Episode 3 Season 4: The Power of Shame and What to Do About It

[00:00:00] Hello, Beloveds and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are

[00:00:10] survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse.

[00:00:17] This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor.

[00:00:24] Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere.

[00:00:29] We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us stuck.

[00:00:35] This podcast is where faith meets science.

[00:00:38] Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities

[00:00:45] that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked.

[00:00:49] She'll show you how to do the same.

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[00:01:17] Hello everyone and welcome to season 4 episode 3 in Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:01:23] I'm your host Rachel Leroy and I am so glad you're here.

[00:01:29] I'm thankful that you're listening to the podcast, and I hope that you're getting

[00:01:32] so much out of the podcast and that it's helping you and empowering you and educating

[00:01:36] you on your healing journey because that's why this podcast is here.

[00:01:41] In this episode we will be talking about shame.

[00:01:45] We'll be talking about shame.

[00:01:47] And this episode's title is The Power of Shame and What to Do About It.

[00:01:51] Shame is a powerful emotion, but it is not something that has to defeat us in life.

[00:02:00] And if you experience trauma, abuse or other difficult emotions on a regular basis like

[00:02:05] mental health conditions, you probably experience a lot of shame.

[00:02:09] So we're going to talk about shame today and get to the bottom of what causes shame, where

[00:02:14] it comes from, the power of shame, how we can heal our shame and specific practices that

[00:02:19] can help us to do that and the results that can come from healing shame.

[00:02:25] Because I would argue that shame is the most powerful, difficult emotion that we have

[00:02:29] because it's the only emotion that is purely not just I did something wrong or I'm not

[00:02:35] feeling well or I'm angry but it's I am wrong, I am bad.

[00:02:41] And that's a totally different thing which is so pervasive and so powerful.

[00:02:46] Before we get started on this week's episode though, I want to remind you that if you

[00:02:50] would like to help contribute to the podcast and help me out, I do have some health conditions

[00:02:57] so it does make it difficult to put in long hours.

[00:02:59] And I do work a part-time job that's almost full time as a team lead and an instructor.

[00:03:06] And I have some prospects for some other jobs as well.

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[00:04:03] emotions.

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[00:04:26] I'm so grateful for the contributions that you've given.

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[00:04:35] They're exclusive to the YouTube channel, hoping to have some new ones out in the near future

[00:04:40] and also check out the Facebook group Christian EmotionalRecovery.com is the name of both of

[00:04:45] those and you can also find the links to those in the show notes.

[00:04:49] So, let's go ahead and jump right into the power of shame and what to do about it.

[00:04:55] Now every single human being has some kind of shame in their life.

[00:05:00] Nobody is immune from that.

[00:05:02] And but people that have experienced childhood neglect, childhood emotional abuse, trauma,

[00:05:07] narcissistic abuse, whether in childhood or adulthood.

[00:05:11] They have we have larger amounts of shame and that shame can be crippling and debilitating

[00:05:16] and very unconscious.

[00:05:17] We not even be aware of it.

[00:05:19] And that's where having an inferiority complex and where feeling like we're not good enough

[00:05:24] and where being codependent and where feeling like we can't do things and feeling like

[00:05:28] we're deficient fundamentally come in.

[00:05:32] And I understand because I grew up believing there was something wrong with me and I was

[00:05:37] taught that there was but it wasn't something that was wrong with me.

[00:05:40] It was something wrong that happened to me and making that distinct but subtle difference

[00:05:47] noting that is vital to our healing.

[00:05:51] This isn't about blame, it's not about hating anybody, it's about understanding where

[00:05:55] we are on our path and why things are the way they are in our minds.

[00:06:00] So we're going to talk about that today.

[00:06:02] We're going to talk about the definition of shame.

[00:06:05] Where does shame come from, the origins of shame, the deep power of shame and what it

[00:06:09] does to us and how pervasive it is on an unconscious level.

[00:06:13] I think every episode I've recorded so far you've heard my cat in the background.

[00:06:18] I've had people say that they love to hear the cat jingling, it's just organic, it's

[00:06:22] part of life.

[00:06:23] And so you hear her and I'm sorry about that but it's you'll hear her from time to time,

[00:06:28] moving around.

[00:06:29] But the next part is how we heal our shame and then specific practices to heal shame

[00:06:35] and then lastly the power and results of healing our shame.

[00:06:39] So what is the positive side of it?

[00:06:41] I don't know, he's going to talk about just the negative and the difficult but what's

[00:06:45] the healing part?

[00:06:46] What's the positive result of that for example?

[00:06:50] And so we'll talk about all of that today in this episode which is season 4 episode

[00:06:56] 3, the power of shame and what to do about it.

[00:06:59] So let's go ahead and jump right in.

[00:07:02] There's an article in positive psychology and it gives a good definition of shame.

[00:07:08] This article in positive psychology is called shame resilience theory advice from Brunei

[00:07:13] Brown.

[00:07:14] Now one thing about Brunei Brown, if you do any work around shame, around vulnerability

[00:07:20] and around openness you need to look at Brunei Brown's work.

[00:07:23] Her work is unparalleled, it is amazing and it is powerful.

[00:07:27] And so if you give a chance to watch her video on the power of vulnerability, that is

[00:07:33] a great start in combating shame.

[00:07:36] It's also a great start in healing shame and reading and listening to her books.

[00:07:40] I love listening to her books because the way she evokes her ideas and it's just powerful.

[00:07:47] And so I encourage you to listen to her audios and go to YouTube and watch her speeches

[00:07:52] which you can get a lot of those for free.

[00:07:54] In this article, shame resilience theory advice from Brunei Brown in positive psychology

[00:07:58] by SEMA Latif.

