Episode 17 Season 4: If The Holidays Are Difficult

[00:00:03] Hello, Beloveds, and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse. This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor. Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere. We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us out of the world.

[00:00:33] This podcast is where faith meets science. Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked. She'll show you how to do the same. Each week, we'll cover a topic that will show you how to heal trauma for good. Please check out our website and show notes at ChristianEmotionalRecovery.com.

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[00:01:17] Hello everyone and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery Season 4, Episode 17. This episode is a holiday podcast slash YouTube crossover. This is a holiday podcast crossover to YouTube. This is one for the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holiday seasons that we celebrate.

[00:01:40] And that sometimes we endure or survive depending on our situation. Maybe some of both for some of us.

[00:01:47] But I want to just, I have a plan for this podcast episode, but I'm also kind of doing this spontaneously because it just weighed on my heart today.

[00:01:59] And I just wanted to share with people.

[00:02:02] First, if you haven't checked out the YouTube channel, check it out.

[00:02:08] And you can go to, it's Christian Emotional Recovery, Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:02:13] And if you type that in, you should find it. There's also links to it in the show notes.

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[00:02:26] And that's Christian Emotional Recovery as well.

[00:02:29] Christian Emotional Recovery is the name of the Facebook group.

[00:02:33] So check those out.

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[00:03:12] christianemotionalrecovery.com

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[00:03:17] So check those out as well.

[00:03:18] All right, so let's just go ahead and jump right in.

[00:03:22] The holidays can be a complicated subject for a lot of us who have survived trauma,

[00:03:28] who have survived abuse, especially abuse within family systems and within relationships.

[00:03:35] And so I understand that it's complicated for a lot of people.

[00:03:38] And it's one of those times where people who may have happy or functional family structures,

[00:03:45] where it's very hard to watch those people,

[00:03:49] to see those happy Target and Publix Christmas commercials where the soldier boy comes home

[00:03:57] and everybody's just cheering and happy and there's just this warm candlelight

[00:04:02] and you've got the Christmas tree.

[00:04:04] You know the one I'm talking about.

[00:04:06] Those kind of commercials are very painful.

[00:04:08] And something that I found very ironic and very strange is, you know, you can get yelled at

[00:04:15] and told all these terrible things and criticized all day long and you'll hold that stuff in

[00:04:22] and you'll hold that stuff in.

[00:04:23] And you will sort of just kind of deal with it even though it hurts.

[00:04:25] And the minute somebody sees you and validates you and gives you a hug and says,

[00:04:31] I love you and I'm sorry about the pain you're going through and you know it's someone who's genuine

[00:04:34] and you see that kind of just togetherness and safety,

[00:04:40] you will just break down and start crying.

[00:04:43] It just, you lose it.

[00:04:45] I understand there's just something about it that's really vulnerable because it taps into something in us.

[00:04:52] I'm not the kind of person who will have a lot of emotion when I'm going through mistreatment.

[00:04:58] I'm the kind of person that once I'm able to air that out in a compassionate space

[00:05:04] or if I go somewhere where it's not like that and I feel safe and I feel seen,

[00:05:08] I will just start bawling because I don't know how to explain it.

[00:05:13] I don't know if some people may be the opposite,

[00:05:15] but if you understand what I'm saying, you understand what I'm saying, right?

[00:05:19] So holidays are kind of that time where we feel vulnerable in a lot of ways

[00:05:24] and we don't feel safe and it amplifies things that we go through and it's very difficult.

[00:05:30] So if you feel that way during the holidays, whether you've lost somebody you've loved

[00:05:35] or you have a strained family or friendship

[00:05:37] or if you have a strained family or friendship relationship,

[00:05:43] or if you're just facing loneliness or isolation because you don't have a lot of family or friends,

[00:05:48] maybe you've had to go low or no contact with them to protect your own sanity and mental health.

[00:05:55] If you're facing experiencing financial hardship,

[00:05:58] if you're just dealing with general mental health challenges during the holidays,

[00:06:03] those can bring out all those things.

[00:06:05] People in recovery from addiction, caregivers and parents of young children.

[00:06:09] If you're caring for young children, if you're caring for a special needs child or a special needs parent

[00:06:15] or an elderly parent that has dementia,

[00:06:18] those are all things people that experience difficulty during the holidays.

[00:06:23] It can be a tough time.

[00:06:25] So it can be a lot.

[00:06:26] It can be a warm, kind, loving time for just sharing and caring and all of that.

[00:06:33] But it can also be more difficult and amplify those situations that can cause us grief and pain.

[00:06:40] So I want you to know that you're not alone and you are seen.

[00:06:43] And this episode is a combination of just talking about how you're not alone

[00:06:49] and how that's more common than you might think

[00:06:51] and also specific strategies you can do to help yourself if you're in one of those situations

[00:06:57] or a similar situation that I might not have listed.

[00:07:00] So if you're not in one of those situations, but it's still difficult for you for another reason,

[00:07:05] please know also that you're not alone.

[00:07:07] Okay?

[00:07:08] Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, all of those holidays.

[00:07:12] This applies to all of them.

[00:07:13] Okay?

[00:07:14] Let's go ahead and jump in.

[00:07:15] Let's go ahead and jump in.

[00:07:16] First of all, this is being recorded in early, mid-November.

[00:07:22] And there are a lot of things that have happened in the United States

[00:07:26] that have caused a lot of conflict in our nation.

[00:07:30] And if you're going through that difficulty right now

[00:07:34] and you're trying to process what's happened,

[00:07:37] I'm not going to get political.

[00:07:38] I'm not going to get into that.

[00:07:40] But just know that you're not alone

[00:07:43] and that your feelings are valid

[00:07:45] and that your concerns are valid

[00:07:47] and that I'm here for you

[00:07:49] and that I understand.

[00:07:51] Let me just say that that is...

