanding these dynamics is useful for anyone Trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior Of another person and deal with their own compulsions

[00:14:43] To do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome Or self-sacrificing for others So I might say you should never do anything self-sacrificing No, but it's the context of it It's the motive behind it It's the circumstances around it that make it what it is

[00:15:01] So a little bit more about fear, obligation and guilt That was Wikipedia And that was emotional blackmail, the definition In another article there is a website called BPD family Facing emotionally intense relationships That's the website There's an article called Emotional Blackmail Fear, obligation and guilt

[00:15:23] And I don't see an author here I'm assuming it was written by whoever creates this website But it talks about fear, obligation and guilt And how we allow loved ones to control us Here it says in their 1997 book Emotional Blackmail

[00:15:41] When the people in your life use fear, obligation and guilt To manipulate you So that's the title of the book by Susan Ford and Donna Frasier It states that Emotional Blackmail, this is the definition from their book that they're quoting

[00:15:54] Emotional Blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us Threaten to punish us for not doing what they want Emotional Blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets

[00:16:09] They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers No matter how much they care about us They will use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance According to Ford and Frasier, fear, obligation and guilt Fog are the tools of emotional manipulators

[00:16:27] And then it says Emotional Blackmail and Fog Terms coined by Psychotherapists Susan Ford PhD Are about controlling relationships And the theory that fear, obligation and guilt Fog are the transactional dynamics that play between the controller and the person being controlled Understanding these dynamics are useful is useful

[00:16:48] Grimmer to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person And deal with their own compulsive students to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome or self-sacrificing

[00:16:59] So that's the definition and I know just some of these articles are using some of the exact same language So I don't know who's stealing what ideas from whom But yeah, there's a lot of some of them were the wording was exactly the same

[00:17:11] And it was some minor plagiarism going on but anyway, so that is the definition of fear obligation and guilt-slash emotional blackmail manipulation Okay, so that's what it is And I've talked a little bit about the nature of it and how it can be hidden

[00:17:28] I'm really talking about these hidden things because these are the things that need to be brought to the light These are the things that need to be washed away in truth and in healing And so what is fog?

[00:17:41] So we talked about what fog is a definition of it. Why does it often obscure our clarity in this is called fog? So the reason for that is because if somebody is so wired, especially if you're wired from birth

[00:17:57] If you were raised in a and unhealthy Christian home, then this is going to be especially true for you Because you probably, you might have been raised by one narcissist and one codependent in a lot of cases

[00:18:09] Where you were taught that you have to do this and you have to do that And the compulsion is so strong that it just there's a there's a term and I'm actually in this group where it's a spiritual OCD religious OCD

[00:18:24] And it's an actual thing and it's partly because some people may be wired to be sensitive to things like this I kind of am and then there are some people who are raised in situations where the obligation is overpowering

[00:18:38] And stifling and it's like this you have to do this, you ought to do that And it's just so heavy and so burdensome. They're not taught this overwhelming love of God Or there's these contradictions where there's this overwhelming love that they're still fear obligation and guilt

[00:18:53] That's kind of how I was raised and it's very confusing and those two things to me are contradictory I just I don't even the Bible says perfect love cast out fear So fear obligation and guilt are all branches of fear

[00:19:07] And so if you're doing things out of fear and because you feel like you have to If you feel like you have to there's a reason you're scared not to right So being able to find that balance and rooting yourself in the mode of that is healthy

[00:19:23] Will allow you to be able to do things like I said in a healthy way But why does it often obscure? Why is it often obscured because we're because our religious obligation becomes so entangled with this toxic pattern

[00:19:40] That it becomes difficult to separate them and then we feel guilty if we start backing off and saying no and not doing stuff Because we feel like am I being less of a Christian and I'm not being as good of a person

[00:19:50] And it might just be that we're finding balance for people who have been codependent their whole lives and people Pleaseers and spent their whole lives trying over doing overdoing things and self sacrificing to the point of their own destruction

[00:20:05] And maybe giving in to people who are abusive and manipulative and demanding And they see that you're a kind person and they see your good person and they take advantage of that

[00:20:15] Then it can feel strange and we can even even feel guilty when you back off from that and you set boundaries And you say no and you start questioning your motives and you start thinking about what's you're really doing it and why

[00:20:27] But what you're really doing is you're examining your heart and your motives and you're examining the truth behind what you do So that is not something you should feel guilty about. I'll say it again. It is not something you should feel guilty about

[00:20:39] It is okay to not be manipulated and controlled by others. It is okay to take a step back and rest It is okay to say no It is okay to find balance in your life that does not mean you don't ever help somebody

[00:20:52] It doesn't mean you don't ever do anything that's not easy to help somebody It just means that you know your motives. You don't let people control the manipulate you and you have clarity on those things

[00:21:03] So to lift that fog we're going to talk about strategies to help you to know what manipulation looks like To help you to see how people use fog in terms of specific techniques and specific strategies

