Episode 17 Season 3: Don't Make Trauma Your Whole Identity

[00:00:00] Hello beloveds and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse. This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor. Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere.

[00:00:28] We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us stuck. This podcast is where faith meets science. Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked.

[00:00:49] She'll show you how to do the same. Each week we'll cover a topic that will show you how to heal trauma for good. Please check out our website and show notes at Christianemotionalrecovery.com Enjoy the Facebook community, Trauma Survivors Unite, Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:01:09] Hello everyone and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery This is Season 3 Episode 17 and I'm your host Rachel Leroy And this episode will probably be our second to last episode of the season

[00:01:32] So hopefully the next episode will be something about the holidays, about sitting boundaries, about being happy and healthy during the holidays, about being kind to others But about taking care of yourself at the same time.

[00:01:45] So we'll see how the rest of the season goes but that's the plan right now And this is Episode 17 and this episode is don't make trauma your whole identity. Don't make trauma your whole identity.

[00:01:59] Now on this podcast we talk a lot about not using toxic positivity, about not bypassing and dissociating and denying trauma and denying things that happen that are painful And that is a very important part of the process.

[00:02:17] But what I do when I come up with podcast episodes is I think of experiences that I've struggled with And that I've dealt with and where I've gotten out of balance. In one area where I've struggled is that I have unintentionally at times made trauma my whole identity

[00:02:34] Now I'm going to make some disclaimers here in a little bit, but I don't want to get into all that nail to create some balance Everything that I teach on this podcast I try to teach with balance. So we'll talk about that in just a little bit

[00:02:47] But I wanted to first remind you if you haven't please subscribe to the YouTube channel I have a YouTube channel. I'm hoping to put some more videos out soon. I haven't in a few weeks because I've been very busy with work looking for a job and

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[00:04:55] Like I said, I would like to eventually create a platform where there's free resources that will always be free and they are now And also some paid resources so that hopefully I can spend more time doing this and dedicate my whole life to it

[00:05:09] And I feel like God has called me to do that So I really look forward to being able to do that increasingly for you So let's go ahead and jump right into the podcast episode And I am doing something a little different today

[00:05:22] Sometimes I plan my podcast episodes and I do that more often with a loose outline And then I'll elaborate on each point And then other times I will just speak from my heart as I feel God is leading me to

[00:05:36] But this time I'm doing sort of a combination because I have sources And I'm going to read from some of those sources but I don't have an outline I'm just speaking from my heart but I'm also going to use the sources So we'll see how this goes

[00:05:47] It's sort of a crossover between those two formats So bear with me I'm experimenting with something a little bit different But let's go ahead and jump right into season three episode 17 Don't make trauma your whole identity So I want to create some disclaimers here

[00:06:04] Like I was talking about a minute ago So I want to make a note that This is where I said I wanted to put some balance in the podcast episode And to give some context here Is a trauma survival channel I emphasize compassion over

[00:06:21] Oh you whiny victim get over yourself and all of that kind of mentality We don't do that here However we do emphasize personal responsibility And that does not mean blame That does not mean that anything is your fault

[00:06:37] It just means that sometimes we can get caught in victim mentality Even when they're not our fault And even if we are victims in a way That's why I use the word survivor instead of victim It's much stronger

[00:06:51] It shows that there is hope and that there is recovery And that there is healing on the other side And that your entire identity is not wrapped around trauma And at first it can be But I emphasize the fact that it isn't

[00:07:05] And it doesn't have to be because you can come out of it And you can heal Because of all the things that I'm teaching And teachers like me are teaching And other trauma informed teachers And psychologists and pastors and ministers And rabbis and priests and coaches

[00:07:20] And lay persons just all kinds of people that are out They are trying to do what is right And help people heal And to do it in a way that is compassionate There is a balance So I want to differentiate here

[00:07:34] Between obsessive thoughts that can come from trauma It's self That are not your fault That are programmed into you against your will That you have to work through And be kind and patient with yourself over come And then when you're going through it

[00:07:49] You need to have some resilience And some patience with yourself The end too Compared to taking on the concept of trauma As our identity when we can choose not to In other words There's some obsessive obsession that goes on And re-manating that we can't help

