Episode 5 Season 4: Subtle Types and Forms of Abuse and What to Do About Them

[00:00:00] Hello, Beloveds, and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors

[00:00:11] of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse.

[00:00:17] This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor.

[00:00:24] Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere.

[00:00:29] We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us stuck.

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[00:01:17] Hello everyone, and welcome to Season 4, Episode 5 of Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:01:24] I'm your host, Rachel Leroy, and I want to thank you for tuning in and listening

[00:01:28] today.

[00:01:29] Today's episode is going to be subtle types and forms of abuse and what to do about

[00:01:34] them.

[00:01:35] Season 4, Episode 5, subtle types and forms of abuse and what to do about them.

[00:01:41] I think this is an important topic to talk about because there's a lot of people that

[00:01:46] don't even know if they were abused and they question themselves.

[00:01:50] And a lot of times abusers either by design or unintentionally, unconsciously I should

[00:01:57] say, will actually try to convince the person that how they're being treated is normal.

[00:02:03] If they've been immersed in that their whole life, they won't know any different.

[00:02:07] For example, if you have a family system and that is the norm, then you will not question

[00:02:12] that even if you're around other people because it's so ingrained into your mind

[00:02:17] that you don't have a reason to question it.

[00:02:20] And I'm going to share my experience with this a little bit too.

[00:02:22] I've shared a little bit in the past.

[00:02:24] I don't get explicit about it, but I will share some of my experience as well

[00:02:28] to explain how that works.

[00:02:30] There's also some examples in the resources that give people's experiences that will clarify.

[00:02:34] So you can see if you're in this situation and what you can do about it and how you

[00:02:39] can heal.

[00:02:40] But first let's talk about the platform.

[00:02:43] If you have not, you're more than welcome to join the Facebook group.

[00:02:47] The Facebook group is Trauma Survivors Unite Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:02:52] People post encouragement there.

[00:02:54] They ask questions.

[00:02:55] They get support.

[00:02:56] While we can't be a crisis intervention, we can help you by talking you through certain

[00:03:03] situations you may be in where you're confused or you just need moral support or validation.

[00:03:08] We don't encourage people to just go in circles.

[00:03:12] This is a healing group.

[00:03:14] So you are free to share your pain with us.

[00:03:17] Your pain will be validated but for the purpose of healing, for the purpose of

[00:03:22] moving forward.

[00:03:23] And sometimes that might mean you need to sit in that pain.

[00:03:26] And that's normal too and that's okay.

[00:03:28] But I just wanted to give some clarifications of the boundaries of the group as well.

[00:03:34] Self promotion is not allowed and spam posting is also not allowed.

[00:03:39] So spam posting can be if somebody wants to post three times a day, for example.

[00:03:43] You are more than welcome to post but don't post, just keep the post reasonable.

[00:03:48] I have had to reject posts when people just kept posting and posting and posting or

[00:03:51] maybe they were posting something about their podcast that's similar to mine which

[00:03:55] I love to support similar and other creators.

[00:04:00] And I'm all for that.

[00:04:02] And I welcome it in my group to a point but the group there is more to support

[00:04:08] people that are already in this group as well.

[00:04:11] So some cross, you know, promotion is fine but let's just keep it reasonable, okay?

[00:04:19] So I don't want to get bogged down in that.

[00:04:21] Also check out the group, like I said, the YouTube channel which has material that

[00:04:26] you cannot find on the podcast.

[00:04:29] It's exclusive to the YouTube channel.

[00:04:30] It's also called Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:04:33] All the links to this are in the show notes and also check out if you'd like

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[00:04:44] Your support is greatly appreciated or you can do a one time donation at

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[00:05:04] Every little bit helps because it does take time and it does take resources as

[00:05:08] I say every week.

[00:05:09] And I just say that to encourage people to support if you can't.

[00:05:15] Then I'm here for you and the whole point of this podcast is to have a free

[00:05:19] resource that can help people.

[00:05:20] But I do want to start building some paid subscriptions and paid resources in the

[00:05:25] near future as the podcast and the platform continue to grow.

[00:05:29] It's a slow growth so we're just going at the natural pace that God allows

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[00:05:35] Okay?

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[00:05:59] Okay so let's go ahead and jump right in.

[00:06:02] So today we're talking about subtle types and forms of abuse and what to do

[00:06:05] about them and this talk is one where you really need to dig in a little bit and

[00:06:12] I like using research so that it's based in reality and it's based in something

[00:06:18] grounded and something that is provable.

[00:06:21] And so because this is something where perception and reality can get tangled

[00:06:26] and I'm never going to gaslight anybody, I'm never going to say what happened to

[00:06:30] you did not happen or you're imagining it or you're exaggerating it but

[00:06:35] if we go too far the other way it is possible to start thinking every little

[00:06:39] shortcoming that somebody does in a relationship is abuse.

[00:06:43] It's not we're all human, we all make mistakes, we all need to show each other

[00:06:47] grace.

[00:06:48] We also need to have a growth mindset which means that we need to be looking

[00:06:52] towards ways to heal, towards ways to validate our pain and to

[00:06:57] realize that other people may be in a similar boat to us.

[00:07:00] So showing grace does not mean you're tolerating abuse but there is a line

[00:07:04] and there are boundaries that you need to set and finding that subtle gray area can

[00:07:10] be tricky and it might be a little different for everybody and yours might

[00:07:13] shift one way or the other as you evolve.

[00:07:16] So just keep that in mind but finding that balance where you're not thinking

[00:07:20] every little thing is abuse and also where you're not gaslighting yourself

[00:07:24] and denying something that is abuse those are the balances that we're trying

[00:07:29] to find here.

[00:07:30] So in this podcast we're going to talk about identifying subtle forms and types

[00:07:35] of abuse and what to do about them and then we're going to talk about

[00:07:43] what are subtle forms and signs of abuse and we'll go over some different

[00:07:49] types of subtle abuse like verbal abuse, behaviors that indicate abuse and

[00:07:53] more behaviors.

[00:07:54] Then we'll talk about what are subtle forms of abuse like why are they

[00:07:57] easy to miss that's the biggest one that's the most important one.

[00:08:01] So why are subtle forms of abuse easy to miss?

[00:08:04] Why do we question ourselves?

[00:08:05] Why do we doubt ourselves?

[00:08:06] Why do we not believe it happened?

[00:08:08] Why do we not believe it was as bad as we thought it was?

[00:08:11] Those are some things that we'll talk about as well then we'll talk about how

[00:08:14] misinformation in the church and in religious communities can often

[00:08:18] make this worse and keep people brainwashed and in abusive situations.

[00:08:22] Now I'm not trying to bash the church in general every church is different.

[00:08:26] There's the greater church which is the body of Christ which might include

[00:08:30] Methodists and unaffiliated people, non-denominational people, Catholics,

[00:08:36] Baptists, Pentecostals.

[00:08:38] You get the idea of Lutherans, Episcopalians but what I'm talking about

[00:08:44] is specific churches here okay so I'm not attacking the whole body of

[00:08:48] Christ but there is a mentality especially one that's growing in American

[00:08:54] culture where people are trying to pull things back and it creates a

[00:09:01] fertile, it creates a fertile environment for abuse if that makes sense.

[00:09:06] We'll talk about that if you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about.

[00:09:10] We'll talk about that in a little bit if you're wondering what the heck I'm

[00:09:13] talking about.

[00:09:15] You might hear my cat in the background she meows when she plays it's hilarious.