[00:07:54] I understand.

[00:07:55] I understand.

[00:07:56] I understand what you're feeling

[00:07:57] and you're not imagining things.

[00:07:59] And I'll leave it at that.

[00:08:01] So, jumping right into the holidays.

[00:08:04] This is for everybody.

[00:08:05] Everybody's welcome on this podcast.

[00:08:07] But I wanted to say that to some people

[00:08:09] who may be going through something unique there.

[00:08:12] That I see you.

[00:08:13] That you're not alone.

[00:08:15] And you're not completely imagining things.

[00:08:17] Okay?

[00:08:18] And I love you.

[00:08:19] And I see you.

[00:08:20] Okay?

[00:08:22] We'll get through this.

[00:08:23] We will.

[00:08:23] We'll get through this.

[00:08:25] So, some of the things that people deal with

[00:08:28] in the holidays.

[00:08:29] People dealing with grief and loss.

[00:08:31] Whether it's a recent death

[00:08:32] or an unresolved loss.

[00:08:34] It could be...

[00:08:35] You know, you don't just deal with loss and grief

[00:08:38] when it comes to the death of a family member

[00:08:40] or somebody you love.

[00:08:41] It could be other kinds of grief.

[00:08:44] The death of a relationship.

[00:08:45] The loss of a job.

[00:08:47] The loss of anything that is significant to you.

[00:08:50] The loss of a pet.

[00:08:51] People underestimate the power of the love

[00:08:54] that we get from our cats and our dogs

[00:08:56] and our other animals.

[00:08:57] And my cat, like I said,

[00:08:59] I live a pretty isolated life

[00:09:02] because I've been hurt by a lot of people.

[00:09:04] And some of it is also by choice.

[00:09:07] And my cat, Jade,

[00:09:08] she's my best friend.

[00:09:10] I mean, I've got other friends, of course.

[00:09:12] But she's my best friend

[00:09:13] because she's with me every day.

[00:09:15] She's been through me.

[00:09:16] She's been with me through thick and thin.

[00:09:18] So it's...

[00:09:19] If you've lost a pet

[00:09:20] and somebody's telling you to get over it,

[00:09:23] it's okay.

[00:09:24] Where you're at is okay.

[00:09:26] And your feelings are real.

[00:09:27] And I see you.

[00:09:28] I see you.

[00:09:29] But other things that...

[00:09:31] Like I said,

[00:09:32] the holiday season,

[00:09:33] whether you're grieving the loss of a person

[00:09:36] or a pet

[00:09:37] or something else meaningful in your life,

[00:09:40] maybe an expectation or a dream

[00:09:42] that you thought was going to happen

[00:09:44] got just shattered

[00:09:45] and you're just picking up the pieces.

[00:09:48] I've had that happen so many times

[00:09:49] I can't even begin to tell you.

[00:09:52] So just notice that the holidays

[00:09:54] can intensify feelings of grief.

[00:09:57] Family gatherings and traditions

[00:10:00] may remind people of those

[00:10:01] who are no longer present

[00:10:03] or of the thing that was hoped for

[00:10:05] that didn't happen.

[00:10:06] Maybe you wanted a child

[00:10:08] and it didn't happen.

[00:10:11] It's endless how many things that could be.

[00:10:13] But you know,

[00:10:14] you know what that is for you

[00:10:16] if you've been there.

[00:10:17] But know that that can be

[00:10:19] one of those situations

[00:10:20] where it can make things worse.

[00:10:23] And then those with

[00:10:24] strained family relationships,

[00:10:26] more of us on this podcast

[00:10:28] do not understand that.

[00:10:29] For people with challenging family dynamics,

[00:10:32] whether it's your family of origin

[00:10:34] or your own spouse and children

[00:10:37] or former spouse and children,

[00:10:39] those involving estrangement,

[00:10:42] narcissism,

[00:10:43] unresolved conflicts,

[00:10:44] mental illness,

[00:10:46] and addiction,

[00:10:47] among other things,

[00:10:48] the holidays can bring up

[00:10:49] difficult memories,

[00:10:51] frustrations,

[00:10:51] and even dread

[00:10:52] about family gatherings.

[00:10:54] And I'm just going to be blunt.

[00:10:56] I dread the holidays

[00:10:57] for that very reason.

[00:10:59] I dread them.

[00:11:00] It's very difficult for me.

[00:11:02] And I feel like it's just something

[00:11:03] that I try to get through.

[00:11:05] And I do it to honor

[00:11:06] some of the people in my life

[00:11:08] who have tried to be there for me

[00:11:11] in their own way,

[00:11:12] but have missed the mark

[00:11:13] hardcore.

[00:11:14] And I try to remember

[00:11:17] to honor

[00:11:17] the good,

[00:11:19] even though

[00:11:20] that's difficult for me.

[00:11:21] And I'm not saying

[00:11:23] that everybody can do that.

[00:11:24] It's very difficult

[00:11:25] for me to even do it.

[00:11:26] It gets more and more

[00:11:27] difficult by the year.

[00:11:28] So if that's you

[00:11:29] and you have that conflict,

[00:11:31] please know,

[00:11:32] again,

[00:11:32] you're not alone.

[00:11:33] If you feel dread,

[00:11:35] if you feel fear,

[00:11:36] if you feel sadness,

[00:11:39] if you feel loss

[00:11:41] in frustration,

[00:11:42] you're not alone.

[00:11:43] Your feelings are valid

[00:11:44] and a lot of people

[00:11:45] are going through

[00:11:46] just what you're going through.

[00:11:48] I don't say that

[00:11:48] to invalidate you.

[00:11:49] I say that because

[00:11:50] know that you're not alone.

[00:11:53] Another one that's common

[00:11:55] is people that face

[00:11:56] loneliness and isolation.

[00:11:58] People without family nearby.