[00:08:01] SEMA Latif is the writer but there is a concept called shame resilience theory and it says

[00:08:07] what is shame resilience?

[00:08:08] And it gives a definition of shame in order to sort of set that up.

[00:08:12] The context of shame resilience first you need to know what shame is.

[00:08:15] Talking about Brunei Brown, the writer says her work is led to the following pivotal definition

[00:08:20] of shame. It is precise yet widely applicable to the experience of most of us, Brunei.

[00:08:26] That's Brunei that giving the definition even though the writer of the article is quoting

[00:08:31] her.

[00:08:32] It says shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are

[00:08:36] flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.

[00:08:40] That is one of the most painful experiences in human existence.

[00:08:45] I'll say it again.

[00:08:46] Brunei is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed

[00:08:51] and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.

[00:08:54] That is absolutely heartbreaking.

[00:08:56] But continuing in this section, it says in Atlas of the Heart, that's one of Brunei

[00:09:01] Brown's books.

[00:09:02] Brunei Brown outlines the three pillars of shame.

[00:09:05] The result of years of research, her own and others.

[00:09:08] Brunei Brown has done lots of study and lots of research on shame.

[00:09:12] She's an academic but she's an academic with a heart.

[00:09:16] It says we all experience shame.

[00:09:17] That's number one, it is universal.

[00:09:20] It is a primitive emotion shared by everyone unless they completely lack empathy or the

[00:09:24] capacity for human connection.

[00:09:27] So if you experience shame, I'm not saying shame is a good thing but that's a...

[00:09:31] It shows that you have a soul.

[00:09:32] It shows that you have feelings and it shows that you care and you have a conscience.

[00:09:36] Number two, it's not easy to talk about shame.

[00:09:38] Even monitoring, even mentioning the word shame can lead to an experience of the emotion

[00:09:44] and a vocal strong sense of fear.

[00:09:45] That's number two.

[00:09:46] The third concept is talking about shame brings a sense of control.

[00:09:51] That control gives us the strength to overcome our feelings and move forward in our lives.

[00:09:56] And then it says, this is beyond the three.

[00:09:58] This is continuing the article.

[00:10:00] In fact when the topic of shame enters the conversation we often find ourselves as a

[00:10:04] law at a loss to know what it is or even if we understand it, then we most likely don't

[00:10:10] want to talk about it.

[00:10:12] And so to me shame is one of the most insidious emotions that we can experience.

[00:10:17] Does that mean that we should layer or feel bad when we feel shame?

[00:10:21] No, just like any emotion we should be aware of it, observe it without judgment and with

[00:10:26] open compassion and work with it as it is.

[00:10:28] Easier said than done, I know because shame is so powerful.

[00:10:33] But it says, so if shame is all about fear, what's its cause?

[00:10:36] And then it says, well while it's fueled by our sense of being trapped within such feelings,

[00:10:40] it's also a result of unrealistic expectations.

[00:10:44] For example, think of negative body image and the troubling impact of social media worries

[00:10:49] regarding disconnection from others and an impossible mix of contrary choices.

[00:10:54] For example, be yourself, be perfect, look good, be fun, we all get those in society.

[00:11:00] There are certain ones that are heaped on men more than women and certain ones that are

[00:11:03] heaped on women more than men and certain ones that are more pervasive in certain families.

[00:11:10] But everybody has those in society and in their families.

[00:11:13] And for some people, it's damaging.

[00:11:15] And for other people, it might just be something they need to work on depending on the situation.

[00:11:20] So that was the definition of shame.

[00:11:23] And a little bit more about the definition of shame.

[00:11:26] One thing that you need to know if you're going to understand shame is to understand that guilt

[00:11:32] and shame are not necessarily the same thing.

[00:11:37] But guilt is when you say, I feel bad that I made a mistake.

[00:11:41] For example, I forgot to give the dog his medicine this morning.

[00:11:47] Oops, and you feel bad about it.

[00:11:49] That's guilt.

[00:11:50] Or oh my gosh, I forgot to get my great uncle a birthday card this year and he turned

[00:11:56] 90.

[00:11:57] That's guilt.

[00:11:58] But if you say I'm a terrible person, he's going to think I'm thoughtless, I'm a horrible

[00:12:02] human being.

[00:12:03] That is shame.

[00:12:04] You see the difference?

[00:12:06] One is I made a boo-boo.

[00:12:09] I feel bad.

[00:12:10] The other one is I am bad.

[00:12:14] That's the difference between shame and guilt.

[00:12:17] So sometimes guilt can actually be healthy.

[00:12:20] And it can help us to get back on the path that we need to get onto in order to correct

[00:12:26] a behavior that maybe we screwed up or we forgot something or we did something bad

[00:12:31] that we knew we shouldn't have.

[00:12:32] And then looking back, we're like, oh, I shouldn't have done that.

[00:12:35] That's where when we repent of our sins and we ask for forgiveness and we make it right,

[00:12:41] that's not a bad thing.

[00:12:43] But when we won't stop beating on ourselves and we feel like we're a bad person because

[00:12:48] of it, that is shame.

[00:12:49] And that's not helping us heal and we're not doing any repentance or repentance when

[00:12:54] we do that.

[00:12:55] Shame is not repentance.

[00:12:57] Repentance is based in genuine feelings that you want to change.

[00:13:03] And that's not based in shame.

[00:13:05] You see the difference?

[00:13:06] And that's why a lot of people don't come to God because they have so much shame.

[00:13:10] And that's why we need to come to God just as we are even with our shame because God

[00:13:14] accepts us and loves us just as we are.