[00:08:07] And if we fight it, we actually make it worse That's why I do these back door approaches For example with the acorn technique Where you understand and you talk to and you listen to And you feel and you ask questions to your trauma Into your emotions Difficult emotions

[00:08:25] Because trying to quote I'm using air quotes Get rid of those emotions That doesn't work Trying not to think about something If somebody says don't think about a white polar bear What's going to pop into your mind? A white polar bear Human nature is just so weird

[00:08:41] But you know what This whole process Is about healing And it's about balance And it's about perspective And it's about knowing that this whole process Of healing Maybe your responsibility But the fact that you had to heal To begin with is not your fault So For example

[00:09:03] I have gotten caught up in this whole process Of my trauma Is my identity Both before I knew what trauma was And I used that word I would get in these anger spirals Where I would journal And the journaling would become self-destructive

[00:09:18] And all I would do was reiterate How unfair life was How I had gotten a crap deal And how this person ever here life had been so much better Than for them And life had been so much easier for them And it wasn't fair

[00:09:31] And I was angry at so and so And I don't know how I could ever Forgive them And life is just unjust and unfair I'll be honest with you I still struggle with that I still struggle with that And my relationship with God Say her I said it

[00:09:44] And I know that a lot of Christians will be like Oh my gosh, you can't say that I do I struggle with it And I'll just be completely honest about it Because I want you to know that you're human And if you experience that That is normal

[00:09:58] If you have experienced a lot of hard trauma in your life Because it makes you wonder where was God Dearing all of this And you wonder What's God's role in all this Why did he allow this Then I do have some podcast episodes That address that

[00:10:11] I'm not here to open that whole can of worms But I do want you to know That if you think and feel that That's a normal trauma response too And there's nothing wrong with you If you think that Job did it Lamentations

[00:10:23] What is the whole book of limitations about You don't think that it's You think it's bad to question And to get angry and to be like God what the heck What is going on here Why are you allowing this? What is happening? This is unfair David did that

[00:10:38] I mean it's all over the Bible So read it In the letter It heal you The thing is is you don't want to get caught in that spiral That I was talking about Where you can't get out Because that's where you start reiterating your trauma

[00:10:52] And actually making it worse And I've also included some YouTube videos on how you can Retraumatize yourself and pitfalls That can slow down your healing So if you want to go back and check out Those that will also be something That can help you to

[00:11:06] That relates to this thing as well But I wanted to share my personal experience Because I have gotten caught up And identifying with my trauma To the point that it's become a whole identity At times And that's all I could think about

[00:11:19] And that's all I could talk about Now I do hear Sometimes people say If you talk about your problems on Facebook Or your trauma on Facebook Shut up Nobody wants to hear all that stuff And I found that those kind of comments Are usually made by people

[00:11:34] That tend to have high narcissistic traits And or people that tend to treat people that way A lot of the times it is Other times it might just be a bit of a problem Other times it might just be people that come from families

[00:11:44] Where it's like we don't talk about that stuff In public But if we shame people and we shut them down And we make them feel bad Because they're sharing their stories online Then we're actually making re-iterating the trauma for some people

[00:11:57] So if somebody wants to share their experiences What's it to you? You know, just let them be Just scroll past it You don't have to read it And I'm probably preaching to the choir here Because most of you understand that I'm not talking about now

[00:12:10] F-sing people post very personal stuff on Facebook Like my husband cheated on me Or my wife on cheated on me Or just something very, very inappropriate to put on Facebook I'm not talking about Like sharing over share kind of stuff I'm talking about sharing your emotional struggles

[00:12:32] In a general sense Or what you've been through and what you're doing the heal Or if you struggle with mental health Conditions like depression or anxiety And you share your story Some people feel comfortable doing that And some people don't But if you don't and somebody else does

[00:12:48] Maybe that's how they help other people Maybe that's how they heal Maybe that's the only people they have in their life To reach out to is on social media Because they have no support system That's why I don't judge people When they do that

[00:13:01] I tend to be the kind of person that shares my experiences Obviously, in a lot of people are not And maybe that's also how they heal Maybe they tend to go internal more But the point is Is that you can share your experiences