[00:09:20] And then we'll talk about how can we detect subtle forms of emotional

[00:09:23] abuse, how do we detect them and how we avoid getting out of balance the other

[00:09:29] way. And then lastly we'll talk about what are

[00:09:31] ways we can heal these unique types and manifestations of abuse.

[00:09:35] How can we heal those? How do we move forward? How do we deal with those so

[00:09:39] that we don't gaslight ourselves so to speak?

[00:09:42] Okay so as always I used a lot of research

[00:09:46] not all as always but in this one I did use a lot of research

[00:09:50] so as always the resources and the notes that I refer to

[00:09:54] the sources I've referred to are in the show notes. I'm an academic I always cite

[00:09:58] my sources and I believe everybody should. I teach

[00:10:01] my students academic honesty and I don't tolerate not giving

[00:10:05] credit to the original source so those are in there and also they are

[00:10:09] there for you if you need to if you'd like to learn more about the topic

[00:10:13] and read those articles okay. So I also included a couple of books

[00:10:18] that might be helpful for this topic recommended books. This is by no

[00:10:22] means a comprehensive list okay. So what are some of the subtle signs

[00:10:27] of abuse? What are subtle signs of abuse? Well there are different types

[00:10:32] of subtle abuse and some of those are verbal abuse

[00:10:36] and ones that are more behaviors in the relationship

[00:10:40] and then there are different types of behaviors in a relationship that can be

[00:10:43] considered subtle abuse. So these lists are pretty

[00:10:47] comprehensive but they're not by any means the only ways that somebody may

[00:10:51] create an environment where subtle abuse is going on. So I'm going to explain the

[00:10:56] nature of it also so you can understand how this works not just

[00:11:00] what types they are but how they work and how that makes your

[00:11:04] mind start to question is this really happening?

[00:11:07] Am I over exaggerating? Am I overthinking this? Is this

[00:11:11] genuine or am I imagining it? So let's look at some of the types

[00:11:15] of verbal abuse. Let's look at some of the subtle types

[00:11:18] of verbal abuse. Now there's an article here this is from an

[00:11:26] article called Black, B-L-A-C, Black Detroit, Black Life, Arts and Culture

[00:11:34] and in this article it says what is verbal abuse

[00:11:37] and it says verbal abuse is extremely critical threatening or insulting words

[00:11:41] delivered in oral or written form and intended to domain the little or

[00:11:45] frightened the recipient and that's from the American Psychological

[00:11:47] Association that they're quoting and then they go into a list they talk a

[00:11:52] little bit about verbal abuse and they go into a list and I'm going to share

[00:11:56] this list with you. Can signs of verbal abuse are withholding

[00:12:00] and that's when the abuser refuses to listen or speak withholding emotional

[00:12:04] connection. Countering the abuser may question

[00:12:07] your memory or deny any event took place making you feel

[00:12:10] you're crazy or confused that's also a form of gas lighting

[00:12:14] and discounting is another one that's number three when an abuser trivializes

[00:12:19] your feelings or opinions they discount or dismiss them as

[00:12:22] unimportant or silly. Gaslighting, gaslighting happens

[00:12:25] when the abuser manipulates you to doubt your sanity or memories they

[00:12:29] may tell you that the things that happen

[00:12:31] happen differently from what you remember so keeping a record

[00:12:36] is sounds a little overdone but if you can kind of

[00:12:40] make notes without obsessing I don't want this to become something where you go

[00:12:44] down a rabbit hole that's not healthy either but

[00:12:47] you know covering your butt we called it CYA at work and you know what that

[00:12:51] means. Covering your butt is helpful because

[00:12:55] then you can keep your mind clear about what's really going on. Number five

[00:13:00] blocking and diverting it's common for an abuser to change the conversation

[00:13:03] or question topics that make them uncomfortable so they change the subject

[00:13:07] accusing and blaming a verbal abuser might point out flaws in you or

[00:13:12] others and blame you for their problems judging and criticizing

[00:13:16] abusers may undermine your self-esteem by making negative comments

[00:13:21] about your personality or behavior name calling the abuser may

[00:13:25] frequently use derogatory names or legibles to define you such as

[00:13:29] insulting your intelligence character or appearance

[00:13:32] demeaning and patronizing an abuser may use demeaning or patronizing language to

[00:13:37] belittle or embarrass you and then 10 is threatening an abuser may make threats

[00:13:42] either direct or indirect by using coercive control or intimidation

[00:13:47] so those are some of the forms of verbal abuse

[00:13:52] I think some of those can also be more in the relationship but those are a

[00:13:55] good list for verbal abuse and he might hear my cat in the

[00:14:00] back girl she isn't moving around every episode I've been recording lately it's

[00:14:03] kind of funny but back to the topic I want to read a

[00:14:09] couple of lists because I want you to get a nice overview of the different types

[00:14:14] of behavioral and verbal abuse that can occur in a relationship

[00:14:18] there is a source called Hapiful Hapiful

[00:14:22] H-A-P-P-I-F-U-L Hapiful and it there's an article here called

[00:14:29] Seven Subtle Signs of an Abusive Relationship

[00:14:32] Seven Subtle Signs of an Abusive Relationship and it's by Sarah Young

[00:14:36] Sarah Young and then it includes a list as well

[00:14:39] of behavioral but some of these are the same

[00:14:43] behavioral subtle forms of abuse one is gas lighting we've heard this term

[00:14:48] before I've talked about it on other episodes I've even dedicated almost

[00:14:51] whole episodes to gas lighting so it's a term to describe when an

[00:14:55] abuser confuses their victim making out that they are overly sensitive or

[00:14:59] overreacting they might deny your version of events

[00:15:03] until you start to believe their narrative or claim an event never

[00:15:06] happened they may present insults as jokes and make you feel

[00:15:10] ridiculous for getting upset gas lighting can be subtle and not

[00:15:15] that noticeable at first but it steadily erodes the victim's

[00:15:18] self-esteem and leaves you emotionally reliant on the abusers

[00:15:24] and then humiliation humiliation abusers may humiliate

[00:15:27] undermine or embarrass their victim in public or in private

[00:15:31] they may call their partner names such as worthless fat stupid and disgusting

[00:15:36] and use the vulnerabilities of their victims against them this could be

[00:15:39] anything that the victim feels shame or guilt over from secrets or private

[00:15:45] information the victim is shared to even mental illness they may have

[00:15:48] and are used to degrade the victim jealousy and isolation

[00:15:53] as the relationship progresses the abuser may become more jealous and

[00:15:57] possessive voicing disapproval over who the victim talks to or

[00:16:01] spends time with discouraging them from seeing friends and family

[00:16:05] and accusing the victim of cheating they will often often focus the

[00:16:08] jealousy on certain people and may fly into a fit of rage or

[00:16:12] frequently accuse the partner of cheating until the victim believes

[00:16:16] sustaining their relationships or interacting with this particular

[00:16:19] person is more trouble than it's worth

[00:16:21] now keep in mind that there's balance here if somebody is

[00:16:25] hanging out with in an intimate way a person of the opposite sex and they're

[00:16:30] married or they're in an intimate relationship with somebody else that is

[00:16:33] mutually exclusive then maybe somebody has a right to be

[00:16:38] a little jealous it also depends on how they handle it

[00:16:41] and so look at all of these in context

[00:16:44] and everybody has mind blocks where they forget that they said something

[00:16:49] so it's not just about one behavior but it's a pattern

[00:16:52] look for patterns of behavior and those are the things to look out for when it