[00:13:16] All of our shame, you know the story of the prodigal son.

[00:13:20] He was in the pig style with the pigs in poverty because he had spent his entire inheritance.

[00:13:29] He had every reason to be ashamed.

[00:13:31] And yet God welcomed him with open arms, welcomed us with open arms like his father did

[00:13:36] where he cooked the meal and put the robe on him and brought him in the house and put

[00:13:41] the ring.

[00:13:42] You see what I'm saying?

[00:13:43] He still gave him a place of honor.

[00:13:46] And so that's why shame is not something that God wants us to feel because that parable

[00:13:52] is a metaphor for our relationship with God, right?

[00:13:55] So a little bit more about the origins of shame and distinguishing between shame and guilt.

[00:14:01] Then an article in a scientific American article, it talks a little bit about the difference

[00:14:08] between shame and guilt.

[00:14:09] So let's look at that just for a minute.

[00:14:13] So this article is called The Scientific Underpinnings and Impacts of Shame.

[00:14:17] And this is in scientific American and it's by Annette Comerer.

[00:14:25] And I wanted to read a paragraph that really goes into some detail about the difference

[00:14:29] between shame and guilt.

[00:14:33] So it says, just diving right in she says, further guilt is a sign that a person can be

[00:14:37] empathic, empathetic, a trait that is important for one's ability to take someone else's perspective

[00:14:44] to behave altruistically and to have a close relationship.

[00:14:48] Indeed we can feel a sense of guilt only if we can put ourselves in another shoes and

[00:14:52] recognize that our action caused pain or was injurious to the other person.

[00:14:57] As it is generally true of young children, people who are unable to empathize cannot feel

[00:15:01] guilt.

[00:15:02] That's not a good thing.

[00:15:04] Even though guilt doesn't feel good, that's not a good thing.

[00:15:06] It goes on to say guilt holds us back from harming others and encourages us to form relationships

[00:15:11] for the common good.

[00:15:13] When we feel guilty, we turn our gaze outward and seek strategies to reverse the harm

[00:15:17] we have done.

[00:15:18] When we feel ashamed, we turn our attention inwards, focusing mainly on the emotions

[00:15:23] roiling within us and attending less to what is going on around us.

[00:15:28] So you see the difference there between guilt and shame.

[00:15:30] It goes on to talk about the differences, so if you want a good overview of the differences,

[00:15:34] the scientific American article that gives the scientific underpinnings and impacts of

[00:15:39] shame is a good one.

[00:15:41] In very well-minded, it also gives you the symptoms and behaviors of shame and the impacts

[00:15:46] of shame.

[00:15:47] I wanted to read a little bit about that because if your shame is slippery, it's so pervasive

[00:15:52] and it's so subtle sometimes.

[00:15:54] Sometimes it's not subtle, but sometimes it's so pervasive, we're not aware it's there.

[00:15:58] So here are some ways to help you to identify shame.

[00:16:01] This is one of the best articles to help you understand what shame is and how it operates

[00:16:06] and how you can heal it.

[00:16:07] I would say out of all the articles here, the very well-manned article and the psychology

[00:16:12] today article are the best.

[00:16:15] But what does...

[00:16:16] So this article is what does it mean to have shame?

[00:16:19] For this article is actually called the psychology of shame.

[00:16:22] It's the psychology of shame in very well-manned by Arlen Kuhnkick, CU and CIC, talking about

[00:16:29] the symptoms and behaviors of shame.

[00:16:34] There are quite a few, and so I'm not going to read all of them, but some of the ways you

[00:16:38] can know that you're experiencing shame.

[00:16:40] It says, are you wondering whether you might be experiencing shame?

[00:16:43] Below is a list of self-defeating shame reactions according to psychologist Peter Brighen

[00:16:48] in his book, guilt, shame and anxiety.

[00:16:49] As always, this is not something where you should beat on yourself or be harder on yourself.

[00:16:54] Just notice it and observe it without judgment.

[00:16:58] Don't layer it, okay?

[00:16:59] So feeling sensitive or worried about what others think of you, feeling unappreciated,

[00:17:04] used or like others take advantage of you, feeling rejected, regretful, inadequate

[00:17:11] or like you have little impact, uncontrollable blushing or being afraid to look inappropriate

[00:17:15] or stupid, worrying that you aren't treated with respect or wanting to have the last word,

[00:17:20] feeling that you can't be your true self, losing your identity or not sharing your thoughts

[00:17:24] or feelings because you are afraid to be embarrassed.

[00:17:27] Being more worried about failure than doing something immoral or dishonorable, being a perfectionist,

[00:17:34] feeling like an outsider that you are different or left out or feeling suspicious and

[00:17:38] like you can't trust others, being a wall flower or a shrinking violent, wanting to

[00:17:42] shut people out or withdraw, trying to hide or be inconspicuous or not wanting to be

[00:17:47] the center of attention.

[00:17:49] And so those are some of the symptoms of shame and the behaviors are looking down instead

[00:17:54] of people in the eye, keeping your head hung low or slumping your shoulders instead

[00:17:58] of being sitting upright, feeling frozen or unable to move, not being able to act spontaneously,

[00:18:05] stuttering when trying to speak or talking in an overly soft voice, hiding yourself from

[00:18:10] others and crying if you feel shame or embarrassment.

[00:18:13] Now keep in mind, if you feel some of these emotions or have some of these behaviors that

[00:18:18] doesn't necessarily mean it's shame, but these are indicators especially when you start

[00:18:22] having multiple ones that you might be experiencing shame.