[00:13:16] You can say this happened to me And you can You can Work on your trauma healing But it's very easy to get caught up in the unfairness of it It's easy to get caught up in Remination where you start obsessing over this happened to me

[00:13:32] This happened to me, this happened to me Versus what I'm talking about with the obsessive thinking It's more like an intrusive thought And it's more like the actual moment of trauma itself Replace in some way That's different Than where you look at your overall trauma

[00:13:48] And it becomes your identity Or you over identify with it Now I wanted to read the Definition of over identification Just so you understand it And the term is usually used Identify with another person or with an animal Or something like that

[00:14:04] But I think you can over identify with concepts as well Even if they are true for you And even if they have been your experience Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made And that God loves you And you were a perfect wholesome being

[00:14:16] When you were created and when you were born Your identity is separate Remember we've talked about internal family systems You've got a self That is free from all of that The trauma that happened to you The abuse that happened to you The traumatic event that happened to you

[00:14:32] The neglect that happened to you Whatever the case may be That is not who you are Your identity is that course Self that can never be Compromise that can never be Corrupted that can never be changed And that is the part of you

[00:14:48] That is fearfully and wonderfully made That is the course soul That is always at peace That is always healing Look at things objectively And then those other things have been put on you But that is not you That is not your identity If that makes sense

[00:15:06] We can lose touch with ourselves We can lose touch with our identity But that is not We are cut off from that part of ourselves But that is not We don't have our identity anymore It is not that we aren't An identity anymore We are separated from it

[00:15:24] We start healing you start fusing that fragmentation And it starts coming together And you start becoming whole And I love The metaphor I forgot what the word is But there is a practice in Japanese culture Where Broken objects Like ceramics Let's say a tea cup

[00:15:46] Let's say somebody breaks a tea cup Into a few pieces There is a A clue To put the tea cup Back together And it shows the cracks And the fragments Where the tea cup was broken But it is put together It is whole again

[00:16:08] And it is even more beautiful Because of what happened to it I am not saying your trauma is beautiful I am never going to say that on this channel It sucks But I am saying that because it happened You are not going to be able to understand

[00:16:22] And you are understanding Of other people in how it can help you To take all that and make you a deeper More wholesome, more feeling More compassionate person That is the kind of person God wants us to be To be able to relate to and connect

[00:16:38] Others on a deeper level So I wanted to talk a little bit about How you can rewrite your identity There is a few articles here That I am using is resources And this is from Michigan State University Extension And the power of rewriting your identity

[00:16:56] It is by Tracy Abram Tracy Abram The concept of rewriting your identity It says in order to rebuild One must embrace the darkness The darkness including the things that happened To us Joseph He is an expert that the article talks about earlier on Joseph explains

[00:17:16] That you can't erase something that already exists in a mental image In the mind You can only add new possibilities The solution is not to run from it But to turn and face it Like I said, you cannot not think about a white polar bear

[00:17:30] The only way it says to be free Is to include it as part of your identity Keyword Part Not All And it says you don't have to love it You just have to stop finding it Because what you resist persists I hate that

[00:17:44] But that was what I was talking about a second ago The chapter introduces a number of steps Designed to help you build your new identity Is referring to a book written by Joseph The book is called The act Resilient Method from trauma to transformation The act

[00:18:04] Resilient Method from trauma to transformation So that's the book that this article is referring to And it says the chapter introduces a number of steps Designed to help you build your new identity First, acknowledge that a wound to the core has occurred The core self When

[00:18:19] The second step is to practice for giving yourself And or the other person Spend time journaling or writing Lastly, start using your imagination as a source of power Writing and journaling Those pretty or positive things you notice could be your first step

[00:18:36] Challenge yourself to find a certain number each day and then increase the goal daily And then it says playfully and deliberately seeing yourself as someone you are not Is healing That sounds counterintuitive but it actually makes sense

[00:18:49] Because it gets those gears grinding in that part of your brain And it also gives you a chance to look at things differently It breaks you out of that mode of being stuck in your trauma Okay? It says Joseph writes that the process of discovery happens naturally

[00:19:03] Naturally through the freedom that comes from improvisation Through improvisation you loosen your idea of who you think you are Playing other characters stimulates the mind So you might trust in role playing games This is me or you might play a video game Or you know watching healthy healing