[00:16:57] comes to emotional abuse one metaphor that i saw in a

[00:17:00] couple of articles actually it was funny because this metaphor was used

[00:17:03] twice at least in the five or six or seven articles that i read

[00:17:07] was when you if you put now this is kind of if you like animals a little

[00:17:12] graphic but if you put a frog in boiling water

[00:17:17] the frog is going to jump out immediately right but if you put the frog in a

[00:17:21] nice cool pan of water and you heat it up really really slowly

[00:17:25] the frog's not going to notice so that's kind of how

[00:17:29] how this works with subtle abuse and with covert abuse covert means hidden

[00:17:35] um covert narcissists are especially good at this but a lot of different types

[00:17:39] of people do this we've all been guilty of these strategies by the way

[00:17:43] it's how much do we do them how much are we doing this

[00:17:47] another one is control this is still in the happy full article

[00:17:51] beyond your other relationships and interactions

[00:17:54] an abusive partner may try to control what you wear eat and any other aspect

[00:17:58] of your life checking your phone and social media

[00:18:01] and maybe even go as so far to demand your passwords

[00:18:04] so those things may be used against you things that are vulnerable like

[00:18:08] private information sexuality precarious immigration status

[00:18:13] mental illness and children things that people find

[00:18:17] personal private vulnerable sometimes they can be used to control the victim

[00:18:22] by using threats of revealing their private information

[00:18:25] outing a victim reporting them to authorities getting them sectioned or

[00:18:29] taking the children away from them those are sick

[00:18:32] but there are people that use those to um control other people

[00:18:37] sexual abuse so disclaimer this is about sexual abuse just to let you

[00:18:41] know sexual abuse can include lots of things such as insisting you act out

[00:18:45] fantasies or engage in sexual acts that you have not given explicit or

[00:18:49] enthusiastic consent to denial of your sexuality

[00:18:53] not allowing you to use contraceptives controlling

[00:18:56] when you get pregnant or deliberately infecting you with an std

[00:19:00] e those are bad but you get the idea i won't go into detail about those

[00:19:04] they speak for themselves and then of course there are less

[00:19:07] recognized forms of physical abuse such as denying a person

[00:19:11] the right to leave the house sleep eat drink or wash

[00:19:15] and those do happen it's sad but sometimes those do happen in relationships

[00:19:19] as well so not all physical abuse is hitting and

[00:19:23] kicking and punching and sexual abuse some of it is actually

[00:19:29] some of these more subtle forms that can be

[00:19:33] harder to pick up on from the outside okay so one last article on different

[00:19:38] behaviors that can show forms of subtle abuse or that can be

[00:19:42] subtle abuse there's an article in a website called toxic ties toxic

[00:19:48] ties and this is a comprehensive article that really covers a lot of these very

[00:19:52] well i'm not going to go over this in detail i'm just

[00:19:55] going to list them just so you can get like i said a wide range of

[00:19:58] different types of behaviors that can be subtle abuse so i won't go over

[00:20:02] any details of these but i'll just include the list

[00:20:05] this article toxic ties is called can you recognize these 15 subtle signs of

[00:20:11] emotional abuse and i'm not sure if there's a an

[00:20:15] author here but like i said this is a long

[00:20:19] article so this is a nice comprehensive one if you want to go into detail and

[00:20:22] learn more about more of these i don't see an

[00:20:27] author here so toxic ties is the website though

[00:20:30] and the different types of subtle emotional abuse are being dismissive

[00:20:35] being dismissive when your partner isn't listening or validating to your

[00:20:38] thoughts and feelings insulting nicknames like excuse some of this

[00:20:43] language fatty slut idiot stinky muffin top douchebag lazy

[00:20:48] susan and so on you get the idea some of them are

[00:20:52] worse spying and monitoring so demanding to know where you are at

[00:20:57] all times that's not the same thing as if your partner or your spouse is

[00:21:01] two hours late and they haven't texted you and you're like hey where are you

[00:21:04] at so as always there's balance here right did you ever catch them spying on you

[00:21:09] via social media or digital devices number four patronizing being treated in a

[00:21:13] patronizing way is when your partner talks down to you

[00:21:16] a subtle form of emotional abuse he is she is not calling you stupid not

[00:21:20] directly but they're acting in a way that makes you feel inferior or less

[00:21:23] intelligent pushing your buttons provoking you an

[00:21:27] emotional reaction from you when they know something

[00:21:31] does that joking or sarcasm now not all joking or sarcasm is abuse

[00:21:37] not all teasing is abuse i know that some people even have affectionate name

[00:21:41] calling and i have friends we'll talk smack to each

[00:21:45] other but we know each other we trust each other we know that it's not abuse

[00:21:48] like i've got a friend where i will say your face is ugly

[00:21:51] well your face is uglier and it's funny you know because we know it's not

[00:21:55] abuse but when it's genuine or when it's subtle and you can't tell there's

[00:21:59] a boundary that starts to get blurred that's when it's more abusive

[00:22:04] insulting and calling it something a joke is one of the most recognizable forms

[00:22:09] of emotional abuse known as gaslighting so just look at the context of the

[00:22:13] situation jealousy as always a little jealousy is okay

[00:22:17] it's even healthy it helps keep a marriage strong if it's

[00:22:21] a little bit not too much right but when your partner acts like he or she

[00:22:25] owns you or always assumes the worst of you it's emotional abuse

[00:22:30] tuning out tuning out sabotage sabotage is the very foundation of a healthy

[00:22:35] relationship in communication it's when you're talking to your partner but

[00:22:38] you feel like you're talking to a brick wall

[00:22:41] so it can also be stonewall and keep in mind here we all space out when

[00:22:46] somebody's talking sometimes we're human give people grace on that but if

[00:22:51] they do it all the time or if it's something that's really important to

[00:22:53] you and they're tuning you out you need to call them on it kindly

[00:22:57] in the cases where it's safe to do that of course interrupting

[00:23:00] interrupting is a terrible habit and this person says my personal pet peeve

[00:23:05] if you want to communicate that you don't care about your partner

[00:23:09] or what they have to say and this isn't just partners it's anybody in any

[00:23:13] relationship go with interrupting the message couldn't be

[00:23:16] any clearer again when we get in a heated discussion or even just

[00:23:20] something we're really passionate about it's possible we'll interrupt each

[00:23:23] other a little bit and that's something where overlooking it to a

[00:23:26] point is good but when it happens chronically and when it

[00:23:29] happens disrespectfully and when somebody's constantly talking over you

[00:23:33] that's not okay being quote forgetful again

[00:23:37] it happens but how much does it happen and in what context

[00:23:41] forgetfulness isn't necessarily abuse some people have a bad memory

[00:23:45] pointing to myself i can't even remember names and i feel so bad because i

[00:23:49] feel like somebody may think that i don't care about them as a person

[00:23:54] but i really have this gap in my mind where it i can't remember names even

[00:23:58] when i try so give people grace but it's also a

[00:24:02] context thing as well with our busy schedules we all have

[00:24:05] quote senior moments when we completely forget something we're supposed to do

[00:24:09] but when you're in a toxic relationship the other person's

[00:24:12] forgetfulness is both intentional and self-serving and it happens a lot

[00:24:15] i'll add number 11 telling you how you feel

[00:24:20] some people just love it says telling you how you feel and how you should feel

[00:24:25] if you don't think it's a big deal think again this is the same pattern of

[00:24:29] control evidence in all other signs of emotional abuse and it

[00:24:32] starts in childhood for example your parents constantly

[00:24:36] told you to shove your true feelings aside or stop crying or i'll give you