[00:21:17] To help you to see how the dynamics interplay between a victim and an abuser or somebody who's using this tactic And we're going to talk a little bit about how that affects Christians, empaths, healers and people with codependency

[00:21:30] Because they're especially vulnerable to fog to fear obligation and guilt So what is fog and emotional manipulation? What do they look like? What does fog and emotional manipulation look like? So to start with that we'll look at types of emotional blackmail types of emotional blackmail

[00:21:51] And there is an article like I said it's from bpdfamily.com Bpdfamily.com And so common controller styles of bpd So the common controller styles of emotional manipulation are Let's look at those. Let's look at those So in the article bpd family

[00:22:16] Common controller styles it says there are a number of styles of control in behavior Each type of controller operates with a different vocabulary and each gives a different span to the demands, pressures, threats and negative judgments that they use

[00:22:29] And also want to put a note here that they're not mutually exclusive. They can overlap Okay, some people use multiple ones or or are multiple ones of these at the same time The first one are punishers. Eat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt you

[00:22:44] Now that's obviously pretty direct, but that's just an example of this can happen in different degrees And it says they let us know exactly what they want and the consequences will face if we don't give it to them

[00:22:55] They may express themselves aggressively or they may smolder and silence And then the next one self-puniters eat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt myself So this one you know is like I said these can happen in different degrees as well

[00:23:09] Self-puniters turn the threat inward threatening that what they will do to themselves if they don't get their way Hydrama and an ear of crisis often blamed on the controlled surround self-puniters who are often excessively needy independent They often don't have boundaries They so that's one issue with them

[00:23:28] Suffers eat the food I cooked for you. I need it for myself I wonder what will happen now So sufferers are blameers and guilters who expect us to figure out what they want and ensure that they get it

[00:23:39] Suffers take the position that if they feel miserable sick, unhappy or are just plain unlucky We're expected to help them even if they haven't told us how Okay, so basically in no uncertain times if we don't help them they will suffer and it will be our fault

[00:23:56] You know, and then the next one is tantalizers tantalizers eat the food I could for you and you just may get a really great dessert Now people obviously do this with their kids, you know trying to get them to eat

[00:24:09] And so that's why it's careful to you got to be careful to look at the context of the situation in this case It's not always manipulation or a bad thing But in some cases it is just a bait and switch or it's just downright bribery

[00:24:24] tantalizers put us through a series of tests and hold out a promise of something wonderful if we'll just give them their way They are the subtlest controllers They encourage us and promise us love or money or career advancement

[00:24:36] And then make it clear that unless we behave as they want us to we won't get the prize Many tantalizers promise emotional payoffs full of love, acceptance, family closeness and healed wounds So basically that is it's an manipulative form of a reward tactic

[00:24:53] They may or may not give you the reward But if somebody withholds love or makes their love conditional based on whether or not you do something for them That is not love that is not love that's different than a mom giving asking her kid finish

[00:25:08] His broccoli and if he finishes his broccoli he can have a cookie That's a totally different thing That's more of a bargaining tool than manipulation There's some gray area there, but you see the difference

[00:25:19] So that's a little bit about the four different types of controlling styles and manipulators So a little bit more about how does emotional manipulation work So in the original book that forward wrote

[00:25:37] She said it takes two now I am very sensitive to that term because when I was growing up I was in a situation where I was being manipulated and abused by somebody who had a lot more power than me

[00:25:52] And I was told by a lot of people that I was had an issue with conflict And I knew for a fact it was the other person because I got along with most other people

[00:26:01] It was just this person and they would say well it takes two you figure it out So I understand when people use that term to manipulate you When there is an actual situation of an abuser and a survivor or a victim

[00:26:12] But there are situations where two people interact and there is tug of war And there's two people that are equally fault And but in this situation this is a little bit different

[00:26:26] But let me just go ahead and read it. It says it takes two this isn't the BPD family article It says controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people With both playing a part the controller and the controlled

[00:26:39] So the controlled person, it's not their fault And I'm not blaming them but that's it's a two person dynamic here for it to happen Is what it means when it says it takes two here It doesn't mean the controlled is it fault anyway

[00:26:52] The controllers the one it fault not the controlled But in this case it does take two people for it to happen So for the controller the role is having dysfunctional psychological defenses and coping mechanisms For the controlled the role is providing an enabling reaction to this dysfunctional reaction

[00:27:10] The transaction has four parts, the demand, the resistance, pressure and threats and compliance So this is what happens when somebody is using emotional manipulation or fog on somebody And there is a controller and a controlled The demand, this can be direct

[00:27:26] I don't want your mother coming here or indirect Nothing's wrong I know you don't have time to listen to my petty problems by the controller So they're just first they make a demand or they start to manipulate you They start in on their think