[00:18:26] And there are different categories of shame and for the sake of brevity I'm not going

[00:18:30] to go into these, but like I said, if you want a good starting point on learning about

[00:18:35] shame, the very well-mined article is a good place to start.

[00:18:40] And like I said, as always, all the resources I use are in the show notes and that's very

[00:18:44] well-mined the psychology of shame by Arlen Kuhnkick, I think I'm saying that right.

[00:18:49] So we know a little bit about the origins of shame.

[00:18:51] We know a little bit about the behaviors of shame and the definitions, but let's go

[00:18:56] a little bit more into the origins of shame.

[00:18:59] Where does shame come from?

[00:19:00] What causes it?

[00:19:01] We've talked about that a little bit, but let's really dig into that a little bit so you

[00:19:05] can understand it.

[00:19:06] The causes of shame and very well-mined is where I'm going to read.

[00:19:11] I'm reading a lot from this article, but also I'm reading a lot for this particular

[00:19:18] podcast because some podcasts I'm going to just talk from my gut, my heart more, and

[00:19:24] then other ones I'm going to use more of a scientific and psychological basis for what

[00:19:29] I'm talking about and I'm doing that in this one because I want this to be based in

[00:19:32] research and I want you to know this isn't just stuff that I'm

[00:19:35] coming up with.

[00:19:36] This is based on years and years of research by Brunei Brown and other people like her in

[00:19:41] the field that have studied shame and its impacts.

[00:19:49] So the causes of shame and very well-mined it states, are you wondering what causes shame?

[00:19:54] There are a variety of potential causes of the different types of shame, some that are transient

[00:19:59] and others that might have originated in childhood.

[00:20:02] In addition, sometimes mental health concerns can create shame in and of themselves.

[00:20:07] Let's take a look at potential causes of shame.

[00:20:09] Childhood trauma or neglect and if you note in this article there are links to a lot

[00:20:14] of these causes so if you want to learn more about them you can go to those articles that

[00:20:19] are also usually in very well-mined like childhood trauma there's a link and you can

[00:20:23] go in and just read that if you want.

[00:20:27] So the next one is any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment, for

[00:20:32] example social anxiety disorder.

[00:20:35] Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself and it's a vicious

[00:20:40] cycle because I would argue that people that have shame are more likely to be perfectionist

[00:20:46] and have unrealistic standards and it can create a vicious cycle.

[00:20:50] The next one, feeling as though your flaws or inadequacy will be revealed, being the

[00:20:55] victim of bullying, expectations not being met or experiencing failure, rejection from

[00:21:01] others or the weakening of a relationship.

[00:21:04] It's important to note that infants experience shame naturally without ever learning this

[00:21:08] feeling and this way the shame response is normal and natural.

[00:21:12] However when it becomes extreme it becomes a problem.

[00:21:16] So that is a little bit about the origins of shame.

[00:21:20] Of course we know from a lot of the talks that I've done on this channel and if you've

[00:21:24] been on similar channels and if you listen to Bernad Brown's work a lot of the causes

[00:21:30] of shame are the traumatic responses that we have because of trauma itself, because of

[00:21:36] high aces scores in childhood.

[00:21:39] That's adverse childhood experiences because of narcissistic abuse, because of dealing

[00:21:44] with narcissist and keep in mind that narcissists everything they do is shame based.

[00:21:48] But the difference between a narcissist keep in mind we're talking about a true narcissist.

[00:21:52] That term can be overused but the difference between a true narcissist and a regular person

[00:21:58] is that a true narcissist is not capable of having the conscience part of that.

[00:22:04] It's just shame and they're trying to cover up their shame and so they use all these strategies

[00:22:09] and tactics to try to gain control and to try to minimize appearing foolish, so to speak.

[00:22:18] There are forms that have caused shame for people that listen to this podcast, physical

[00:22:23] abuse, sexual abuse, childhood emotional neglect and those same experiences in adulthood

[00:22:30] can also play a role in where shame comes from.

[00:22:33] There's a strong connection we know between having adult parents and grandparents that

[00:22:40] were alcoholics and being codependent and codependency, a lot of people that experience

[00:22:45] codependency they are trying to overcompensate for their shame in a different way than

[00:22:51] narcissists because narcissists do it out of a sense of feeling sort of being an empty

[00:22:55] shell but only God can heal a narcissist.

[00:22:59] But other people, it's more like they want so bad to be a good person because they feel

[00:23:05] so inadequate that they're trying too hard.

[00:23:08] You see the difference?

[00:23:10] So those are some of the origins of shame.

[00:23:14] And then a little bit about the deep power of shame and what it does to us, it's very

[00:23:18] pervasive on an unconscious level and we know how powerful shame can be if we've ever experienced

[00:23:25] it.

[00:23:26] I've had shame that was so bad that I curled up in a ball and just cried.

[00:23:31] It's like one of the medias, weightiest, most toxic dark energies.

[00:23:37] I can't explain it but when I've released a large chunk of shame for my body or my mind,

[00:23:43] just like this heavy dark cloud was just lifted from me.

[00:23:46] It was like a boulder on my back was just gone.

[00:23:49] It's so powerful when you can heal shame and God can heal your shame and we're going to

[00:23:53] get to that in just a little bit.

[00:23:58] So the deep power of shame and what it does to us and how pervasive it is, I'm going

[00:24:02] to read a little paragraph from an article called Finding Healing from Toxic Shame.

[00:24:08] Finding Healing from Toxic Shame and that's in Seattle Christian Counseling.

[00:24:13] And this article, I use a lot of articles from SeattleChristianCounciling.com.

[00:24:19] It's a really good website.

[00:24:21] They have their own practice but they also have some great articles that are Christian informed.