[00:11:59] Maybe you have family,

[00:12:00] but you can't go.

[00:12:02] Maybe you're in Florida

[00:12:02] and they're in California

[00:12:03] and you can't afford the ticket

[00:12:05] to go see them.

[00:12:06] You know,

[00:12:06] or you can't get off work.

[00:12:08] Things like that happen too.

[00:12:10] Those who are single

[00:12:11] and feel left out

[00:12:12] of holiday gatherings,

[00:12:13] that's another one.

[00:12:14] We live in a society

[00:12:15] where people who have

[00:12:16] are married

[00:12:17] and have children

[00:12:18] are put on a pedestal.

[00:12:19] And if you're single

[00:12:20] and or you don't have children,

[00:12:22] you're kind of a second-class citizen

[00:12:24] in some families

[00:12:25] and in some religious dynamics.

[00:12:27] I get that.

[00:12:28] I understand.

[00:12:29] I don't have children

[00:12:30] and I'm kind of the oddball out

[00:12:33] in my family because of that.

[00:12:35] But know if you are

[00:12:37] in any of those situations

[00:12:38] or even if you have children

[00:12:39] and maybe you're alienated

[00:12:41] or estranged from them

[00:12:42] or parents,

[00:12:43] the same thing.

[00:12:44] Know that if you're facing

[00:12:46] isolation or loneliness

[00:12:47] just because you don't have

[00:12:48] a lot of friends and family,

[00:12:50] you're not alone.

[00:12:51] And that's normal

[00:12:52] that the holidays

[00:12:53] might amplify that

[00:12:54] and make that more difficult

[00:12:55] as well.

[00:12:56] So if you're also

[00:12:58] a survivor of trauma

[00:12:59] of any kind,

[00:13:00] especially abuse

[00:13:01] and childhood abuse

[00:13:02] and neglect,

[00:13:04] holidays can trigger

[00:13:05] painful memories

[00:13:06] for people who've experienced

[00:13:07] childhood abuse,

[00:13:08] neglect,

[00:13:09] and trauma,

[00:13:10] especially when spending

[00:13:11] time with family

[00:13:12] or in a familiar environment

[00:13:13] that may hold difficult

[00:13:14] associations

[00:13:15] and memories.

[00:13:17] Again,

[00:13:17] I understand.

[00:13:19] I can't get into details,

[00:13:20] but believe me,

[00:13:21] it's very, very difficult

[00:13:22] and I understand.

[00:13:24] You're not alone.

[00:13:25] People experiencing

[00:13:26] financial hardship,

[00:13:27] the holidays are often

[00:13:28] full of spending expectations

[00:13:30] and those who are

[00:13:31] struggling financially

[00:13:32] may feel additional stress

[00:13:34] or shame

[00:13:35] around gift giving

[00:13:36] or participating

[00:13:36] in costly traditions.

[00:13:38] Again,

[00:13:39] I understand.

[00:13:40] I used to sit around

[00:13:41] with extended family

[00:13:42] and they would give each other

[00:13:43] these expensive gifts

[00:13:44] and it almost felt like

[00:13:45] they were trying

[00:13:45] to one-up each other

[00:13:47] to see who could give

[00:13:47] each other the fanciest gifts.

[00:13:49] It wasn't just

[00:13:50] what the gifts were,

[00:13:51] but it was the vibe

[00:13:51] and it was what they said.

[00:13:53] While my family

[00:13:55] gave nice gifts,

[00:13:56] but it wasn't anything

[00:13:57] like that

[00:13:58] and there was just

[00:13:58] a lot of shame

[00:13:59] and embarrassment

[00:14:00] and it was just

[00:14:02] toxic,

[00:14:02] you know?

[00:14:03] And Christmas

[00:14:04] shouldn't be about that.

[00:14:05] It should be about

[00:14:06] the birth of our Savior

[00:14:08] and it should be about love

[00:14:09] and it should be about family.

[00:14:11] There's something wrong

[00:14:11] with giving gifts,

[00:14:12] especially for the kids.

[00:14:13] Of course you want to give them

[00:14:14] for the kids,

[00:14:15] but some parents struggle

[00:14:16] to give their kids gifts

[00:14:18] and they feel a lot of shame

[00:14:20] about that

[00:14:21] and that's unfortunate

[00:14:22] because there's a lot

[00:14:24] to Christmas

[00:14:24] even for kids

[00:14:25] that involves gifts,

[00:14:26] but it involves

[00:14:27] so much more than that.

[00:14:29] So much more.

[00:14:30] Another one is

[00:14:31] people in recovery

[00:14:32] from addiction.

[00:14:33] The holidays often come

[00:14:34] with pressures to indulge,

[00:14:36] which can make

[00:14:37] staying sober

[00:14:38] challenging.

[00:14:38] If you're in a situation

[00:14:40] where people drink

[00:14:41] and they know

[00:14:41] you're recovering

[00:14:42] and they are not

[00:14:43] considerate of that,

[00:14:44] maybe talk to them

[00:14:45] and if there's no

[00:14:47] understanding there,

[00:14:49] then you don't need

[00:14:50] to go there

[00:14:50] for the holidays.

[00:14:51] You don't need

[00:14:52] that temptation.

[00:14:53] You don't need

[00:14:53] that reminder.

[00:14:55] Not everybody

[00:14:55] can have alcohol

[00:14:57] or drugs

[00:14:58] and that's

[00:15:00] a good thing,

[00:15:01] right?

[00:15:02] Stay the course.

[00:15:03] Be true

[00:15:05] to yourself,

[00:15:05] but don't put yourself

[00:15:07] in a situation

[00:15:08] where you're tempted

[00:15:09] to go back

[00:15:09] into old patterns.

[00:15:11] Okay?