[00:27:39] So the second one is the resistance Objection to the demand at some level by the controlled Resistance the third one is pressure and threats Pressure and threats can be subtle or quite direct Pressure and threats can be subtler, quite direct

[00:27:53] And then the last one if the person gives in the controlled Give in its compliance It's compliance, giving in by the control to the pressure and threats And doing something uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome or self-sacrificing So that's when they give into this person's threats, pressure, control, manipulation or tantrums

[00:28:13] So that's how it works There's the demand, the resistance, the pressure and threats and then compliance So that's the dynamic of it So you can identify it, you can see it and you can start to protect yourself from it And when you see yourself in that situation

[00:28:26] You can start to back up So you may be asking, so you may be asking Well how do I do that? You get caught in this tangled web with this person And you feel like a fly that just flew right into the spider web

[00:28:38] And it's sticky and it's like, okay I'm kind of getting stuck here but I'm not completely stuck What do I do to un-mash myself from this situation? And so we'll get to that in just a little bit

[00:28:50] But first I want to talk a little bit about what they look like How it operates, you can see it very clearly And you can start to clear the fog from your mind when you're in this situation

[00:29:01] So how do you read the signs of emotional blackmail on the controllers part? First of all Now there's an article in Positive Psychology This article is called 18 Waste a Handle Emotional Blackmail 18 Waste a Handle Emotional Blackmail And it's by Karen Doll or Doll Doll

[00:29:24] She has a PhD in Psychology And so this article gives you a very comprehensive look at Emotional blackmail, what it is, how to handle it, what it looks like The different strategies people use and different strategies you can do To help yourself back off from that

[00:29:41] Not become manipulated by people and to protect yourself in the future So this is a really good comprehensive, really long article on emotional blackmail Is what it focuses on even though it does mention fear obligation and guilt And it does mention Susan Ford's book, emotional blackmail

[00:29:59] A little bit about the techniques that controllers use Let's look at that So here in the article it says because the tactics can be covert Emotional blackmail may be difficult to spot Especially for those who may experience more vulnerabilities to it According to Ford, she says blackmailers

[00:30:19] Make it nearly impossible to see how they're manipulating us Because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions All the while we attempt to fight back They ensure that we literally can't see what is happening to us

[00:30:31] They can use covert techniques that create confusion by one Making their demands seem reasonable Two, make the victim feel selfish I got that when a lot growing up A lot Pathologizing or making the victim seem as though they are crazy

[00:30:47] Ally was someone of influence to intimidate the victim And there are warning signs of emotional blackmail in a relationship So those were the covert techniques that are used by the controller Now in the positive psychology article, the warning signs of emotional blackmail

[00:31:05] If one person frequently apologizes for things that are not there doing Such as the manipulators outburst, bad day or negative behaviors You're apologizing for their behavior That's not the way it should happen They should be apologizing for their behavior, not you You don't make them do anything

[00:31:23] That's different than somebody holding a string Trying to get a reaction on purpose Think you react and then they blame you That's gaslighting, you see the difference So another warning sign is if one person insists on their way or nothing

[00:31:38] Even if it is at the expense of their partner or the other person So if they're black and white thinking and there's only two ways And there's more than two ways that could be viable here That could be a sign

[00:31:50] It seems to be a one-way street of sacrificing compliance You're the one making all the sacrifices and compromises Or one person feels intimidated or threatened to obey your comply So those are warning signs of emotional manipulation and fear obligation and guilt

[00:32:05] And how people will try to obscure it and make it look and confuse you Does that make sense? They're trying to manipulate you and confuse you What are the impacts on the victim or the survivor?

[00:32:16] So the victim it says the victim of emotional blackmail typically feels insecure, unvalued and unworthy This is still the positive psychology article They often struggle with low self-esteem and doubt their own needs Victims can demonstrate the following characteristics of approval seeking people pleasing Extreme compassion and empathy

[00:32:36] Tendency to take blame Tendency to feel pity for others Try to avoid conflict, peacekeeping habits Strong sense of responsibility in doing quote the right thing Fear of abandonment Sensitivity, inclination to personalize things Fear of anger, self-doubt, low self-esteem

[00:32:56] Now keep in mind that some of these qualities are good to have And highly sensitive people like empaths and people like that Can have high senses of empathy and keep peacekeeping And even the Bible talks about blessed or the peacemakers So these are not necessarily bad qualities

[00:33:16] But they are qualities that in some cases if somebody has a lot of them Not just one or two but a lot of them They're going to be more likely to be a target for somebody who tends to manipulate people

[00:33:27] And they may be more easily manipulated until they empower and educate themselves And set boundaries which is what we're doing here So those are some of the impacts on the victim or the survivor as I prefer to call them

[00:33:41] So some of the techniques that emotional manipulators and blackmailers use Still in the positive psychology, article Here are some examples of demands and threats in emotional blackmail So some of these are violence or just a little trigger warning there