[00:19:21] Television shows and movies Being in a play Writing stories Those are all healing in a visceral way Especially when they're related to things that happened with trauma Then it says through improvisation you loosen your idea of who you think you are Playing other characters stimulates the mind

[00:19:38] By playing characters different than you you flex your identity muscles You realize you can play a role even fully And then drop it whenever the scene is over This quote being who you are not creates more quote identity flexibility

[00:19:53] And seems to facilitate the reintegration of the core psyche And then it says I recommend reading the book that act Resilient method from trauma to transformation And then it talks about community theatre, journaling And other ways to help with this is mindfulness training, anger management

[00:20:15] And things like that It talks about some specific resources But you can read that if you want I'll include the article in the show notes as always And so a little bit about that Rewriting your own identity

[00:20:32] That's kind of what you're doing when you do in this whole healing process You're reprogramming your mind That's literally what the process is And so when your struggle has become your identity How do you rediscover yourself? That's a good question

[00:20:46] And the first article talks about that a little bit And I have another article here by Danica J It's in Tiny Buddha This one is more about mental health It's not directly Buddhist per se But it's more about mental health

[00:20:59] And there's a lot of good articles on this site But it says when you struggle When your struggle has become your identity How to rediscover yourself And this article talks about the authors experience Of dissociating And then going to see a therapist and realizing

[00:21:17] That they had a lot more trauma They tried to underplay the experiences they had as a child And realized that they had been pushing them away And so she says I was flying high for a while

[00:21:29] As I attempted to recover with every type of self-help trick out there Sounds familiar right? And then she says but then came the fog Somewhere in the mix I began to break down As I realized the true impact Of what my therapist had told me My entire identity

[00:21:44] Up until that point in my life had been formed around that trauma I didn't know who I was without it And so she starts asking all these questions What do I like to do in my free time? What do I like eating? What's my favorite color?

[00:21:57] What do I do in my funny? In my serious? And so there's just all these questions And I think that how people dissociate From their identities can vary from person to person Because for me I have strong self-enology And I know all those questions about myself

[00:22:13] But there are people who don't For me I was more disconnected from my body Than my mind I could answer all those other questions How am I feeling? How does this impact me? Those are the things that I couldn't answer

[00:22:27] So think about what part of you might be disconnected From in terms of your identity And then she says I wish I could speak to you From a top amount in a wisdom that I can't I'm still in the process of figuring it all out

[00:22:39] But there are a few things that have helped me Remain strong and encouraged through the entire process So these are ways as per the article When your struggle has become your identity How to rediscover yourself She gives you a list of them And talks about each one

[00:22:55] I won't go through all the details of them But she says one of them is to release the struggle I'll read all of this one Because I think this one needs a little context She says this one of course is easier said than done Right?

[00:23:08] But it is one of the most important parts of making peace With your past and untangling your trauma Your identity and narrative that was forced upon me Was one of defeat and self-hate I stuck to the narrative because that's all I need

[00:23:22] When you're a child you have nothing else So you have to learn something new And that's where all this healing work and reprogramming comes in She says I'm not as well as an introduced Introduce myself as the girl whose parents don't love her

[00:23:34] And the girl who has failed to secure any meaningful Intimate relationships Realize as I did that the narrative is not yours It is not yours You see how I'm talking about separating your core identity And your core psyche from the trauma that happened to you

[00:23:50] Even if you don't know who that core person is You need to separate it and that can be so scary But you can get to know him or her And you can ask them who they are And you can start to separate that and build that identity

[00:24:03] That is separate from that trauma So she says realize as I did that the narrative is not yours It is not your name it is not what you have to answer to There's more to you so much more How are you going to start introducing yourself

[00:24:20] And then she says start from a place you know Her example Think about things or places that you like as a child Maybe it's the first time you laughed at something Maybe it's a place that you love to go when you felt safe

[00:24:36] Maybe it's something that you know you love to do Or something that means something to you Or a relationship that was good in your life And so those are some of the suggestions or similar suggestions She gives and then she says start from a place you don't know