[00:24:27] And so the dangers of toxic shame, they say we've hinted at it already but shame can affect

[00:24:33] us negatively and toxic shame even more so.

[00:24:36] So toxic shame is an extra level of shame if that makes sense.

[00:24:42] Some of the dangers of shame and particularly toxic shame include keeping us hidden in

[00:24:47] the darkness and focusing on our unworthiness of God's mercy and healing.

[00:24:52] Toxic shame can shape our identity but it's untrue to let its core which means that it

[00:24:57] distorts who we really are and robs us of joy that God intended for us.

[00:25:02] Now I want to make an aside here.

[00:25:04] We know that the scriptures talk about God, about Satan being a lion seeking who he can

[00:25:12] devour and being the accuser.

[00:25:14] And the accuser is straight up the alley of shame.

[00:25:17] Our shame comes from the enemy and our healing comes from God and the Holy Spirit.

[00:25:23] So it says keeping us from revealing our wounds to trustworthy people around us, another danger

[00:25:29] of toxic shame.

[00:25:30] Toxic shame and shame can keep us from relationships and from finding acceptance with ourselves

[00:25:36] and with others and with God.

[00:25:38] I'll add, toxic shame robs us of our peace, preventing us from being seen, known and loved

[00:25:44] when that is what we desire most.

[00:25:46] The most important thing a human being can do and one thing that I try to do for everybody

[00:25:50] on this channel is to help you know that you are seen, you are known and you are loved.

[00:25:56] There is scripture after scripture that shows that God sees you and other people see

[00:26:01] you.

[00:26:02] God knows you and other people know you.

[00:26:05] God loves you and other people love you and that matters, that matters so much because

[00:26:10] you matter.

[00:26:11] And then the last danger of toxic shame it says is leading us into withdrawal and anger.

[00:26:17] When you feel unworthy not good enough or a failure, it can pull you away from others.

[00:26:22] Our emotional response to isolation and feeling like a failure is usually negative and anger

[00:26:28] is a common response.

[00:26:29] Remember I've said that anger is often layered over sadness and shame.

[00:26:34] Some people also turn to substance abuse in an attempt to numb the feelings of distress,

[00:26:39] which is why we need to deal with our emotions.

[00:26:42] And then it says toxic shame is unhealthy for us mentally, emotionally and spiritually

[00:26:47] and also physically.

[00:26:48] I think it stays stuck in your body and cause all kinds of health problems too and there's

[00:26:52] a lot of evidence that backs that up.

[00:26:58] So a little bit about how we can heal our shame.

[00:27:04] So we've talked about the definition of shame, origins of shame, the deep power of shame

[00:27:08] and what it does to us, how pervasivity is.

[00:27:10] And so let's talk about how we can heal our shame in specific practices for healing

[00:27:14] shame.

[00:27:15] So how can we heal our shame?

[00:27:18] So a little bit about how to heal shame.

[00:27:20] It's easier said than done, but it can be done and there's a lot of people who have had

[00:27:25] deep embedded shame that they have healed and rooted out.

[00:27:28] And it's just like most of us have seen the movie Shrek and you remember the whole metaphor

[00:27:33] of onions, the onion peeling back the layers.

[00:27:36] That's how you heal shame.

[00:27:37] You peel it back in layers.

[00:27:39] And sometimes though you'll have a large amount of shame that will come up at once and

[00:27:43] it'll be very difficult and it'll be very painful and very dense so to speak.

[00:27:48] And then you have to deal with that very, very carefully with a lot of care and with

[00:27:52] a lot of compassion and with a lot of resilience.

[00:27:55] But you can.

[00:27:56] And then when that comes up and comes out of our neural network, that's where we're

[00:28:00] healing certain forms of trauma at the root in our neural network physically in our bodies

[00:28:05] from the root.

[00:28:07] So shame, resilience theory and positive psychology has a little bit to talk about when it comes

[00:28:12] to how to heal shame.

[00:28:15] There's a part where it says, what does it mean to be vulnerable?

[00:28:21] And there's also a list on how to heal shame here.

[00:28:24] So we'll look at both of those for a little bit in the positive psychology article.

[00:28:32] So one of the ways that we heal shame is through vulnerability and that's why I encourage

[00:28:38] you if the first thing you go to besides maybe the positive psychology and the very well-mine

[00:28:42] articles, there are some great books on shame.

[00:28:45] Anything by Brunei Brown is great.

[00:28:47] I would go to YouTube and listen to her talk on the power of vulnerability.

[00:28:51] It is a TED talk and it is wonderful.

[00:28:53] It's been viewed by at least around 60 million people so that gives you an idea of how

[00:28:58] powerful it is.

[00:28:59] And it's, you know, you might need some tissues.

[00:29:02] It's very powerful.

[00:29:03] But so part of the where you heal shame is through vulnerability.

[00:29:07] A lot of people think when they think of vulnerability, they think being wide open to attack

[00:29:13] or to potential danger.

[00:29:15] And that's not the kind of vulnerability we're talking about here.

[00:29:18] Vulnerability does require being open and there is risk involved but it's more like a

[00:29:22] screen.

[00:29:23] You don't just leave yourself open to everybody all the time.

[00:29:25] That's not healthy.

[00:29:26] You have to be selective about how and when and with whom you're vulnerable, right?

[00:29:31] But vulnerability is how you heal shame.

[00:29:34] And this article says vulnerability should not be confused or conflated with disclosure

[00:29:38] or emotional purging rights, Brown.

[00:29:41] She adds that believing that vulnerability as weakness is believing that feeling is weakness.

[00:29:45] Instead vulnerability is the cornerstone of courage, resilience and problem solving.