[00:33:57] But if I ever see another man look at you, I will kill them If you ever stop loving me, I will kill myself I've already discussed this with our pastor, therapist, friends, family And they agree that you are being unreasonable I'm taking this vacation with or without you

[00:34:12] How can you say you love me and still be friends with them? You've ruined my life and now you're trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself It was your fault that I was late for work

[00:34:21] If you wouldn't cook an unhealthy way, I wouldn't be overweight I would have gotten ahead in my career if you had done more at home So emotional blackmail is some kind of threat to the other person Whether it's underhanded, subtle passive aggressive or direct and straightforward

[00:34:37] So that's different than asserting your needs and setting a boundary Setting a boundary is when you're just trying to take care of yourself And you're not trying to hurt the other person Emotional blackmail, feel fear obligation and guilt

[00:34:49] Go into your space and invade your space without your permission If that makes sense, they try to ommesh with you They try to control what you do That's the difference between you setting a boundary You're not telling the other person what they can and can't do for themselves

[00:35:05] But you're telling them what you can and can't do in that situation Regarding them, that's different than controlling someone So keep in mind that they have all kinds of strategies and things that they say

[00:35:17] Things like if you don't take care of me, I'll wind up in the hospital on the street Unable to work, you'll never see your kids again in the case of like a divorce Maybe I'll make you suffer, you'll destroy this family

[00:35:28] You're not my child anymore, you'll be sorry I'm cutting you out of the wheel, I'll get sick I can't make it without you Those are some of the strategies and some of the things that emotional Manipulators will say to try to control you

[00:35:43] And in some case cases they know you're a good person And they'll try to use your good wheel in order to control you so that they can get what they want It's pretty sick It is pretty sick

[00:35:55] And so those are some of the warning signs and some of the examples of phrases that people who are doing that to you might use So those are ones to look out for, especially if somebody uses them frequently or there's a pattern there So below this

[00:36:10] Like I said, there were examples of blackmail in that article But let's talk a little bit about how Christians, empaths and people with codependency Can be especially vulnerable to fog and how do we overcome it? So as Christians, like I said, we're called to love others

[00:36:28] I've already talked about this a little bit so I'll just add a little bit here But many people will take advantage of this Sometimes even in the church And sometimes people that are raised us Or people we were raised around that raised us

[00:36:41] In fear obligation and guilt instead of in love And security that makes us want to do things for other people for the right reasons So there's this messed up combination where there's sometimes real love And that's mixed in with fear obligation and guilt

[00:36:59] And that just makes it more confusing And that's why understanding the difference between setting a boundary and enmeshment Understanding the difference between taking care of your own needs And speaking up for yourself and manipulation and control Fear obligation and guilt Seeing those subtle differences, it takes practice

[00:37:18] It takes time and the first few times you won't be as good at it But if you keep working on it, you will get better at it I have worked so hard on myself because I was so vulnerable to this And I'm still working on it

[00:37:31] I still have that tug in my heart And this guilt where when I back away from people who are toxic I feel like I'm doing something wrong I feel like I'm a bad person And I'll be honest that there are probably relationships I have not ended

[00:37:44] Because I don't want to hurt that person And I'm the kind of person that will go and be around somebody That claims to love me And they do love me in their own un-help the way And I will put my emotional well-being

[00:38:00] At risk in order to show this person that I love them Because I don't want them to feel the way that I've felt And so sometimes when you have these relationships, it can get complicated And sometimes you may have to limit contact

[00:38:15] In other cases you may have to end a relationship completely It just depends on the situation How much you can negotiate how toxic they are And where you're at in your healing journey So as Christians though, empaths, healers, people that are highly sensitive

[00:38:33] And people that are more vulnerable to this for example People that may have codependency that are healing from it Have to be especially careful to protect themselves And this is even more rampant in like I said in religious, spiritual and helping communities

[00:38:48] So it's just something to be aware of and to look out for Don't let people manipulate you out of fear obligation and guilt though If you say no and they will not respect your decision And they continue to pressure you

[00:39:01] That is a very good indication that that person is a manipulator on some level Now there are some things I want to add here Because there are cases where people tend to overthink this And think everybody is out to get them and everybody's trying to manipulate

[00:39:17] Them and guilt them and all that And I know some people like that too And it's very sad to see them continuously sabotage relationships Because they don't give people any grace or any space Or any room to be imperfect So there's room, there's wiggle room here

[00:39:34] And every time somebody does one of these things It doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to manipulate you in every case Sometimes people will really need help And they will be kind of persistent about needing help Because they really do need help Or that's a great area, right?