[00:24:50] She says it seems contradictory after the last advice Right, but in a way not knowing who you are Can give rise to the most unexpected blessings A lot of people have defined themselves by their trauma

[00:25:03] So separating yourself from that gives you a chance to not do that anymore You have a blank canvas you can start over As a chance of creating a version of you that feels right And then it says remember what you have gained This is what's important here

[00:25:18] I'm not talking about pot faults or toxic positivity But being positive is not always toxic or false That's not true, okay? But it says you know doing it in a way that's authentic Is what's important Remember what you have gained as we begin this process of self-discovery

[00:25:38] It can be very easy to get hung up on how wrong everything is or was That's where identifying with trauma And choosing to look at it another way Without toxicly bypassing what happened can be helpful She says despite making significant gains

[00:25:53] And if you're reading this you probably already have You might find yourself focusing what is still wrong Or even what happened to you in the past this wrong That's what I've had to work on Take some time out of your day to remember how far you've come

[00:26:08] Are you less anxious today than you were yesterday or maybe this year than last year? Score. Did you discover any interest but hadn't worked up the courage to try it yet That's still progress. The scoreboard is on your side because we are counting wins

[00:26:22] Not losses in this game and then it says half patients Patients is difficult for people who are trauma survivors But as you work on controlling those animal Sort of lizard brain fighter flight responses You learn to calm that nervous center down and you're able to have more visceral

[00:26:41] Physical literal patients And if you're still not there yet give yourself some grace Do you realize that when you give yourself grace on that knowing that you're doing the best you can And you're working on it that God is also giving you grace

[00:26:55] And do you also realize that that in itself is some form of patients There's more than one way to be patient. You're being patient with yourself If you show self compassion if you show somebody else a reasonable level of

[00:27:08] Lineancy and understanding I'm not talking about letting people run over or abuse you But showing leniency and understanding with people's human flaws That is patients So you do have more patients than you think

[00:27:23] So start from there and then work towards some of those more physical reactions that you have in the body So discovering your new identity will take time and see us You can take months or years But it will pay off And then take a break

[00:27:39] Don't do it all the time That's another thing about making trauma your identity I know I talk about regular practice It's so important I also say take a break. Take a couple of weeks where you don't do any of this stuff

[00:27:52] Or maybe you just do very basic maintenance because some people need to do something And don't need to stop but then maybe you're doing it more hardcore at other times It's draining This work is so draining So taking a break is another way that you can

[00:28:08] Not let yourself get immersed in this whole identity of trauma thing Okay So there's another article that talks about this is a scientific article And it's pretty long and there are so many resources in it I'm not going to read it

[00:28:25] But it's the National Center for Biotechnology Information National Library of Medicine And this is the European Journal of Psycho Traumatology And it's from 2020 and it's written by Rufael Linnaeus Brandon A. Turpo and Margaret C. McKinnon

[00:28:45] Okay, so it's basically an article that talks about the sense of the self The sense of self in the aftermath of trauma Lessons from the default network and the post-traumatic stress disorder So I'm just going to give you a very quick summary of this to show you that

[00:29:02] This whole concept of identity being who's served And overridden by traumatic events is scientifically proven Okay, so when you have struggles with your identity I'm telling you to give yourself a break Because if there are scientific evidence Strong overwhelming lots of studies that back this up

[00:29:24] Then you are not I'm not saying that you can't do anything about your trauma And you should just be a victim Obviously that's not what I'm saying here But know that if you're struggling with your identity

[00:29:37] That's not your fault if you've had a lot of trauma in your life Any kind of trauma that's consistent or extremely impactful It basically talks about your default mode network And it's basically the default mode network is a part of the central part of your brain

[00:29:56] That has to do with self-related thoughts and experiences Represented neurologically, okay? So it's basically your self identity How you feel your thoughts of yourself Relating experiences of your past and relating those to your identity And basically people who have lots of trauma

[00:30:17] Their sense of self can be damaged by that and disconnected And people can feel dissociated and can feel numb And because of that dissociation and numbness A lot of times people will do dangerous things And dumb things to try to feel those gaps in