[00:24:40] something to cry about i'm sure a lot of us hurt that right

[00:24:43] so number 12 the cold shoulder the silent treatment is an obvious sign of

[00:24:48] emotional abuse but what if someone is giving you the cold

[00:24:51] shoulder what if your partner maintains contact but acts cold and distant

[00:24:55] whenever they're mad at you that's a more subtle passive aggressive way to

[00:24:58] punish you but it's still abuse especially if it happens a lot we all

[00:25:03] get ticked off sometimes and we may do that for a little while

[00:25:05] but if it goes on for a while or it's a chronic pattern again

[00:25:09] allow people to be human but look at the context of the situation

[00:25:13] keeping you in the dark if your partner doesn't share what's going on with them

[00:25:17] and makes decisions without you it's also emotional abuse for example if

[00:25:21] somebody makes large purchases without consulting you

[00:25:24] and you're in a marriage or a relationship where you're financially

[00:25:28] mutually dependent even if you're a stay-at-home mom or stay-at-home dad

[00:25:33] and your spouse is the one that makes the money

[00:25:36] they should be consulting you if they make any kind of large purchase

[00:25:39] more than a few hundred dollars unless you've already talked about it

[00:25:43] number 14 never apologizing one of the most ridiculous and harmful things you

[00:25:47] can do in a relationship is to assume the position i'm always

[00:25:51] right have some humility apologize even if you feel like somebody might be

[00:25:56] oversensitive just don't say i'm sorry you feel that way

[00:26:00] that's not an apology just say i'm sorry and tell them

[00:26:06] that you did not mean to make them feel that way you see how that's different

[00:26:10] even if you don't agree validating how they feel

[00:26:14] and then just saying i'm sorry that i made you feel that way versus i'm sorry

[00:26:18] you feel that way just a little subtle difference can make all the difference

[00:26:21] if it's in sincere apology playing with the victim

[00:26:25] playing the victim if your partner always makes excuses and acts in a way

[00:26:29] that invokes pity they're playing the victim

[00:26:32] and it's one of the clearest signs of emotional abuse

[00:26:36] they're usually the perpetrator but they're acting trying to flip it and make it

[00:26:39] sound like you are that's also called

[00:26:41] d'arvo deny i forgot the full acronym i actually did a full episode on that but

[00:26:48] it's d'arvo and it's basically where you deny

[00:26:50] and then you somehow make the victim the perpetrator

[00:26:54] um and so those are some of the signs of subtle emotional abuse in a

[00:27:00] relationship and subtle abuse in general in a relationship

[00:27:08] so let's talk about why are subtle forms of abuse

[00:27:11] easy to miss why are they easy to miss if they're so

[00:27:16] insidious why is it that we don't see them when they're happening to us when

[00:27:21] we're up close and personal so to speak so we're going to talk

[00:27:24] about that and again i'm going to read a little bit from some articles and

[00:27:27] add a little bit of my own ideas and some of my own experiences here

[00:27:31] because i want you to really be able to hone in on this and be able to see it

[00:27:35] okay so there's an article here from a an organization called

[00:27:42] btsadv and it's break the silence against domestic violence i think

[00:27:52] dot org and this article is called why is emotional

[00:27:57] abuse so difficult to recognize and i have two articles here with the

[00:28:00] same title so this is the one at btsadv and this is by jen

[00:28:05] rockerfeller and so i want to read a couple of paragraphs here in a section

[00:28:10] called it's all psychological it says this is the nature of why

[00:28:15] it remains hidden why we don't see it even when we're experiencing it

[00:28:20] it says and because emotional abuse is a covert game that abusers play

[00:28:25] all outsiders ever see is the abusers calm demeanor

[00:28:28] and our mask of norm normalcy outsiders never see what goes on behind closed doors

[00:28:35] our reactions in the way we become unglued only when the abuser carefully

[00:28:40] plans for our reactions to be seen do outsiders see us come unglued

[00:28:44] then the abuser will turn and say see what i have to deal with

[00:28:47] or they're crazy i'm worried about them so these are my ideas

[00:28:53] so there are people that i think do this unconsciously and then there i

[00:28:57] think are people that do this consciously and the people that do it

[00:29:00] consciously are a lot worse they're horrible human beings

[00:29:04] and only god can heal them unfortunately

[00:29:07] and so or fortunately i guess also but because

[00:29:11] it says emotional abuse is a covert game that abusers play

[00:29:15] so what they try to do is make themselves look good on the outside

[00:29:19] and they'll usually be charismatic and courteous and kind and everybody

[00:29:25] likes them and then in private they'll treat you like a complete piece of trash

[00:29:29] and then on top of that because other people see

[00:29:33] this positive behavior they can't possibly believe that you're

[00:29:37] make that this stuff is happening to you and they'll think you're making it up

[00:29:41] or they'll have trouble believing it and that just adds insult to injury

[00:29:44] and makes it a lot worse and makes you question if it's real

[00:29:48] because if literally everybody around you thinks that what's happening is not

[00:29:53] that big of a deal or that it's not happening or they question it or they

[00:29:57] think you're the one that's crazy you're going to think it too what are you

[00:30:00] going to do if there's nobody else that thinks this

[00:30:04] it's a lonely and scary place to be and i know

[00:30:07] because i've been there and then master manipulators there's a section there

[00:30:12] and there's a paragraph that says part of this mastery of manipulation

[00:30:16] is in the way the abusers portray themselves to the outside world

[00:30:20] they project themselves to be the perfect mate or friend or

[00:30:24] family member or whatever who is always kind loving caring and friendly

[00:30:28] that's the main reason why outsiders find it so difficult to recognize that

[00:30:32] someone is being emotionally abused because the abuser appears

[00:30:36] appears to be the most wonderful human being alive

[00:30:39] why at that point would an outsider believe you when you say you're

[00:30:43] being abused do you see why in the church

[00:30:46] that it's a perfect haven for narcissists especially communal

[00:30:52] narcissists which are people that try to use humanitarian

[00:30:56] and mission and human aid work and church work to make themselves look

[00:31:02] good and then on the inside and with other people

[00:31:05] that they don't see other people don't see they're being abusive and

[00:31:08] controlling they actually use that image to prop

[00:31:12] themselves up so that when somebody comes forward about the abuse

[00:31:15] people don't believe them that's why it's so important when somebody comes

[00:31:19] forward with abuse and they seem sincere we need to give them the benefit of the

[00:31:22] doubt and the problem that i've seen in the

[00:31:25] church i'll get passionate about this the problem i've seen in a lot of

[00:31:28] churches is that they defend the authoritarian person or

[00:31:33] they defend the institution and they invalidate the individual

[00:31:37] and that's not what christ taught christ taught us to love

[00:31:41] people not institutions i get that god wants us to be a body in christ

[00:31:47] but the people are what make up the church so we should not be defending

[00:31:52] buildings and institutions we should be defending people

[00:31:55] and their dignity and their agency and their autonomy and loving

[00:31:59] them that's why it can be such a big deal

[00:32:03] in the church and i'll come back to that in a little bit but you can see i'm

[00:32:06] very passionate about that topic because there's a lot of

[00:32:10] ways that religious communities can be a haven for

[00:32:15] narcissist and abusers especially subtle forms of abuse

[00:32:18] and unfortunately more times than not not always but more times than not

[00:32:23] they believe the perpetrator who's usually in a position of authority and

[00:32:26] power over the victim or the survivor

[00:32:29] unfortunately if you don't believe me check out mark driscoe if you follow