[00:39:53] Or like a child A child there is a tantrum in the grocery store Because they want candy, they're four years old They don't have higher brain function like a Even like a 14 year old Even though a 14 year old doesn't like a 24 year old

[00:40:08] And so on you get the idea But if four year old's through an attention In the grocery store and the parent just doesn't want to see They're embarrassed, they just want their child They don't want to deal with it That is difficult Because the child doesn't know

[00:40:22] Hey, I'm manipulating my parent to get what I want They just know that a certain behavior They want something and they don't get it Maybe they're in a bad mood or something They don't have the higher brain function And then they just let go Okay

[00:40:37] And so in those cases they're not being mental issues They don't understand the implications of what they're doing They're just a child And they're just trying to figure out the world And I'm not saying their tantrum should be tolerated

[00:40:49] No, that's the other side of it that we're going to talk about Is you giving in to somebody Enables them whether it's a child Then they'll know that it works and then they'll more likely to become A manipulative abuser themselves when they get older

[00:41:00] But if you say set boundaries and you're like, nope, no sir We don't do that and you say no And then they have a screaming fit and you just let them have the fit That's not fun That's not easy, guys, awful Actually But you teach that child

[00:41:15] And then you like comfort them And you're like, hey, it's okay You know, you're teaching them You don't yell at them And tell them they're terrible and like abuse them But like by setting that boundary commonly and sticking with it Whether it's a child or an adult

[00:41:31] You're actually not enabling that behavior to continue And if you keep doing that over and over that personal will realize This person is not going to give in to me They're going to keep trying for a while And some people will be more stubborn than others

[00:41:44] Child or an adult And the reason I'm comparing children and adults Is that some adults have worse Higher brain function and self-control than some children And that is the truth Some children Acts more mature than some adults And like we've all seen adults throw tantrums

[00:42:01] If they don't get their way So that's, you know, as Christians though It's harder It is harder because we've got that tender conscience And we've got that calling to love people And a lot of us that were raised in Christian homes We also have fear obligation and guilt

[00:42:17] Ingrained so deeply under our psyche It takes years to get that out There's a difference between wanting to help people And just be like, I'm not helping anybody ever again And then just shutting your door and yelling at the kids On the lawn, it's tough

[00:42:31] You know there's a difference between that And you know finding that balance So you don't have to go too far the other way But I just want you to be aware that in religious communities This is where people can be even more vulnerable

[00:42:45] Especially if you were raised in some twisted combination of love Fear obligation and guilt And emotional abuse cycles And also religious training It can be kind of confusing if that makes sense So how do we respond to emotional blackmail and fog What do we do about it?

[00:43:04] How do we empower ourselves? How do we lift the fog? How do we know what's going on? How do we respond to people when they do this to us? So it's not about saying you are doing this I know what you're doing and getting all in their face

[00:43:17] That doesn't work You've got to be more subtle You've got to be more savvy And a lot of that may be grey rocking Grey rocking is I've talked about before If you're around somebody who's toxic Manipulative, maybe narcissistic You may just need to be courteous

[00:43:33] Talk about neutral topics Don't immish don't get talk about anything that they can drag you Into don't let them manipulate you Stick to the basics and keep it simple Ok, so grey rocking is one strategy But I want to get into more detail here

[00:43:49] Talking about how to respond to blackmail Emotional blackmail and fog So in positive psychology There's a section called How to handle emotional manipulation And in this How to handle emotional blackmail section in the positive psychology article

[00:44:11] It talks about if you are someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship It is difficult to know where to start But in her book Invisible Chains Overcoming coercive control in your intimate relationship Lisa, Iranson, Fontez Provides controlling relationship assessment

[00:44:30] Taking an assessment may be a useful way to start reflecting And identifying the abuse of behaviors that are occurring Her book also provides ways to help Recognize the controlling behavior Any kind of any kind Recognize controlling behaviors of all kinds And that's why we go through these lists

[00:44:48] I'm educating you, I'm empowering you I'm helping you to recognize this so you can protect yourself Understand why this destructive pattern occurs Determine whether or not you are in danger Or if you're partner or the other person can change Protect yourself and your kids

[00:45:03] Find the support and resources you need Take action to improve or end your relationship Regain your freedom and independence And then it says in four to book there's a chapter called it takes two Talked about it earlier And she encourages the victim of emotional blackmail

[00:45:18] To take responsibility for their behavior And their previous compliance with the blackmail process Now that's not to blame the person But that's just to take your power back where you have the power to do so And it says the blackmail process does not work effectively

[00:45:33] Without both parties actively participating Forward offers this perspective Not as a way for victims to beat themselves up or to place playing Rather she provides this point of view With an empowering approach to victims To recognize what they can change and control In her introduction she states

[00:45:52] Change is the scariest word in the English language No one likes it, almost everyone is terrified of it And most people including me will become exquisitely creative to avoid it Our actions may be making us miserable But the idea of doing anything differently is worse

[00:46:07] Yet if there's one thing I know with absolute certainty Both personally and professionally it is this Nothing will change in our lives until we change our behavior That's her quote And then the article says in order to best handle emotional blackmail