[00:15:12] And if other things

[00:15:13] in the holidays

[00:15:14] are tempting you

[00:15:15] to break your recovery,

[00:15:17] reach out for help.

[00:15:18] Please reach out for help.

[00:15:20] Even if there's

[00:15:20] the slightest temptation,

[00:15:22] do not give in to that.

[00:15:23] Immediately reach out

[00:15:24] for help.

[00:15:24] Another one

[00:15:25] is caregivers

[00:15:26] and parents

[00:15:27] of young children.

[00:15:28] Those who are caring

[00:15:29] for loved ones

[00:15:29] with chronic illness

[00:15:30] or managing

[00:15:31] the demands

[00:15:32] of young kids

[00:15:33] often feel pressure

[00:15:34] to create,

[00:15:34] quote,

[00:15:34] a perfect holiday

[00:15:36] while juggling

[00:15:37] their usual responsibilities

[00:15:38] leading to burnout.

[00:15:39] It's kind of not fair.

[00:15:41] Holidays are hard

[00:15:42] on parents.

[00:15:43] I'm not a parent myself,

[00:15:44] but I'm close enough

[00:15:45] to enough of them

[00:15:46] to know what that's like.

[00:15:47] And they want to give

[00:15:48] their kids a good Christmas.

[00:15:50] They want to give

[00:15:50] their kids a good Thanksgiving.

[00:15:52] But it's a lot

[00:15:53] when you just have

[00:15:55] holiday after holiday

[00:15:56] this time of the year

[00:15:57] and it just keeps going

[00:15:58] and it costs a lot of money

[00:15:59] and it's draining

[00:16:00] and your kids are all crazy.

[00:16:01] Yeah!

[00:16:02] You know?

[00:16:03] So it's understandable

[00:16:04] that you would be

[00:16:05] burnt out and frustrated.

[00:16:06] And if you're caring

[00:16:07] for somebody

[00:16:08] who is disabled,

[00:16:09] who has special needs,

[00:16:11] or who may be

[00:16:11] an elderly person

[00:16:12] who's that way

[00:16:13] or has dementia,

[00:16:14] that's hard.

[00:16:15] That is hard

[00:16:16] and that's frustrating.

[00:16:17] And it's okay

[00:16:18] to say you're frustrated.

[00:16:19] That's difficult.

[00:16:20] You know?

[00:16:21] You love them,

[00:16:21] but it's difficult.

[00:16:22] And so please,

[00:16:24] find help.

[00:16:25] Find a break.

[00:16:27] Give yourself a moment

[00:16:28] to take a breath

[00:16:29] and just know

[00:16:30] that it's understandable

[00:16:31] if the holidays

[00:16:31] make it more difficult

[00:16:32] at this time.

[00:16:33] When you see

[00:16:34] all these people

[00:16:35] getting together

[00:16:35] and doing things

[00:16:36] and maybe you're

[00:16:37] not able to do that

[00:16:38] or you're just

[00:16:39] not able to enjoy it.

[00:16:41] So,

[00:16:42] sometimes the best way

[00:16:44] to support you

[00:16:45] in these groups

[00:16:45] is often to just ask

[00:16:47] how you're feeling

[00:16:47] about the season

[00:16:48] and invite you

[00:16:49] to take breaks

[00:16:50] when you need to.

[00:16:51] And so,

[00:16:52] ask yourself,

[00:16:53] how am I really

[00:16:53] feeling about this?

[00:16:54] You don't have to pretend

[00:16:56] like you're happy

[00:16:57] if you're not.

[00:16:58] Now,

[00:16:58] on the same token,

[00:16:59] it's good to try

[00:17:00] to make it a joyful time.

[00:17:02] I love putting up

[00:17:03] Christmas lights

[00:17:04] and I love the ambiance

[00:17:05] of the dark days

[00:17:07] with the contrast

[00:17:08] of these glowing lights.

[00:17:10] I love Christmas music.

[00:17:11] It brings me so much peace

[00:17:13] that I'm one of those people

[00:17:14] that'll leave my Christmas tree up

[00:17:16] and leave my Christmas music

[00:17:18] playing until February.

[00:17:19] And I don't care

[00:17:20] who thinks it's crazy.

[00:17:22] I don't care.

[00:17:22] It makes me happy.

[00:17:23] I'm not hurting anybody,

[00:17:24] so I do it.

[00:17:25] So,

[00:17:26] if those little rituals

[00:17:27] help you,

[00:17:28] then do them.

[00:17:28] If you're not hurting anybody,

[00:17:29] who cares?

[00:17:30] Right?

[00:17:31] So,

[00:17:31] just keep in mind

[00:17:32] that there are things

[00:17:33] that you can do

[00:17:34] to bring some joy

[00:17:35] into the holiday,

[00:17:36] even if it is difficult.

[00:17:37] There are things

[00:17:38] you can do to cope

[00:17:39] and we're going to talk

[00:17:39] about that as well.

[00:17:41] Now,

[00:17:41] I found a meme.

[00:17:44] I found an infographic.

[00:17:45] It's from

[00:17:45] Discovering Hope

[00:17:46] Behavioral Health Solutions.

[00:17:48] It's from

[00:17:49] Discover Hope

[00:17:52] Behavioral Health Solutions.

[00:17:53] And it's just a little meme

[00:17:55] and I may share this

[00:17:56] in the group

[00:17:57] and I may even use it

[00:17:58] if I create a YouTube

[00:17:59] for this,

[00:18:00] but it just gives you

[00:18:01] some ways to say no

[00:18:03] during the holidays.

[00:18:05] There are times

[00:18:05] when it's good to say yes

[00:18:07] and there are times

[00:18:08] when it might even be good

[00:18:09] to sacrifice things

[00:18:10] that we want to do

[00:18:11] for somebody else's happiness.

[00:18:12] I get that.

[00:18:13] And that's what we're called

[00:18:15] to do as Christians.