[00:29:50] And for Brown recognizing vulnerability as far from weakness, it is part of identifying

[00:29:55] an understanding our shame trip triggers.

[00:29:58] If I acknowledge that being a good parent is really important to who I am but also vulnerability

[00:30:04] of vulnerability issue for me, it does not mean my shame around the issue will grow.

[00:30:08] Instead we can use what we are feeling to seek out and utilize support rather than letting

[00:30:14] it become a shame trigger.

[00:30:16] And then it talks about the power of vulnerability, her talk.

[00:30:20] And like I said, if you want to learn about how to heal shame, you just go to Brunei Brown's

[00:30:24] work and it will help you.

[00:30:27] So four elements of shame resilience is part of the practice and the whole concept of healing

[00:30:33] shame.

[00:30:34] Some of those are first, the research is based in Brown's work, recognizing shame and

[00:30:41] understanding its triggers as number one.

[00:30:43] This is still a same article.

[00:30:44] We must learn to recognize physically when we are in the grip of shame so that we can name

[00:30:49] it and find our way through it.

[00:30:52] Often obscured by other painful and difficult emotions such as blame and fear, triggers

[00:30:58] can go unnoticed causing us to react in inauthentic ways that only serve to exacerbate

[00:31:03] our shame.

[00:31:04] So let me give a personal example.

[00:31:06] I have somebody in my life who likes to, let's just say watch me squirm.

[00:31:12] That's a nice way of putting it.

[00:31:14] And they will actually, they they done this my whole life and they enjoy watching me suffer

[00:31:20] literally.

[00:31:21] And so I try not to be around them too much and when I am I try to gray rock them and

[00:31:26] I try to be civil and I try to keep the discussions basic that if I'm having a really difficult

[00:31:31] time or if I'm not really digging being in that person's presence, sometimes that person

[00:31:36] will pick up on it and they'll say you're already worked up and they'll just sit there

[00:31:40] and make these comments and poke at me and try to just make me try to trigger me.

[00:31:46] And that's coming from that shame because this person knows my triggers.

[00:31:50] They like to see me suffer.

[00:31:52] Yes, there are people that like to see you suffer.

[00:31:54] They're rare but there are genuine sociopaths and psychopaths that do that and they like

[00:31:59] to watch you squirm.

[00:32:00] And so recognizing when that happens is so important because then you can walk away

[00:32:06] or you can be like, why do you do things like that?

[00:32:09] Not in a way that engages that person but just to change the subject or something that

[00:32:14] helps to bring clarity to that situation and bring it out in the open in a way that's

[00:32:19] healthy.

[00:32:20] Like I said, you probably don't want to directly confront a person like this because

[00:32:23] it will never go well.

[00:32:25] But there are ways of dealing with it that are constructive that can pull you away from

[00:32:28] that moment.

[00:32:30] So often obscured by other painful and difficult emotions such as blame and fear triggers can

[00:32:35] go unnoticed, causing us to react in inauthentic ways that serve only to exacerbate our shame.

[00:32:41] Practicing critical awareness is another one.

[00:32:44] The messages and expectations driving shame are likely unrealistic, unattainable and not

[00:32:49] what you want to be or what others wish for you.

[00:32:53] So perfectionism, for example.

[00:32:55] And then being aware of that and working on letting go loosening and softening perfectionism

[00:33:02] not being so rigid.

[00:33:04] And then it says while awareness is about knowing that something exists, critical awareness

[00:33:09] is when you understand why it exists, how it works and its impacts.

[00:33:15] That's why therapy, meditation, journaling, bodywork, grounding and inner child work are

[00:33:23] all so powerful for healing shame.

[00:33:25] Those are specific practices that can help you shame.

[00:33:29] Prayer, meditation, writing and journaling, listening to music, bodywork, grounding

[00:33:38] and talking to a therapist or some of the ways you can release shame.

[00:33:41] And I would argue that EMDR is one of those therapies which is eye movement decensitization

[00:33:47] reprocessing.

[00:33:49] You can do with a professional.

[00:33:51] That is bodywork.

[00:33:53] And I would argue that that's probably one of the most powerful strategies you can use

[00:33:57] to heal shame because often EMDR does work on those dark, deep, heavy, core emotions

[00:34:05] that are so difficult.

[00:34:06] And shame is one of those.

[00:34:09] Another way is by reaching out to people.

[00:34:12] When you bring shame in a healthy and safe way out in the open and talk about it and work

[00:34:17] on it and have somebody witness it who is non-judgmental and kind and compassionate

[00:34:22] and do that for yourself and let God do that for you.

[00:34:26] Let a therapist do that for you.

[00:34:28] That is healing.

[00:34:30] So reaching out, it says, are we truly connecting with and owning our story?

[00:34:35] If not, we can't experience empathy.

[00:34:38] Connection is a vital aspect of shame resilience enabling us to feel valued, affirmed, accepted.

[00:34:44] It says when we feel worthless, reject it and unworthy of belonging, we feel shame.

[00:34:48] Brown 2007.

[00:34:50] So those are some ways that we can help us heal our shame.

[00:34:54] And the last one, speaking shame, it says when we feel shame, we must learn to ask for

[00:34:59] what we need, failing to speak, keeping it secret and experiencing judgment or fanning

[00:35:04] the flame.

[00:35:05] Now this is an idea of mine.

[00:35:07] I've seen so many times people say, don't share your problems on Facebook.

[00:35:11] And I don't think that people should be airing out very personal dirty laundry on Facebook

[00:35:16] and I understand that a lot of people don't feel comfortable doing that and they have

[00:35:20] a good support system.

[00:35:21] And that's fine.