[00:32:34] her like mark driscoe i'm sorry he is a bad human being go watch

[00:32:38] the rise and fall of mars hill go listen to that podcast

[00:32:42] it is powerful and it'll show you a perfect example

[00:32:46] of how a narcissist uses their power in the church to gain power

[00:32:50] invalidates victims while treating them like trash and abusing them and then

[00:32:55] leaves a wake of destruction in their path

[00:32:58] and then when they're kicked out of the church or something's finally done

[00:33:01] they just planned another church and start over and do it again which is

[00:33:04] exactly what mark driscoe is doing and then there are people like

[00:33:08] the transformed wife who are

[00:33:12] distorting scripture to an extreme there's nothing wrong with a wife

[00:33:16] staying home and having children and being a mother and not having a career

[00:33:20] i have no problem with that but the way she preaches it she tells

[00:33:23] women they should not vote they should not go to college

[00:33:27] and that they should not have basically whatever their husband

[00:33:31] wants or expects of them no matter how bad it is they should put up with

[00:33:35] it and tolerate it that is not foster growth in the

[00:33:38] husband and it also does not foster agency and love towards the wife or the

[00:33:45] mother so that's something that one reason i

[00:33:51] believe that religious communities can be a haven that is right with abuse

[00:33:55] are all traditional churches full of abuse no of course not

[00:33:58] there's a lot of traditional churches that are loving and kind and they

[00:34:02] listen to their members but that's unfortunately not always the case

[00:34:06] that's not always the case cats still jumping around out there

[00:34:11] so the good therapy article is like i said that's a website i've used before it

[00:34:16] says why is emotional abuse so difficult to recognize

[00:34:20] so this is a different article than the other one

[00:34:23] but it's from a different source so this one is why is emotional abuse so

[00:34:28] difficult to recognize and this is by

[00:34:32] it just says a good therapy topic expert it doesn't include

[00:34:35] anything else about this author oh here here she is her name is betsy smith

[00:34:41] medlpcs so betsy smith wrote this article and i just wanted to read a couple of

[00:34:47] paragraphs from it one this is also about the

[00:34:52] nature of hidden abuse and why sometimes subtle abuse is hard

[00:34:56] to see even when you're experiencing it it says people who are emotionally abusive

[00:35:02] can be expert manipulators they may be very intentional about

[00:35:06] choosing behaviors that cannot be proven or that come close to crossing lines

[00:35:11] while retaining deniability they may manufacture or maintain a

[00:35:16] chaotic environment so that it is hard to pin down or describe

[00:35:20] exactly what is happening they may also lie about what has

[00:35:24] happened or rewrite history in order to avoid responsibility for their actions

[00:35:30] and then a couple of paragraphs down it says perhaps the most perplexing

[00:35:34] phenomenon of all is the ability of abusive individuals to be

[00:35:38] remarkably kind caring and generous at times few

[00:35:43] people would remain in relationships that always felt bad

[00:35:46] fewer would choose to begin relationships with people who treated them

[00:35:50] poorly all the time the confusing fact of the matter is individuals who are

[00:35:55] capable of cruelty are also capable of kindness

[00:35:59] they may be charming and generous at times these instances of kindness and

[00:36:03] generosity may be good but abuse is never okay

[00:36:07] it cannot be offset so i want to make a point here

[00:36:11] if you're with somebody who's overwhelmingly kind and generous and

[00:36:14] then they treat you like trash consistently a good bit of the time

[00:36:19] and it confuses the hell out of you that is an abusive relationship

[00:36:23] and they're reinforcing the positivity to keep you in the relationship

[00:36:26] and confuse you the bad the good does not cancel out the bad

[00:36:33] when it's to that degree i'll say it again the good

[00:36:36] does not cancel out the bad when it's to that degree again we're all flawed

[00:36:40] we have complex relationships i get that there's a gray area there and

[00:36:45] that that's complicated but when you are completely confused and you don't

[00:36:49] understand what's going on and you don't know if you're being abused and you

[00:36:53] are just up and down and up and down all the time

[00:36:56] you're being abused and the good does not outweigh

[00:36:59] the bad that does not excuse all the bad things they do or forgive it or

[00:37:05] just let that go i'm not saying don't forgive i'm saying

[00:37:09] that it doesn't cancel it out does that make sense it does not cancel it

[00:37:13] out so i know i'm reading from a lot of articles

[00:37:19] so bear with me thank you so much for listening because it

[00:37:22] these are putting in words what you need to know about this and this is so

[00:37:26] important to understand and that's why i'm going in so much depth here

[00:37:31] so bear with me but there's another article here in a

[00:37:35] website called confusion to clarity and it's a blog

[00:37:38] by a christian woman confusion to clarity

[00:37:45] and this article is really good it's pretty comprehensive why

[00:37:49] are you so confused by covert abuse the doubt field mind

[00:37:52] in dysregulated brain that's the type the article title

[00:37:57] and it's written by a woman named

[00:38:02] helena nullton helena nullton so in this article

[00:38:09] there's a list of statements and responses that she includes

[00:38:13] that could be considered subtle forms of abuse and then

[00:38:15] i'm going to read those so you can see concrete examples

[00:38:19] of the subtle forms of abuse that we've already identified so you can

[00:38:22] understand the nature of this a little bit better

[00:38:25] so some of those are you that you might question yourself and she's talking

[00:38:30] about this from the perspective of a man abusing a woman

[00:38:33] and yes women can abuse men just as much as men can abuse women

[00:38:38] women can abuse women and men can abuse men and so on

[00:38:41] anybody can be a victim or a perpetrator and keep in mind that people who are

[00:38:46] abusers can also be abused i do not condone that either

[00:38:50] but here's a list of how you or someone like you may question yourself if

[00:38:56] you're in a situation like this and you're so confused and you're like

[00:38:59] is this going on what is wrong with me and you're like is he really abusing

[00:39:03] me is it really that bad am i overreacting what if it's me

[00:39:09] what if i'm the toxic person should i leave what if i'm wrong does he know

[00:39:15] what he's doing what if he can't help it maybe he doesn't mean it

[00:39:19] he's being nice is it real this time and then she says in response yes he is

[00:39:25] really abusing you it is really that bad no you're not overreacting

[00:39:31] it's not you you're not the toxic person

[00:39:35] you aren't wrong yes he knows what he's doing

[00:39:39] he can help it yes he does mean it he's being nice just to love bomb you

[00:39:47] and so these are and so these questions are symptoms of being abused and every

[00:39:51] victim wonders the same thing so that is to validate your experience

[00:39:57] that you are not doubting it it is as bad as you think it is

[00:40:01] if it's affecting you then it's affecting you if you have major questions

[00:40:05] then trust and listen to those things it's painful when you start to realize

[00:40:10] that and it's empowering at the same time it's

[00:40:13] overwhelming in so many ways because when it comes to light

[00:40:18] and this is what happened to me i found a book called healing from hidden

[00:40:22] abuse and i had some extra audible credits or something

[00:40:24] and i was like you know what i'm just going to get this book why the heck

[00:40:27] not i started listening to it and alarm bells went off

[00:40:31] for some reason i had been working on myself and doing healing work for years

[00:40:35] but nothing ever made me realize i was abused i even questioned if i was

[00:40:40] and i was told no um you were born that way there's something wrong with you

[00:40:45] if you've got depression and anxiety yeah that's genetic

[00:40:48] and that's it it's not something that happened to you it's not your

[00:40:51] environment it's not how you were treated it's not that you're

[00:40:54] emotionally neglected or abused and this is not to blame anybody or to