[00:18:16] But,

[00:18:16] if you're an empty cup

[00:18:17] or an empty well,

[00:18:19] you cannot give

[00:18:20] from an empty cup

[00:18:21] or an empty well.

[00:18:21] You have to replenish.

[00:18:23] You have to set boundaries.

[00:18:24] And it's okay

[00:18:25] to say no to something

[00:18:26] if it's just going to cause harm

[00:18:27] and be toxic.

[00:18:29] So,

[00:18:29] keep that in mind.

[00:18:31] So,

[00:18:32] some things that

[00:18:34] if somebody invites you

[00:18:35] to something

[00:18:36] during the holidays,

[00:18:36] here are some responses

[00:18:37] you can have.

[00:18:38] You can adapt these,

[00:18:39] of course.

[00:18:40] One of them is,

[00:18:41] how exciting!

[00:18:41] Thank you for thinking of me.

[00:18:43] Honestly,

[00:18:43] my schedule is already so full

[00:18:45] that I'm trying to cut things out

[00:18:46] and not add anything new.

[00:18:48] I hope you have a lot of fun.

[00:18:49] And then another one.

[00:18:50] That sounds wonderful.

[00:18:51] Unfortunately,

[00:18:52] that falls on family nights

[00:18:54] so I won't be able to join you.

[00:18:55] Maybe I can come next time.

[00:18:57] Or another alternative,

[00:18:58] if you have an event

[00:18:59] that is at a different time

[00:19:01] and you're just burnt out,

[00:19:02] you could invite them

[00:19:02] to your event

[00:19:03] if that's something

[00:19:04] that is good

[00:19:06] in that situation.

[00:19:07] Another one.

[00:19:08] That sounds like

[00:19:09] so much fun,

[00:19:10] but during the holidays

[00:19:11] I'm always exhausted

[00:19:12] so I know I'll be

[00:19:13] too tired

[00:19:13] to really enjoy it.

[00:19:14] Have a great time.

[00:19:16] And there's just

[00:19:16] several like that

[00:19:17] and I think a lot

[00:19:18] of these are similar

[00:19:19] but you get the idea.

[00:19:20] There's one here.

[00:19:21] I'd love to help

[00:19:22] but I'm not sure

[00:19:23] about our family's plans

[00:19:24] right now

[00:19:25] so I'd hate to make

[00:19:26] a commitment

[00:19:26] and not follow through.

[00:19:27] I'll keep you updated

[00:19:28] if things change.

[00:19:29] So it's better

[00:19:30] to be honest up front

[00:19:31] than to make promises

[00:19:32] and then have to back out.

[00:19:34] So that's another thing.

[00:19:35] It's actually honesty.

[00:19:38] Honesty is actually better

[00:19:39] in those situations.

[00:19:40] You know,

[00:19:41] depending on the person.

[00:19:42] If it's somebody

[00:19:42] who can't deal with boundaries,

[00:19:44] you can still set

[00:19:45] a kind one by saying

[00:19:46] that's a great idea

[00:19:47] but I have a conflict

[00:19:49] or something like that.

[00:19:51] So if the holidays

[00:19:52] are difficult for you,

[00:19:53] there's another meme

[00:19:55] that is positively present.

[00:19:57] This is from a resource

[00:19:58] called Positively Present

[00:19:59] and this meme

[00:20:00] just gives you

[00:20:00] some suggestions.

[00:20:01] If the holidays

[00:20:03] are difficult,

[00:20:03] it says today is difficult

[00:20:05] but if any time

[00:20:06] during the holidays

[00:20:07] are difficult,

[00:20:08] I think you can apply these

[00:20:09] and some of them

[00:20:10] are hang up expectations

[00:20:11] for what should be.

[00:20:13] That is a humdinger.

[00:20:16] Hang up expectations

[00:20:17] for what should be

[00:20:18] and I have people

[00:20:20] in my family

[00:20:21] who will try to

[00:20:21] project their expectations

[00:20:23] onto me

[00:20:24] and then get mad at me

[00:20:26] if I don't meet

[00:20:26] their expectations.

[00:20:28] Nuh-uh.

[00:20:29] You need to make very clear

[00:20:30] what your expectations are

[00:20:31] and communicate that kindly

[00:20:33] so that there's

[00:20:34] no misunderstanding

[00:20:35] but don't have expectations

[00:20:38] for what should be.

[00:20:39] If you're sad,

[00:20:41] don't beat on yourself

[00:20:42] for being sad.

[00:20:43] You're just layering

[00:20:44] onto that.

[00:20:44] It's okay to be sad

[00:20:46] but that doesn't mean

[00:20:47] you can't also seek

[00:20:48] some joy and some peace

[00:20:50] out during the holidays too.

[00:20:51] It doesn't have to be

[00:20:52] all or none.

[00:20:53] Reach out to kind people

[00:20:55] you love.

[00:20:56] Spend time with those people

[00:20:57] as much as you can

[00:20:59] especially if you have

[00:21:00] to be around people

[00:21:01] that don't feel safe.

[00:21:03] Reach out to the people

[00:21:03] that do

[00:21:04] and make sure you spend

[00:21:05] time with them too.

[00:21:06] It helps.

[00:21:07] Shake up your old

[00:21:07] routines or traditions.

[00:21:09] So just because

[00:21:10] it's always been done

[00:21:11] that way

[00:21:12] doesn't mean it has

[00:21:13] to keep being done

[00:21:14] that way.

[00:21:14] If there are people

[00:21:16] that are rigid about those,

[00:21:17] suggest something new

[00:21:18] and if they're not

[00:21:19] open to that,

[00:21:20] then you may need

[00:21:22] to consider making

[00:21:23] plans of your own.

[00:21:24] Right?

[00:21:25] Wrap yourself

[00:21:26] in words of encouragement.