[00:35:22] And I'm not saying that people should just trauma dump all over Facebook or share their

[00:35:27] deepest darkest secrets, but sharing that you're going through something and normalizing

[00:35:32] that and desensitizing people to those kinds of experiences in terms of it being normalized

[00:35:39] and working on healing the stigmas within yourself and with another people by talking

[00:35:43] about this stuff on social media and elsewhere within an appropriate framework and context

[00:35:49] can actually be helpful and can actually be healthy.

[00:35:52] So when somebody tries to shut you down and shame, you find a healthy place to talk, not

[00:35:58] to just vent and dump but to talk and to communicate and to understand.

[00:36:07] And then it says after all we can't find the right words or don't have the right opportunity

[00:36:12] in audience.

[00:36:13] We are left along with our fears and we shut down and accept our lot, which is learned

[00:36:17] helplessness and you don't have to live like that.

[00:36:20] Shame is a trap.

[00:36:21] We often fail to recognize as we enter or while in it.

[00:36:26] Taken by surprise, we may not be sure how to get how we got there or how to get out.

[00:36:30] The four elements above can help us become more aware of better at avoiding so preventing

[00:36:37] you can see the signs and be like whoop time to turn around, time to move in another direction

[00:36:42] and more empowering to escape from it.

[00:36:45] So I'll repeat the four elements of shame resistance, recognizing shame and understanding

[00:36:50] its triggers, practicing critical awareness, reaching out and speaking shame.

[00:36:57] So those are some of the ways and specific practices that can help us heal and overcome

[00:37:04] shame.

[00:37:05] And I've also listed some as I've discussed this based on this article and some of the

[00:37:10] others.

[00:37:11] I also like to use Christian articles, some of these are more general and more psychological

[00:37:17] for a general audience but also doing some Christian work around this because our unique relationship

[00:37:23] with God entails that we can use our relationship with God to help us heal shame.

[00:37:30] If we meditate on scriptures about our relationship with God, about being joint heirs with God,

[00:37:36] about being children of God, about who we are in Christ, about our identity in Christ.

[00:37:43] If we understand the strategies that the enemy uses with shame and being the accuser to

[00:37:48] attack us and to make us debilitate us with shame, then those are some strategies we can

[00:37:53] use also to help us heal shame.

[00:37:56] So specific practices on healing shame.

[00:38:00] I would recommend like I said reading Brunei Brown's books, listening to her TED talks and

[00:38:05] other tools that she provides.

[00:38:07] Her work is so good, can't emphasize that enough.

[00:38:11] Also check out the positive psychology argument under shame and vulnerability, how to build resilience.

[00:38:18] That's a good place to help you heal shame as well.

[00:38:21] And I'll read that in just a second.

[00:38:23] There are exercises there that you can do as a meditation or journal such as learning

[00:38:27] to recognize your physical reaction to shame, identifying shame triggers and recognizing

[00:38:33] expectations.

[00:38:35] So there are many great shame meditations online.

[00:38:37] You can get a lot of free ones on YouTube and on Insight Timer.

[00:38:43] There's a paid version of Insight Timer where you can get even more of them.

[00:38:46] You can use the acorn meditations that I have on my YouTube channel that you can use those

[00:38:52] on shame, specifically when it comes to when you work on the acorn meditation focus on

[00:38:58] a specific element of shame.

[00:39:00] Journaling some around your experiences before or after your experience of shame can be helpful

[00:39:04] as well.

[00:39:06] And so let me read that part of the article in positive psychology, shame and vulnerability

[00:39:11] how to build resistance.

[00:39:13] And that'll give you just a little bit more on how to heal shame and specific practices

[00:39:17] that can help you to do that.

[00:39:19] So overcoming and dealing with shame, it says empathy is a hostile environment right

[00:39:25] to brown.

[00:39:26] It's a hostile environment for shame I should say.

[00:39:29] Shame thrives when we feel alone cut off separated and different from those closest

[00:39:34] us.

[00:39:35] Shame happens in the gaps between people when separation is removed or lessened the feeling

[00:39:41] loses its power over us using self-compassion to overcome shame practice self-kindness

[00:39:47] and self-judgment.

[00:39:48] And some of these are based on browns work but some of them are also based on Christian

[00:39:53] niffs work.

[00:39:54] She does a lot of work on self-compassion so another place I would recommend you go to

[00:39:59] help you work on shame and heal it is the concept of self-compassion and the concept of radical

[00:40:07] acceptance.

[00:40:08] Just do a Google search and you can find all kinds of resources books, talks, courses,

[00:40:13] journals, meditations and so on.

[00:40:15] Radical acceptance and self-compassion.

[00:40:19] So it says practice self-kindness over self-judgment.

[00:40:23] Developing self-kindness includes becoming more understanding and forgiving with ourselves

[00:40:28] when we perceive our failures in inadequacies.

[00:40:31] Instead of being hard on ourselves, self-compassion involves recognizing we are imperfect and that's

[00:40:36] okay and that the obstacles we face in life are inevitable.

[00:40:40] So I would also argue that all these practices will we can practice these on ourselves and

[00:40:46] when we learn to practice them on ourselves it comes naturally to help us to help other

[00:40:50] people and to practice them on other people.

[00:40:52] So I argue that when we work on these practices, we're also being a better Christian because

[00:40:57] we're working on compassion in general not just for ourselves.

[00:41:01] It also bleeds into our lives and our relationships.

[00:41:04] The next one is practice common humanity over isolation.

[00:41:08] Learning and feelings of shame and personal inadequacy are universal among humans.

[00:41:13] We can benefit ourselves in those around us by recognizing that this is something we all

[00:41:17] go through, a shared experience.