[00:40:58] hate anybody or anything like that i'm not calling any names

[00:41:01] but that's what happened to me and when i realized what had happened to me

[00:41:04] alarm bells started going off and i would just sit there

[00:41:08] keep in mind you don't want to go down a rabbit hole but i would just sit there

[00:41:11] and say yes this really happened no you're not imagining it

[00:41:15] yes this is valid and real yes this did impact you as much as you think it

[00:41:19] did and i would say it over and over and over for a while

[00:41:22] i didn't keep doing it but to validate that that was happening

[00:41:26] to stop letting it continue to slip back into my unconscious mind and to

[00:41:30] doubt it i had to bring that stuff up to the surface

[00:41:33] and even the bible says the truth will come to the light

[00:41:37] and so i had to clear the air and that completely changed everything for me

[00:41:41] that's when i really started to heal was when i did not

[00:41:45] deny anymore what had happened to me and i did not deny it on purpose i didn't

[00:41:49] understand i had been brainwashed even if it wasn't intentional

[00:41:54] brainwashing i had been brainwashed my whole life to believe

[00:41:56] there's nothing wrong with what happened to you there's something wrong with

[00:42:01] you let me tell you this i say this all the time in the podcast

[00:42:05] you are fearfully and wonderfully made and god loves you

[00:42:10] there is nothing wrong with you you are not born defective

[00:42:13] there are people i understand that are on the spectrum

[00:42:16] that's not a defect that's just how they are there are people who have more

[00:42:21] of a propensity towards mental illness such as bipolar disorder

[00:42:25] eating disorders anxiety depression adhd and so on

[00:42:30] those do not mean that you are defective or you were born that way

[00:42:34] you may have a genetic predisposition to them that might have been

[00:42:37] aggravated by environmental factors that are not your fault

[00:42:42] and just because you have some of these doesn't mean this is happening to

[00:42:45] you but if this is happening to you there's a good

[00:42:47] chance that you have some of these you see what i'm saying

[00:42:50] so it's not your fault and i'm trying to bring

[00:42:53] what is in the darkness to the light and validate it

[00:42:57] so that you understand the nature of it and the insidious hidden nature of it

[00:43:01] and how that's why it stays hidden for so long i was almost 40 years old

[00:43:07] when i realized what had happened to me and i spent hours working on myself i

[00:43:11] prayed i meditated i read my bible i did self-help work i read books i took

[00:43:16] courses and i still didn't see it and one day god showed me

[00:43:21] well i guess when i was ready i don't know why it took so long

[00:43:24] but that book unlaunched that from me and allowed me to begin to release it and

[00:43:29] heal it and my whole life changed after that and i am so

[00:43:33] thankful to god for my smoking gun so to speak

[00:43:36] because believe me you have one too and it's there

[00:43:40] so believe it okay and so there's a lot of different articles here about

[00:43:47] the nature of brainwashing and like i said i don't mean this to

[00:43:53] sound like somebody is just hideously evil it's not that's not always the case

[00:43:58] but in some cases it is the case so continuing in this article i want to

[00:44:04] read the definition of brainwashing in confusion to clarity

[00:44:08] so let me read that to you to give you a little bit more

[00:44:12] context here so i'm going to start a little higher up it says covert abuse

[00:44:17] changes our perceptions so deeply that we can't clearly see what is going on

[00:44:21] and we are unable to live in truth we have literally been brainwashed by the

[00:44:26] abuser this is why i hear women say his therapist told me he knows

[00:44:30] exactly what he's doing but i just can't see it

[00:44:34] brainwashing is the activity of forcing somebody to accept your ideas

[00:44:38] or beliefs for example by repeating the same thing many times

[00:44:42] or by preventing the person from thinking clearly

[00:44:45] so it's not always somebody yelling and screaming at you no it's not how it

[00:44:49] happened but like when i questioned it and i was told that

[00:44:53] that is how that happened and maybe that person even believed it

[00:44:57] themself but that's not what actually happened

[00:45:00] and i think that's the reason why i'm so much more

[00:45:03] concerned about brainwashing than i think

[00:45:06] that's the reason why i'm so much more concerned about

[00:45:10] brainwashing than i think

[00:45:12] but that's not what actually happened and it says our reality has been changed to

[00:45:17] the reality the abuser creates this is why when we begin to see the abuse

[00:45:22] we switch back and forth between believing it

[00:45:25] and not believing it every covert abuse victim goes through this

[00:45:30] because of brainwashing so that my friend is a smoking gun

[00:45:37] and then there's a section here continuing in this article i love

[00:45:40] this blog here this is great but she talks about i used to live in agony

[00:45:46] and i want to show somebody's experience so you see how this works i share mine

[00:45:49] with you a little bit i want to read this one as well just

[00:45:53] real quickly thank you like i said i know this is a long one but

[00:45:56] this is one that we need to go in depth and we need to talk about it

[00:46:00] emotional neglect and covert abuse are not talked about

[00:46:04] enough gee i wonder why that's the whole point that you don't talk about

[00:46:08] they're covert right so she says i was living in an internal hell of confusion

[00:46:15] and self-doubt around and round i would go is it me is it him

[00:46:19] he says it's me and he's very convincing but why am i so afraid

[00:46:24] and if it's me what else can i do it's abuse it's not abuse

[00:46:28] he can't really mean to be doing this while going through this long painful

[00:46:32] process of recognizing that i was being covertly abused

[00:46:36] i'd write in my journal that it was true that i was being abused

[00:46:39] then i'd get confused start to doubt it and read what i had written and it

[00:46:44] sounded like nonsense to me i couldn't figure out if i had

[00:46:48] been deceived when i wrote it or i was deceived right

[00:46:52] then in not believing it and always in the back of my mind there was the

[00:46:57] terrifying fear that i was losing my mind because one way or the other i

[00:47:00] wasn't seeing the world the way it was

[00:47:04] and this happening long after i was no longer with him

[00:47:08] so it continued it took some time she says she says even my counselor who

[00:47:13] specializes in trauma and abuse has since told me

[00:47:16] she was amazed at how even after the divorce i would come into a session all

[00:47:21] confused about whether he really was a covert abuser

[00:47:24] sort it through with her mind and get to the truth

[00:47:27] walk out feeling strong and repeat the same process over and over week after

[00:47:31] week month after month i had no me no core no center

[00:47:36] she said this is the depth of what abuser still from us our very own reality

[00:47:40] our ability to trust and maintain our perceptions and to think

[00:47:44] clearly and that is why i do not condone

[00:47:47] scriptural interpretations that take agency away from anybody including

[00:47:51] women because people have a core identity for a reason

[00:47:56] and if it gets to the point where you're just completely revolved around

[00:47:59] somebody else and you're not an individual yourself

[00:48:02] that is abuse period so every woman she says who has been in a long-term abusive

[00:48:08] relationship has lost the ability to think for herself

[00:48:12] she has lost contact with the voice of her own instincts

[00:48:15] with her own inner world and can no longer give it a voice

[00:48:19] and that's by don hennessy and this lady that wrote this article she

[00:48:27] uses his resource a lot he's got a book about this and i'll put it in the show

[00:48:31] notes that it's basically about covert abuse of men towards

[00:48:35] women so it is very specific and like i said i know

[00:48:39] women can do this to me in just as much so please don't think that i'm saying