[00:21:27] So remind yourself

[00:21:29] that it's okay.

[00:21:30] I'll get through this

[00:21:31] and love yourself.

[00:21:33] Let God love you

[00:21:34] during this time.

[00:21:35] Read scriptures

[00:21:35] about God's love for you

[00:21:37] and it'll remind you.

[00:21:38] It'll soak over you.

[00:21:39] Choose an easier path

[00:21:41] to glide down today.

[00:21:42] Rejoice in the positive

[00:21:43] progress you've made.

[00:21:45] Don't forget to celebrate

[00:21:46] your successes.

[00:21:47] What progress have you

[00:21:48] made this year?

[00:21:49] What good things

[00:21:50] have happened this year?

[00:21:51] Remind yourself of those

[00:21:52] even if the holidays

[00:21:53] are difficult

[00:21:54] during that time

[00:21:55] because that can really

[00:21:56] cheer you up.

[00:21:57] Avoid anyone

[00:21:58] who leaves you

[00:21:59] feeling cold.

[00:22:00] Sit with your feelings,

[00:22:02] even the tough ones,

[00:22:03] but don't stay there.

[00:22:05] Don't wallow in it.

[00:22:06] It's one thing to say,

[00:22:07] this is sad.

[00:22:07] I feel sad.

[00:22:08] And then you can find

[00:22:10] some way to not suppress

[00:22:12] that or sweep it

[00:22:13] under the rug.

[00:22:14] Feel those feelings,

[00:22:15] but also know

[00:22:16] that there are moments

[00:22:17] of joy,

[00:22:18] even in difficult times.

[00:22:20] Add uplifting fun activities

[00:22:22] to your schedule.

[00:22:23] Are there things you love

[00:22:24] to do during the holidays?

[00:22:25] Like I said,

[00:22:25] I love my Christmas lights.

[00:22:26] I love Christmas music.

[00:22:28] Make some eggnog.

[00:22:29] Make some hot chocolate.

[00:22:31] Go to a Christmas pageant.

[00:22:34] Go ice skating.

[00:22:35] Go look at Christmas lights.

[00:22:37] Whatever it is

[00:22:38] that makes you,

[00:22:39] cheers you up.

[00:22:40] Do those things.

[00:22:41] Make sure you carve out

[00:22:42] some time for those

[00:22:43] kinds of things.

[00:22:44] Create opportunities

[00:22:45] for rest and relaxation.

[00:22:47] Make sure you set

[00:22:49] a boundary,

[00:22:49] especially if you're

[00:22:50] one of those people

[00:22:51] where the holidays

[00:22:52] demand a lot of you.

[00:22:53] Make sure you set aside

[00:22:55] a day,

[00:22:56] a couple of days,

[00:22:57] a week,

[00:22:58] whatever you can do

[00:22:59] to restore,

[00:23:01] to reconnect

[00:23:02] with yourself,

[00:23:03] to spend time

[00:23:05] with God,

[00:23:06] to clear out

[00:23:07] your mind

[00:23:08] and to rest.

[00:23:09] Okay?

[00:23:10] So,

[00:23:11] make sure you rest.

[00:23:12] Brighten up your mood

[00:23:13] with acts of kindness.

[00:23:15] Even if it's just one thing.

[00:23:16] Maybe you don't have

[00:23:17] a lot of bandwidth.

[00:23:18] There are those

[00:23:18] holiday Christmas trees

[00:23:20] where you can get

[00:23:21] something off of it

[00:23:22] and give something

[00:23:23] to somebody

[00:23:24] who's in need.

[00:23:25] Maybe there's a family

[00:23:26] around you

[00:23:26] where you can give them

[00:23:28] some money

[00:23:29] to help pay

[00:23:30] for their kids'

[00:23:30] Christmas gifts.

[00:23:31] Maybe you just

[00:23:32] buy a turkey

[00:23:33] for a family

[00:23:34] that can't afford

[00:23:34] a Thanksgiving

[00:23:35] or Christmas dinner.

[00:23:36] There's a lot of things

[00:23:37] you can do,

[00:23:37] even small things.

[00:23:39] And if you don't

[00:23:40] have money,

[00:23:41] it might just be

[00:23:41] being there for somebody

[00:23:43] or a kind word.

[00:23:44] You know?

[00:23:45] It can be a lot of things.

[00:23:47] Indulge in moments

[00:23:48] that bring cozy comfort.

[00:23:49] Reconnect with nature

[00:23:51] by venturing outside.

[00:23:52] I love the crisp air

[00:23:53] and that fog

[00:23:54] that comes out

[00:23:55] of your mouth

[00:23:56] in the wintertime

[00:23:56] and the brightness

[00:23:57] of the stars.

[00:23:58] There's just so many

[00:23:59] things about this time

[00:24:00] of the year

[00:24:00] that are just wonderful.

[00:24:02] So indulge in moments

[00:24:03] that bring cozy comfort.

[00:24:05] Shine a light

[00:24:06] on what's still working well.

[00:24:07] That's why I said

[00:24:08] review things

[00:24:08] that you do have

[00:24:09] to be grateful for.

[00:24:10] Not pretending

[00:24:12] like the difficult ones

[00:24:13] are not there,

[00:24:14] but just in spite of that,

[00:24:16] there's always something

[00:24:17] to be grateful for.

[00:24:18] Always.

[00:24:18] What do you have

[00:24:19] to be grateful for

[00:24:20] that you can genuinely

[00:24:21] thank God for right now?

[00:24:24] Reflect on sweet memories

[00:24:25] from your past.

[00:24:26] Are there people

[00:24:27] that have gone on

[00:24:28] that were kind to you?

[00:24:29] Remember them

[00:24:30] and honor them.