[00:46:21] The victim must bring a new mindset approach to the situation in a different way This will require gaining insight into what's going on in the blackmail dynamics And learning to detach from their intense emotions

[00:46:33] So it can be useful for victims to explore what demands are making them feel uncomfortable In doing so you will recognize what boundaries need to be put in place You must decide what is okay and not okay with you

[00:46:45] In a relationship and understand the abusive impact of emotional blackmail Appreciating how emotional abuse wears victims down Can validate your experience of feeling hopeless and lacking confidence I would also say it validates your experience that is really happening

[00:47:00] That you're not crazy and that you are being abused in these cases So it talks about change being scary It goes on and on about that and then Susan Ford asserts That we all have a choice about how to engage in a relationship

[00:47:13] We can accept things as we are they are We can negotiate for healthy or relationships or we can end the relationship Those are the options accept things as they are Negotiate for a healthier relationship or end the relationship

[00:47:27] So no relationship is worth the cost of our emotional or mental well being And so it talks about victims learning to set boundaries And that even if you don't feel courageous or confident after having been emotionally abused You can still take a different action

[00:47:43] So sometimes you have to do it a fright I've done this so many times I set my mind for a while that I was going to set boundaries with certain people That I was going to stop letting certain people do certain things

[00:47:53] And I did it over and over and over every time I was so scared And I did it again and again and again and again And it is not easy as scary But the more you do it the easier it gets

[00:48:04] And the more empowered you feel and the more you are able to do it again Especially after the first time or two Victims must take action to change the course rather than waiting for the other person to change Because they are not gonna

[00:48:19] Other people rarely change on their own Either they are a good person and you need to point it out to them And then maybe they will make changes or more times than not If they are doing something manipulative they are not going to change

[00:48:30] So they are going to pretend to change And then act better for a while and then go back to their own behavior So just be aware that's a pattern for abusers Victims can self-assess through the process And then they will be able to do the same thing

[00:48:42] Victims can self-assess through the process And then it just continues to develop clarity Become empowered and confident So there is a lot more there But I am not going to read all that

[00:48:55] So she goes and the author goes into all kinds of things that you can do to empower yourself And some of these come from the forward book The book by forward In the ad of the fog.com Add to the fog.web site

[00:49:11] Article it gives you a very direct list of what to do and what not to do in this situation What not to do? If you are living in fog for your obligation and guilt Don't forget it's harder to see everything clearly in the fog

[00:49:24] So everything you see isn't everything that is there Don't rely purely on your gut instincts or feelings to guide you Because your feelings are mostly negative Don't allow yourself to be isolated

[00:49:35] And for the person with the personality disorder to be the only person you talk to on a regular basis on the subject Don't stop doing things that are good for you Healthy behaviors, friends, work, recreation etc Don't sustain any situation or relationship

[00:49:49] Or you do not have the option to say no Where it is reasonable to do so No, nobody who is a true friend will demand yes 100% of the time Healthy relationships are two way streets Not one way streets and anyone who is a true friend

[00:50:03] Or who truly loves you will give as much as they receive And don't sacrifice taking care of yourself in order to help another person that just makes both people poor I don't know what that means But it just makes both people depleted

[00:50:19] So what do you do? What do you do? This is still in the out of the fog website Learn all you can about personality disorders Get yourself a support network where you can discuss things that concern you without feeling judged

[00:50:32] Work on setting boundaries that will help you escape the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness Try to add logical rash, try to add logical rational thought to every emotional thought of fear, obligation and guilt

[00:50:47] Try to substitute what really works for what feels right when you are making decisions In other words, sometimes you have to overragine feelings and make a different choice here That doesn't mean you don't acknowledge how you feel

[00:50:58] It doesn't mean you don't process how you feel but you don't, you don't push that stuff down But you are like I feel this way but I'm going to do this instead And that is how you can't let your fear control you

[00:51:09] It's scary as heck that you've got to make the decision that will help you to do it And you've got to do it over and over and over again It's tough It's tough I'm not going to lie But you can do this You can do this

[00:51:21] You've got this Just take one step Just do one thing at a time You only have to think about that one time when you're doing it And then it says promptly, remove yourself and any innocent children from any emotionally or physically I would say abusive situations

[00:51:36] So those are some to do and to not do's in the out of the fog website article So a couple of last things to wrap up how do you respond to emotional blackmailing fog What do you do? There are five steps in the DPD family website article

[00:51:55] And so you change your response it says and you change your life In the simplest sense to change this dynamic we need to alter the way we respond to it So first step one don't respond to the moment a demand is made

[00:52:07] I'll say it again, don't respond to the moment a demand is made Now somebody will put you on the spot and you'll become flustered But I've learned a phrase that I can always rely on that will come to me no matter what

[00:52:18] And that is let me get back to you on that Let me get back to you on that So if you don't know what else to say you can say let me get back to you on that It tends to neutralize their emotions some