[00:48:42] it only happens one way it doesn't i know it can happen in any

[00:48:46] dynamic and that is true so if you're a man and you've been abused by a

[00:48:51] woman in this way your experiences are just as valid

[00:48:53] and you have just as much right to be validated and to express how you feel

[00:48:58] and to get to the bottom of it and find healing and we need

[00:49:01] more men to come forward and to help do things like i'm doing

[00:49:05] there's not a lot of survivor men that come forward and do this work to

[00:49:10] help other men and other people in general and that's why

[00:49:14] while there are platforms that are exclusively for women and i believe

[00:49:18] in those and i think there should be a safe space that is only for women

[00:49:22] i also welcome men into my group because there's not enough havens for men and i

[00:49:27] think everybody deserves healing regardless of who you are

[00:49:31] so if you're a man and you've been told to suck it up and stop complaining and

[00:49:34] don't be weak and all that that is a load of crap

[00:49:38] and you deserve to find healing and you need to express those feelings and

[00:49:41] you need to let that stuff out in a healthy

[00:49:45] and safe environment and it is okay to be human

[00:49:48] it's okay to have feelings and it's okay to seek the healing that you deserve

[00:49:53] even if you're a man and especially if you're a man

[00:49:56] you deserve healing regardless of who you are

[00:50:00] period so that is why our subtle forms of

[00:50:05] abuse easy to miss so very briefly we've already talked

[00:50:09] about this some but how misinformation in the church

[00:50:12] and in religious communities can often make this worse and keep people

[00:50:16] brainwashed and in abusive situations and i'll just read one passage and then move

[00:50:20] on to some of the last sections of the podcast

[00:50:23] so this is also in the same article and it's a section called the woman of

[00:50:29] fates battle okay the woman of fates battle so

[00:50:33] why are christian women especially vulnerable to this

[00:50:37] you see how men and women can be vulnerable in different ways

[00:50:40] men are taught not to have feelings they're taught to be strong

[00:50:44] they're taught that they're not they can't be abused a woman can abuse a man

[00:50:48] bullhockey yeah they can okay so and if you're a woman and you're

[00:50:53] taught to submit to your husband to the degree that you're not allowed to have

[00:50:58] your own life and your own choices and autonomy and agency and

[00:51:02] dignity and get an education and have choices then that

[00:51:07] is a problem and that state takes you straight into a

[00:51:10] potential abuse pattern so this says the woman of fates battle and it says for

[00:51:16] women of faith the brainwashing is all around us

[00:51:19] the church is also teaching us to believe the lies

[00:51:22] and it says that a wife that has a wife it's your job to support

[00:51:26] and not contradict his views that he is the head of the household

[00:51:30] that you should trust him implicitly that you need to submit to his ways

[00:51:34] and beliefs that you need to let him lead

[00:51:37] that you need to try harder that quote it takes two

[00:51:41] that it's his place to give you feedback about your sin because iron

[00:51:45] sharpens iron not one of these statements comes from an understanding of

[00:51:49] abuse and they are all dangerous to the mind of a woman who's being abused

[00:51:54] so i'm not necessarily saying that you shouldn't listen to your husband

[00:51:59] you should if he is not abusing you that's different

[00:52:04] i'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to him if he's trying to

[00:52:08] show you something that you might need to work on

[00:52:11] if he's a good man you should listen if he's a good man if he's an abuser

[00:52:15] he's not doing it because he loves you he's gonna say that but he's doing it

[00:52:19] because he's an abuser and that's how he is he wants to mess with you and he

[00:52:23] wants to control you so i'm not making an overall

[00:52:27] statement about all of these things here but what i am saying is that these

[00:52:31] can be a situation that can be fertile soil for abuse so just be

[00:52:36] careful that's i'll leave it with that okay and this is coming from like i said

[00:52:41] this is a christian based confusion to clarity is the podcast not the

[00:52:45] podcast the um the website and the blog

[00:52:49] okay so that's a little bit about why you're so confused about

[00:52:54] this kind of abuse and what happens how do you detect

[00:52:58] subtle forms and types of emotional abuse so how can we detect those

[00:53:02] without lapsing into forgetfulness of these types of abuse

[00:53:05] you have a lot of i have a lot of insight to share from my own experiences

[00:53:09] and i've already shared that a little bit so i won't go into that again

[00:53:14] but there are a lot of ways that you can

[00:53:18] detect these forms of abuse and so i'm kind of combining what are ways we

[00:53:25] can heal from these unique types and manifestations of abuse

[00:53:28] with how can we detect them because i think those go hand in hand

[00:53:31] there's a health line article called emotionally abusive relationships can

[00:53:37] be hard to recognize here's why this is a really good article that talks about

[00:53:41] this and it does talk about unearthing it

[00:53:44] and seeing it for what it is and this article is by Simone Marie

[00:53:51] and it's called emotionally abusive relationships can be hard to

[00:53:54] recognize here's why and it's in health line

[00:53:58] there's a section so called so what should you do

[00:54:01] so what should you do so once you realize this is happening and you

[00:54:04] identify it and you realize the extent of it

[00:54:08] what do you do about it that's a very good question i've talked about that

[00:54:13] a little bit let me read this section here because it gives a really good

[00:54:16] overview of what you should do so what should you do if you're

[00:54:20] thinking you're being emotionally abused first remember that you didn't do

[00:54:24] anything wrong let me say that again you did not do

[00:54:27] anything to deserve this it's not your fault that someone is mistreating you

[00:54:31] it's never your fault nobody deserves to be insulted

[00:54:35] berated shamed or abused next it says it's okay if you aren't ready to

[00:54:41] leave immediately but ask yourself why you aren't so in terms of leaving a

[00:54:47] marriage if it's that bad yes you should leave

[00:54:50] i'm not going to tell you whether you should or not if it's kind of a gray

[00:54:53] area but if it's that bad you see what i'm saying

[00:54:58] it says sometimes the idea of leaving is overwhelming that it prevents victims

[00:55:03] of emotional abuse from actually reaching out for help

[00:55:07] know that no one is going to make you do something you don't want to do

[00:55:10] it's ultimately your choice if you're not ready to leave explore that says

[00:55:14] crawford what is keeping you there are you their resources that you can help

[00:55:19] or replace the part of the relationship you think or feel you

[00:55:22] cannot live without it can also be helpful to sit down and make a

[00:55:25] list of pros and cons about staying in the relationship

[00:55:28] most of the times the cons have more weights as ceiling

[00:55:32] if that's the case it's good indication you might want to end the

[00:55:34] relationship for your mental health seeing it all written out can help

[00:55:38] that sink in and then there's other it continues therapy

[00:55:41] could help you prepare to leave so if it's a

[00:55:45] really bad relationship you should end it whether that's going no contact

[00:55:50] whether that's leaving whether that's cutting off the person

[00:55:54] or whatever the case may be but therapy is the next step

[00:55:58] and then it talks about reaching out for support and then treatment after you

[00:56:02] leave the relationship so it says being able to sit with

[00:56:05] process and understand your thoughts feelings and behaviors as a healing

[00:56:09] experience says crawford this is a quote

[00:56:12] that the author is using Simone Scully the writer

[00:56:16] therapy helps with perspective and uncovering things

[00:56:20] we do not know or choose to avoid about ourselves

[00:56:23] there are also coaches like Blake who are trauma informed they too can help you

[00:56:27] grieve past traumas and leave to self forgive so that is some

[00:56:32] things you can do if you're in this situation

[00:56:36] so the toxic ties article come we're getting close to the end here thank