[00:24:31] My grandparents,

[00:24:32] God rest them,

[00:24:33] I love them

[00:24:34] and I had such a good

[00:24:35] relationship with my

[00:24:36] grandparents.

[00:24:36] I always remember them

[00:24:38] and I'm always thankful

[00:24:39] for the love

[00:24:40] that they brought to me.

[00:24:41] I'll always have that

[00:24:42] and it'll always be with me

[00:24:43] and nobody can take

[00:24:44] that away from me.

[00:24:45] Who is that for you?

[00:24:46] Who is that for you?

[00:24:48] Allow yourself to feel

[00:24:49] however you feel.

[00:24:50] I think that's kind of

[00:24:51] connected to

[00:24:52] sit with your feelings,

[00:24:53] but like I said,

[00:24:55] that doesn't mean

[00:24:55] you wallow in them,

[00:24:56] but you let yourself

[00:24:57] feel what you're feeling

[00:24:58] and you don't give yourself

[00:24:59] a hard time about that.

[00:25:00] You are where you are

[00:25:01] and that's the first step

[00:25:04] to moving into a situation

[00:25:05] where you can deal

[00:25:06] with something constructively

[00:25:07] is being honest about it.

[00:25:10] So if you're going

[00:25:11] through things,

[00:25:12] just know that

[00:25:13] there are a lot of resources

[00:25:15] out there besides me.

[00:25:16] There is a resource

[00:25:18] called Positively Present Again

[00:25:20] and I think this is

[00:25:21] from something called

[00:25:23] Crazy Head Comics.

[00:25:24] That's a great name.

[00:25:26] Crazy Head Comics

[00:25:27] and this is Positively Present

[00:25:29] and sending love to

[00:25:31] if you can reconnect

[00:25:32] and connect with people

[00:25:34] who might be going

[00:25:34] through similar experiences,

[00:25:36] that can also be helpful

[00:25:37] and some of those

[00:25:38] might be the people

[00:25:39] battling mental illness

[00:25:41] during the holidays.

[00:25:42] Reach out to somebody

[00:25:43] that you know

[00:25:44] might be going through

[00:25:44] something like this

[00:25:45] and just be like,

[00:25:46] hey, I just want to check in

[00:25:47] and see how are you doing?

[00:25:49] How are you doing?

[00:25:50] Would you like to get together

[00:25:51] for coffee?

[00:25:52] Or, you know,

[00:25:52] my house is a mess.

[00:25:53] I'm tired.

[00:25:54] I can't plan anything formal

[00:25:56] but if you'd like to come over

[00:25:57] and just watch a movie

[00:25:58] and hang out and talk

[00:25:59] and play games,

[00:26:00] I'm game.

[00:26:01] Just something like that.

[00:26:03] The people that feel lonely

[00:26:04] during the holidays

[00:26:05] do the same thing for them.

[00:26:06] Something like that.

[00:26:07] The people who are caregivers

[00:26:09] to someone who's ill.

[00:26:10] You might say,

[00:26:11] is there anything I can do

[00:26:13] to maybe look in on

[00:26:14] your loved one for the evening

[00:26:15] and you can go out?

[00:26:16] Or maybe I can just come over

[00:26:18] and we can have a pizza

[00:26:19] and hang out

[00:26:19] and you can just enjoy

[00:26:21] each other's company.

[00:26:22] That in itself can be helpful.

[00:26:25] The people who struggle

[00:26:26] to afford a holiday celebration.

[00:26:27] Like I said,

[00:26:28] if there's something you can do

[00:26:29] to invite them to yours

[00:26:31] or to help them

[00:26:33] to be able to do something

[00:26:34] like that for their family.

[00:26:36] The people who are grieving

[00:26:37] a loss during the holidays.

[00:26:39] One thing,

[00:26:41] people will say,

[00:26:42] well, I don't know

[00:26:42] if I should talk about that person

[00:26:44] because I don't want to remind them

[00:26:46] that they're gone.

[00:26:47] They know they're gone.

[00:26:48] There's no way

[00:26:49] that pretending like it didn't happen

[00:26:52] is going to help that person.

[00:26:53] You just need to be there for them

[00:26:55] and just let them talk

[00:26:57] about that person.

[00:26:57] And that's okay.

[00:26:59] You know,

[00:27:00] the people who are spending

[00:27:01] the holidays

[00:27:02] with people who aren't supportive,

[00:27:03] if you know other people like that,

[00:27:05] you could get together

[00:27:06] and have your own little day.

[00:27:07] Even if it's on a day

[00:27:08] other than the day

[00:27:09] you're obligated

[00:27:11] to go to certain places

[00:27:12] maybe you don't really want to go to.

[00:27:13] Or you do it as a substitute for that

[00:27:16] depending on the situation.

[00:27:18] You have to pray about this

[00:27:19] and talk to God about it

[00:27:21] and decide that

[00:27:23] between you and God

[00:27:24] whether or not

[00:27:25] how much you can deal with.

[00:27:27] Because I understand

[00:27:28] that sometimes

[00:27:29] Christmas is about sacrifice

[00:27:31] but how much can you sacrifice?

[00:27:34] That's the question.

[00:27:35] Okay?

[00:27:36] So keep in mind

[00:27:36] that there's not a right or wrong

[00:27:38] all or none answer here.

[00:27:39] If it's an extremely hostile,

[00:27:41] toxic, abusive situation,

[00:27:42] then no, you can't go.

[00:27:43] But if it's one of those gray areas,

[00:27:45] I do understand

[00:27:46] how that's complicated

[00:27:47] and in some ways

[00:27:48] more difficult

[00:27:49] than if it's just somebody

[00:27:50] you know you can't be around

[00:27:52] and that's the end of it.

[00:27:53] Those are really difficult

[00:27:54] when you are in those gray areas

[00:27:56] where you know somebody loves you

[00:27:58] but they're still toxic.

[00:28:00] That's difficult.