[00:52:27] And it gives you time to step back and think So you can make the right response for yourself Give yourself time to think and assess the matter We want to respond not react Remember I've said many times before the point of power

[00:52:41] Is that space between the trigger and the reaction And the longer you can create that space between those two things That is the more likely you are to make a good decision to use your higher brain function And to make good choices

[00:52:56] Step two, let go of your emotional ties to being controlled At least briefly and try to be an independent observer So step back don't immesh and look at it logically Observe, observe, look at it logically Step three respond in a constructive way

[00:53:13] Non-defensive communication do not defend or explain your decision or your self in response to pressure as my cat Use phrases like I'm sorry you're so upset I can understand how it might you might feel that way Without fuel from you the controllers attempts that

[00:53:29] Weren't so well in the past will fizzle I know this because I've dealt with some very hard core people Who sometimes I just have to be around them And they are very toxic and very unhealthy To the point of maybe psychopathy And these strategies don't always work

[00:53:45] But they definitely work a hell of a lot better than reacting Then getting flustered Then giving them the reaction they want They want you in the cases where they really toxic They want you to be flustered They want you to fill out a control

[00:53:58] Because that's what they get off on that's what they enjoy That's how they control you and manipulate you And if you step back and you're calm and you're rational And you observe You practice or roleplay ahead of time And you have some strategies and tools

[00:54:12] And then as soon as you, you know the more you do this The more you practice the more you study And learn this stuff just like if you're taking a test You get that you had the answer comes to you

[00:54:21] So when you're in that situation your mind might go blank But the more you do it the more it will come to you The more the higher brain function will happen Consider how to respond to the person In a constructive way Without name calling labeling or negative judgments

[00:54:38] In listing the controller as an ally Sound strange but sometimes you can negotiate a little bit When emotional control reaches an impasse It's often helpful to shift the conversation By involving the other person in your problem-solving process Approach with curiosity and willingness to learn Bardering if it's

[00:54:56] Works in that situation When you want another person to change his or her behavior And at the same time you acknowledge that you want to make a change of your own Barder may be an order It's a win-win. It enables resentments to be put aside Using humor

[00:55:10] I wouldn't do that with people who are really toxic But it might work for some people Step four, be ready for some pushback or more aggressive responses Often things will get worse before they get better I resolve will be tested This is common in any type of relationship

[00:55:27] Retaining we need to have perseverance and confidence That both sides will eventually adjust And will end or reduce the feelings of being controlled Step five, periodically evaluate your process So keep a log of events, actions and outcomes If it's helpful for your purpose

[00:55:45] A lot can be learned from looking at your history You'll also see how you've grown And you compact yourself on the back for your courage, your hard work And know that God's got your back God wants us to have healthy relationships

[00:55:57] God doesn't want people that are controlled and manipulated God doesn't want toxic abuse in his house And in his domain and in his work Where people are trying to be doing things for the Lord God wants love, God wants kindness God wants willingness

[00:56:15] And so a lot it says can be learned from looking at history What works, what does not and if progress is being made All of this should be factored into our decisions of how we go forward

[00:56:26] And then like I said, that's some of the ways that you can respond When you're in a specific situation like that And sorry, the lawnmower is still making a lot of loud noise But How to stop emotional blackmail

[00:56:41] There are a lot of things that you can do to stop it And this is the last article I'm going to read from Thank you for following me This one is research heavy There's a lot more here than in some of the topics that I go over

[00:56:57] But some ways that you can stop emotional blackmail Are, you know, some of the techniques I've already listed But I'm not going to go through these because of time But there are three strategies in the positive psychology article

[00:57:15] That I think you might want to take a look at There's a contract And that's when you list a number of promises you would make to yourself It identifies basic ground rules for you to follow Take time every day to read the contract aloud

[00:57:26] So it might be I, John Smith, recognize myself as an adult With options and choices and I commit myself to the process Of actively getting emotional blackmail out of my relationships And out of my life In order to reach that goal I make the following promises

[00:57:41] And then there's a list I want read all of them And then there's a signature And then you could like read that every day to remind yourself And then a power statement I think this is based on forward to work as well

[00:57:52] And this is in the positive psychology article But it says another way to deal with emotional blackmail Is to create your own power statement Repeating a power statement can ground you when the pressure is turned up By the manipulator For example, I'm not doing this

[00:58:05] I won't do this It might be something you just say to yourself But you say it I will not do this This power statement is succinct and impactful Like a mantra And it works because it directly canors the belief that moves us to compliance

[00:58:19] That we can't stand the pressure You can do it, you can do it Okay, self-affirming phrases is another one By backing down and giving in You may feel a lot of negative emotions I'm not going to read all of those But in order to change these emotions

[00:58:34] It's important to start with changing your thoughts Develop some self-affirming thoughts And patterns to retrieve and repeat Especially when that stuff comes in That's when you use this stuff That's why I give you these tools So there are different levels of how you can do this