[00:56:40] you for um going with me on this journey

[00:56:46] so the toxic ties article also talks about this

[00:56:50] and it talks about what should you do once you know this is going on

[00:56:54] what do you do about it and so here it says if you're seeing signs of subtle

[00:56:58] emotional abuse in a relationship it's time to reevaluate and redefine your

[00:57:03] boundaries and priorities relationships are usually complicated and all of us

[00:57:07] from time to time exhibit unhealthy behaviors

[00:57:10] an honest and vulnerable conversation should be enough to address the issue

[00:57:13] and move forward as a stronger and happier couple or a stronger and happier

[00:57:17] friendship or family if it's somebody you feel like you can

[00:57:20] reason with but if it's not don't that can be difficult to decipher but if you

[00:57:26] don't think you can reason with them then don't but if it's somebody that

[00:57:30] maybe they've gotten off track they're going through something

[00:57:33] it might be good to try to have a conversation about it

[00:57:37] and then it says but if your partner or whoever regularly does most of the

[00:57:41] items on the list one conversation probably won't change anything

[00:57:45] that's harsh but it's true let me say it again

[00:57:48] if they regularly do most of the items on these lists

[00:57:52] one conversation is probably not going to change anything

[00:57:55] or they'll change for a little while and then go back to the behavior

[00:57:59] and that's even worse they're comfortable with their role as the

[00:58:02] controller behind the scenes so consider what you're getting out of the

[00:58:05] relationship and what you're putting in think about what this does to you

[00:58:09] what is the cost of staying in this relationship and keep in mind that

[00:58:13] talking or arguing with an emotionally abusive person will not solve the problem

[00:58:17] because they're convinced they're always right

[00:58:20] it's hard to spot um it's a hard spot to be in because you may love

[00:58:25] them deeply and still hope that they can change here's the truth

[00:58:28] you can love a person and still let them go

[00:58:31] i'll say it again you can love somebody and still let them go how many

[00:58:34] of us have had to love people from afar because of this it's sad it

[00:58:38] breaks our heart but that's what happens sometimes if it's

[00:58:41] irretrievable if they're that toxic if they're that abusive

[00:58:44] and then it says they can love you and still treat you poorly

[00:58:47] i don't know about that i don't know if i agree that that's love but it says it's

[00:58:50] up to you to decide how you deserve to be treated and how much

[00:58:53] you're willing to excuse in the name of love

[00:58:56] so if it's that bad do not put up with that crap

[00:58:59] do not put up with it okay set hard boundaries at the very least

[00:59:05] and you may have to end the relationship and like i said if it's a gray area

[00:59:08] try to have a conversation with somebody if you think you can reason with them

[00:59:11] but only if you feel safe doing so and go in with the expectation that it may

[00:59:16] or may not go how you want and if it doesn't

[00:59:19] you have to accept that that sucks but you have to accept that

[00:59:26] and then the need to be believed is also important

[00:59:31] because validation is the key here to everything

[00:59:34] validation i'll say it again validation is the key to everything in the btsadv

[00:59:42] that's a lot of letters article breaking the silence against domestic violence

[00:59:48] it says emotional abuse leaves no visible scars

[00:59:51] so when we say we are being abused it's hard to prove that's why it's so vital

[00:59:56] for outsiders to believe us so to the loved ones of victims and

[01:00:00] survivors please believe your loved one when they say they are being abused and

[01:00:05] i'll say it especially if they don't seem to be one that

[01:00:08] is prone to making stuff up but please believe them

[01:00:11] and being believed goes a long way towards a survivor finding their voice

[01:00:15] again that is absolutely vital is validation to self-validation

[01:00:21] validation from a therapist or a coach a licensed professional

[01:00:26] validation from safe others that you can talk to about this that won't go

[01:00:30] right out to the other person and so forth and so on

[01:00:34] so that is absolutely imperative and then to close all of this off ways we can

[01:00:40] heal in the confusion to clarity article which i think is

[01:00:44] probably the best one here on this it talks about there is hope

[01:00:51] here are some things you can do concrete actions you can take

[01:00:54] to work on healing this the first step to healing is to continually

[01:00:57] expose yourself to the truth that you are being covertly abused

[01:01:01] that's why i would say this is happening this is real

[01:01:04] i'm not imagining this and i would say over and over and over like i said it's

[01:01:07] not to create a feedback loop and go down a rabbit hole and

[01:01:10] obsess it's to validate that this happened and that

[01:01:14] this was real and then to learn the tactics

[01:01:17] and to understand why you experience such confusion and self-doubt that's why

[01:01:21] i'm doing this podcast it says so for some women

[01:01:25] or people i would say this is enough over time to counter the confusion

[01:01:29] but many of the techniques to calm down PTSD symptoms will also regulate the

[01:01:34] brain with repeated use over time and some women find the need

[01:01:39] to be guided with help to overcome the brainwashing and brain dysregulation

[01:01:44] by working with a counselor or coach who specializes in trauma

[01:01:49] and covert abuse so i've actually thought about becoming a licensed

[01:01:54] coach i just sometimes i don't have the resources for the time

[01:01:59] or the support right now but i i feel like that's something i want to do

[01:02:03] i don't have a lot of emotional energy to work with people but i would love to do

[01:02:07] it a few hours a week thank you so much for listening to this

[01:02:10] um i know that it was long and i know i sound like a frog right now and i

[01:02:14] apologize but so we covered a lot so we covered

[01:02:19] a lot in this podcast we identified subtle forms and

[01:02:22] types of abuse what are some of the subtle signs of

[01:02:25] abuse why are subtle forms of abuse easy to miss

[01:02:30] how is mince information in the church and religious communities how can that be

[01:02:34] make things worse in some cases how can we detect subtle forms and types of

[01:02:39] emotional abuse and what are ways we can heal these unique

[01:02:42] types of abuse so i hope this has been helpful remember you are fearfully

[01:02:46] and wonderfully made and god loves you and don't let anybody take that

[01:02:49] away from you and if they are take it back

[01:02:52] okay take it back so if god called us to love all eight billion other people

[01:02:58] in the world or whatever it is then eight billion people are called to love you

[01:03:02] that means something an agency and autonomy are not things that god ever

[01:03:07] intended for people to lose or to be taken away from them under any

[01:03:10] circumstances so you need to get out of a

[01:03:14] situation if it's that bad and if it's a gray area you need to pray

[01:03:17] about it you need to do the healing work you need to

[01:03:20] if it's logical talk to the person you need to get help

[01:03:25] and in most cases i think you need to talk to a therapist or a counselor or a

[01:03:28] licensed professional because they can help you untangle this mess and look at

[01:03:32] it objectively so thank you so much for listening check out the podcast

[01:03:36] check out the youtube channel patreon and co-fire where you can support me

[01:03:41] and you can also go to the facebook group and the other

[01:03:46] websites thank you so much have a great day god bless you

[01:03:49] and remember beloveds god loves you and you are fearfully and wonderfully made

[01:03:56] thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of christian emotional

[01:04:00] recovery hosted by rachel laroy for links to this

[01:04:04] week's resources and to join the discussion check out this

[01:04:08] episodes show notes at christianemotionalrecovery.com

[01:04:12] where you can also find links to our youtube channel and facebook

[01:04:16] group join our email list and get other episodes and resources

[01:04:21] if you enjoyed the podcast please rate and review the podcast

[01:04:25] and tell a friend who may benefit from this message

[01:04:28] see you next time and remember beloveds god loves you

[01:04:32] and you are fearfully and wonderfully made