[00:28:01] That's difficult.

[00:28:02] I know.

[00:28:03] I know.

[00:28:04] So if the holidays are hard,

[00:28:06] some things you can do for yourself

[00:28:07] are to take time for yourself.

[00:28:09] Yes, you can say no.

[00:28:11] Read a great book.

[00:28:13] Get Cozy by Candlelight.

[00:28:15] Watch a funny film.

[00:28:16] I love Christmas movies

[00:28:18] and I love cheesy Christmas movies.

[00:28:21] My husband and I like to watch

[00:28:23] those Hallmark romances

[00:28:24] and I have people roll their eyes at me

[00:28:27] because they're like,

[00:28:27] how can you watch them?

[00:28:28] They're stupid.

[00:28:29] They're all the same.

[00:28:30] And I'm like,

[00:28:30] that's why I like them.

[00:28:31] I know they're going to have a happy ending

[00:28:33] and I love my intense,

[00:28:36] dramatic television shows

[00:28:38] but sometimes you just need

[00:28:39] that predictability

[00:28:41] and that reassurance.

[00:28:42] So watch the old Christmas movies

[00:28:44] that make you warm

[00:28:45] like It's a Wonderful Life

[00:28:46] and what's the one with,

[00:28:48] I forgot,

[00:28:49] the one that they sing White Christmas.

[00:28:52] It's White Christmas.

[00:28:53] Those movies.

[00:28:53] Remember the new year.

[00:28:56] Listen to a happy song.

[00:28:58] Send a letter to someone you love

[00:29:00] or someone in need.

[00:29:02] Write about how you feel.

[00:29:04] Seek inspiration.

[00:29:06] Listen to inspirational videos

[00:29:07] and talks

[00:29:08] and things that can uplift you.

[00:29:10] Take a nap.

[00:29:11] Text an old friend.

[00:29:13] Go outside and play.

[00:29:14] If there's snow outside

[00:29:15] and you're privileged

[00:29:16] to live in a place like that,

[00:29:17] go make some snow angels.

[00:29:18] Who cares what anybody thinks?

[00:29:19] Be a child again.

[00:29:21] Play.

[00:29:22] Enjoy yourself.

[00:29:22] It can be so freeing

[00:29:24] to do things like that

[00:29:25] and even God said,

[00:29:27] I will come to,

[00:29:28] you need to come to me

[00:29:29] as little children

[00:29:29] and I think there's a difference

[00:29:31] between being childlike

[00:29:32] and being childish.

[00:29:33] A lot of the narcissists

[00:29:35] in our life are childish

[00:29:36] but if you enjoy

[00:29:39] some of these activities,

[00:29:40] maybe you get an old toy out

[00:29:42] that you used to play with

[00:29:43] and play with your hungry hippos

[00:29:45] or play with your spirograph

[00:29:46] or tinker toys.

[00:29:47] I color.

[00:29:48] Coloring is therapy for me.

[00:29:50] So do what makes you happy

[00:29:52] as long as you're not hurting anybody.

[00:29:54] As long as you're not dishonoring God.

[00:29:56] Then go for it.

[00:29:57] There's nothing wrong

[00:29:58] with doing the things

[00:29:59] that make you happy.

[00:30:00] Pulling out those old memories

[00:30:02] and those old games

[00:30:03] that you used to play

[00:30:04] when you were a kid

[00:30:04] and doing those again.

[00:30:07] If that wraps you up

[00:30:09] in that warmth

[00:30:09] and that love

[00:30:10] that you may have never had

[00:30:12] or that you remember

[00:30:13] and you don't have anymore

[00:30:14] at the holidays,

[00:30:15] then just wrap yourself up

[00:30:17] in all of that stuff.

[00:30:18] It's okay.

[00:30:19] And then see what you can do

[00:30:21] to help do that

[00:30:22] for somebody else.

[00:30:24] So I just wanted to go ahead

[00:30:27] and do the holiday special

[00:30:29] for this one.

[00:30:30] This is the holiday episode

[00:30:31] for both YouTube

[00:30:32] and for the podcast.

[00:30:35] And this is a crossover.

[00:30:36] This is episode 17

[00:30:38] if you're listening

[00:30:39] to the podcast.

[00:30:40] And this is episode 17,

[00:30:42] season 4.

[00:30:43] This has been

[00:30:43] Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:30:45] Please know you're not alone.

[00:30:46] If you need to speak

[00:30:48] with people in the group,

[00:30:51] go to the group and join

[00:30:52] and we can talk about it

[00:30:53] and just give each other support

[00:30:55] during the holiday season.

[00:30:56] You're not alone.

[00:30:57] And there's a lot of other

[00:30:58] great resources out there too.

[00:31:00] Thank you so much for listening

[00:31:01] and remember, beloveds,

[00:31:02] you are fearfully

[00:31:04] and wonderfully made

[00:31:05] and God loves you.

[00:31:09] Thank you so much

[00:31:10] for tuning in

[00:31:11] to this week's episode

[00:31:12] of Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:31:14] hosted by Rachel Leroy

[00:31:16] For links to this week's resources

[00:31:19] and to join the discussion,

[00:31:21] check out this episode's show notes

[00:31:23] at ChristianEmotionalRecovery.com

[00:31:26] where you can also find links

[00:31:28] to our YouTube channel

[00:31:29] and Facebook group.

[00:31:30] Join our email list

[00:31:31] and get other episodes

[00:31:33] and resources.

[00:31:34] If you enjoyed the podcast,

[00:31:37] please rate and review the podcast

[00:31:39] and tell a friend

[00:31:40] who may benefit

[00:31:40] from this message.

[00:31:42] See you next time.

[00:31:43] And remember, beloveds,

[00:31:45] God loves you

[00:31:46] and you are fearfully

[00:31:48] and wonderfully made.