[00:58:49] But self-affirming statements Could be things that you say to yourself To give yourself confidence and to give yourself grounding And to know that you can do it For example And then lastly, what can it sound like to the manipulator If you are taking responsibility If they're taking responsibility

[00:59:10] In some cases they will It's rare But if they're a healthy or person Maybe it's just lost their way Some, they might say something like Can you help me? Tell me how I can express this in a way That doesn't make you feel bad

[00:59:21] And willing to get help I don't want my behaviors to make you feel so bad What does another way I can say this to you What can I do that will help you to feel safe Where can I learn to better deal with conflict

[00:59:32] I want to improve how I communicate with you Now, if there's been a pattern of this person Saying things like this and they're just saying it string you along They're just love bombing you that's different than somebody who

[00:59:44] Maybe has a pattern of being healthy more of the time And they've got an off track So you gotta look at the larger context Are they manipulating you again or are they sincere? Sadly sometimes it's hard to know So you just have to kind of observe

[00:59:57] And be skeptical and have an open mind And just see what comes up Okay, so that's it For fear obligation and guilt and emotional manipulators We have gone through coming out of the fog And we've talked about what fog and emotional manipulation look like

[01:00:18] How Christians, empaths and people with codependency Can be especially vulnerable to fog and emotional manipulation And how to overcome it We've talked about ways to respond to emotional blackmailing fog Two books that I recommend one is out of the fog

[01:00:33] By Dana Morningstar that has been a pivotal book that's made a huge difference in my life I read it several years ago It's detailed It's comprehensive and it's very helpful It's out of the fog by Dana Morningstar

[01:00:44] And then the other book that I'll recommend I'll put it in the show notes Is the original book that was referred to several times in the four articles Now I haven't read that book I am gonna go and read it sometime in the near future

[01:00:57] But that book has got been referred to so many times And it's the foundation of this whole concept So I'm feel pretty confident in recommending that book as well And from the article, the techniques that she was using It was a really good book

[01:01:09] So those are two books that I would recommend But I hope I hope that this will help you to be able to live in freedom And to not let people, especially people that use your religious beliefs Your love of God, your love of Christ

[01:01:23] Or your good nature and your kindness Manipulate, you do not let people do that I'll say it again, do not let people do that And if you don't let people do that At first, you're gonna feel guilty But you are not doing anything wrong Keep that in mind

[01:01:38] There's a difference between never wanting to help somebody And letting people run all over you And manipulate you and use you That's wrong And you know it So don't let people do that to you And you can empower other people in the same way

[01:01:52] This movement that we're having in our culture About abuse and healing Some of it does go too far But at the same time It's good that we're learning to find truth And that we're bringing light to the darkness And that we're bringing clarity to what was confusing before

[01:02:11] And we're laying a foundation So that we can have a healthy faith And a healthy relationship And that's why I talk so much about meeting an integration Of our faith and of our mental health Because they're inseparable And a true faith that is true

[01:02:28] And that holds up can be scrutinised And it can be questioned some And it is healthy And it love, cast out fear If love casts out fear Cast out all the other things Regarding fear that it go with it too So manipulation fear obligation and guilt

[01:02:45] Are not what God want for us God wants us to be healthy God wants us to be happy Now we're not gonna be happy all the time We're gonna make sacrifices that don't feel good sometimes That's not what I'm saying This whole thing of setting boundaries

[01:02:58] Of standing up to somebody That's scary That does not feel good And we're not gonna feel happy when we do it But when you do it again And again, and again, and again You start to feel better And you start having more faith in yourself

[01:03:11] And you start to know you can do it And it snowballs And it builds neural connections in our brain And those neural connections like a rope Those different threads of the rope Start to weave together So that it gets thicker and thicker and thicker

[01:03:24] And our higher brain function gets stronger And our neural network gets stronger And we recondition ourselves to a completely different pattern And then over time You know, we need refreshers now And then we'll slack off Sometimes people will slip through I study all this stuff

[01:03:39] And sometimes I still get manipulated Sometimes people are slithy Sometimes we aren't aware of what's going on So don't beat on yourself If somebody does manage to get by with that But as soon as you're aware of it, stop it Don't do it

[01:03:53] And follow these strategies and they will help you Okay? But I hope this has been a blessing This has been This has been Christian emotional recovery This is season four episode seven And it's called coming out of the fog And I'm Rachel Liro

[01:04:07] Thank you so much for listening God bless you And have a great day Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode Of Christian emotional recovery Hosted by Rachel Liroi For links to this week's resources And to join the discussion Check out this episode of Show Notes

[01:04:26] At ChristianemotionalRecovery.com Where you can also find links to our YouTube channel And Facebook group Join our email list And get other episodes and resources If you enjoyed the podcast Please rate and review the podcast And tell a friend who may benefit from this message

[01:04:45] See you next time And remember Beloved's God loves you And you are fearfully and wonderfully made