[00:41:19] The next one practice mindfulness rather than over self-identification.

[00:41:24] A mindful state is non-judgmental so another practice is mindfulness.

[00:41:29] Self-compassion, mindfulness and radical acceptance.

[00:41:34] And it says here, a mindful state is non-judgmental.

[00:41:37] It observes emotions and thoughts without trying to interrupt them or deny them.

[00:41:42] While we should never over-identify with pain, we cannot ignore it.

[00:41:46] Instead we must show ourselves self-compassion.

[00:41:50] Also we can use therapy to improve shame resilience.

[00:41:54] This is the article it continues and it goes into some details about that.

[00:41:57] Shame and vulnerability how to build resilience and then it gives you all of these like I said

[00:42:02] the exercises I was talking about.

[00:42:04] Trying to recognize our physical reaction to shame gives you questions that can help

[00:42:10] you understand how to do that.

[00:42:12] You could do those in a journal.

[00:42:15] Also identify shame triggers, it gives you some questions to help you to be able to identify

[00:42:20] those.

[00:42:22] Recognizing expectations, it gives you questions to identify those.

[00:42:24] I'm not going to go into all those but those are some specific ways that you can work on

[00:42:30] your shame, increase your shame resilience and shame resilience is just overcoming shame,

[00:42:35] healing shame.

[00:42:36] When you feel or experience shame, you have a wider bandwidth to be able to deal with it

[00:42:41] and you're more likely to overcome it.

[00:42:44] So those are some strategies on how to heal shame.

[00:42:47] And specific practices you can do all of those that I just listed were in the positive

[00:42:52] psychology article on resilience shame theory.

[00:42:59] So what are the powers and results of healing our shame?

[00:43:03] So like I said, keep in mind that you are acceptable and lovable at what you are that God loves

[00:43:09] you and that you have intrinsic worth.

[00:43:12] And the more you shed those layers of shame, the more you will begin to realize that experientially

[00:43:17] intrinsically and in your body.

[00:43:21] And that's really where it comes down to.

[00:43:25] You need to meditate on, write about, dwell on and do affirmations about your identity as

[00:43:30] a human being and your identity in Christ where you have intrinsic value simply because

[00:43:35] you exist.

[00:43:37] Repeating scriptures that remind you of God's love and grace and who you are in Christ

[00:43:41] are so important for this reason as well.

[00:43:45] And I've included a couple of articles that are devotionals and articles from Christian

[00:43:51] counseling groups that also talk about healing shame.

[00:43:54] I didn't reference all of those, but I'll put that extra couple of articles in the show notes

[00:43:58] as well so you can reference and read those.

[00:44:01] And you can also like I said, I've given you a lot of resources.

[00:44:04] You can go with what resonates with you.

[00:44:07] You can go with what is the most powerful?

[00:44:09] But if you start anywhere, start with the Brunei brown talk on the power of vulnerability

[00:44:15] and maybe look into some of her work.

[00:44:17] She is a Christian.

[00:44:18] Her work isn't Christian per se.

[00:44:19] She does like to use some adult language so if that's not your thing, just note that.

[00:44:24] But her work is so wonderful and so powerful.

[00:44:26] I absolutely love her work and it's life changing.

[00:44:29] It's I'm not exaggerating.

[00:44:31] Her work is that good.

[00:44:33] But if you want to start with some books, anything by Brunei Brown radical acceptance is

[00:44:40] a good book.

[00:44:41] Keep in mind that radical acceptance is Buddhist informed.

[00:44:44] But anybody can listen to it and read it and benefit from it.

[00:44:47] There's audio versions and print versions.

[00:44:51] And then also keep in mind, another book that's good is Healing the Shame that Bonds

[00:44:55] you by John Bradshaw.

[00:44:57] John Bradshaw has some really good work too.

[00:44:59] He's an older guy and his work is really good as well.

[00:45:02] But I will put all the resources in the show notes and this episode has been episode

[00:45:08] three season four, the power of shame and what to do about it.

[00:45:12] And we have gone over the definition of shame, origins of shame, the power of shame,

[00:45:17] how we heal our shame, specific practices to heal shame and then the power and results

[00:45:23] of healing our shame.

[00:45:24] How does that show up for us in our lives?

[00:45:27] It changes our lives forever in ways I can't even begin to explain.

[00:45:32] And a lot of people don't even believe this kind of healing is possible.

[00:45:35] It is possible.

[00:45:36] And there are moments where you're going to struggle and you're going to wonder if

[00:45:39] you're really getting anywhere but if you keep healing and if you work on healing that

[00:45:43] shame, you will see some amazing results in your life.

[00:45:47] So just keep doing the practices and keep working on it.

[00:45:50] Know that God loves you.

[00:45:51] Know that you have intrinsic worth.

[00:45:53] Know that there are strategies out there that can help you to feel better and to do better

[00:45:57] and to be better.

[00:45:58] Thank you so much for listening.

[00:46:00] Remember especially on this one that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God loves

[00:46:05] you.

[00:46:06] Have a great day.

[00:46:09] Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode of Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:46:15] hosted by Rachel LaRoy.

[00:46:17] For links to this week's resources and to join the discussion check out this episode's

[00:46:22] show notes at christianemotionalrecovery.com where you can also find links to our YouTube

[00:46:28] channel and Facebook group.

[00:46:30] Join our email list and get other episodes and resources.

[00:46:35] If you enjoyed the podcast, please rate and review the podcast and tell a friend who may

[00:46:40] benefit from this message.

[00:46:42] See you next time and remember Belovitz.

[00:46:45] God loves you and you are fearfully and wonderfully made.