[00:30:36] And try to feel something because a lot of times I don't feel real I don't know who I am I can't feel my own body I don't feel like everything I feel like I'm in this sort of hazer this fog And it's not necessarily a pleasant feeling

[00:30:54] It's more like an empty feeling Almost this feeling of numb futility And believe me, I felt that And sometimes that can be more torture than crying And feeling emotional pain because when you feel emotional pain At least you feel something

[00:31:08] And then sometimes you may even be like me Where you try to get yourself to cry Just to feel something And other people will do it in even more destructive ways Where they'll like us, they'll do stupid and reckless things That's where a lot of addiction comes from

[00:31:21] Because it makes people feel something Some people will self medicate in ways that are unhealthy Like drinking alcohol Some people will That emotional emptiness becomes Maybe anorexia or bulimia Some people will purge because it makes them feel something Or the eating and then purging makes them feel something

[00:31:45] And then some people, one of the common things that people do Is that like I said, it's rooted in addiction Because they want to feel something And drugs do make you feel something You get a high, you feel better for a little while

[00:31:58] But the problem with that is that at the end of the day It leaves you more numb and more dissociated than you were before Because it's not contacting and healing the root cause Of that neurobiological disconnection When you start working with your identity itself

[00:32:15] When you start making connections between your core identity And healing when you start doing that Reprogramming in your mind That and getting into the body And doing the healing of the trauma in the body You're making psychosomatic connections in your brain

[00:32:34] So that you can allow your default mode network to kick back in And to reconnect to those other parts of yourself You're starting to feel more connected to yourself You're starting to feel more alive in a more natural sense In a more balanced sense

[00:32:48] You don't get those highs and lows It's much, you feel stable, you feel good, you feel okay It's almost like the slow steady flame Instead of this like explosion And it's healthy because it's sustainable over time And you're still gonna feel numb at times

[00:33:03] And there's gonna be highs and lows But that's reconnecting there Will help you to reintegrate your default mode network But if you want to read the scientific The science behind it, this article is pretty dance But a lot of the languages actually pretty understandable

[00:33:20] If you can get through all of the source references They're just littered all the way through it And I will put that in the show notes It's called the sense of self in the aftermath of trauma Lessons from the default mode network in post-traumatic stress disorder

[00:33:34] And the default mode network is the part of your brain That is identity basically To put it in simple terms It's the part of your brain that is identity So, how does trauma impact identity? What is the connection here?

[00:33:53] There is like I said, you saw how trauma can impact your brain And that brain, the part of your brain that impacts identity Is directly connected to other parts of your brain And a lot of those connections are severed Or I would say in most cases not severed

[00:34:09] But more disconnected they've shown brain scans There's pictures of them in that article I just showed you where things aren't working like they're supposed to They're not firing and connecting like they're supposed to But when you start doing this work

[00:34:21] The beauty of the brain is that a lot of it can be healed And you start reconnecting those neural connections Between those parts of the brain So that your identity is integrated So you do feel like your whole and complete And yourself in your body again

[00:34:38] So there's another article here In safe harbor It's a place called safe harbor Christian organization that does a lot of advocacy And it's a trauma informed group So this is a great place You may want to check out their whole website It's called safe harbor

[00:34:57] But this article trauma and identity Who am I? Is written by Bethany Fisher And the article talks about the link between trauma and identity And some of the things that can Some of the lesser non-affexive trauma That people don't talk about as much or identity loss

[00:35:14] It says identity alteration Trauma centered identity identity Affirmation identity replacement and much more And then it talks about how when you have a lot of trauma You go into survival mode And because you go into survival mode You take especially when you're a child

[00:35:37] All of those inner resources that normally would go towards your development As a child or even as an adult Towards continuing your development A lot of that gets displaced And goes to survival Because you're just trying to keep yourself safe And make yourself feel safe

[00:35:54] And when you do that identity gets disrupted Is what it says here So let me read this part of the article It says psychiatrists grant brainer says that identity gets disrupted Because basic survival takes precedence over And uses resources ordinarily Allicated for normal development of the self

[00:36:15] So our sense of self is mostly developed when we are children We expand on that foundation as we get older And when we experience trauma, we slow down this development This is especially true of children experiencing repeated trauma Time normally spent on learning about yourself

[00:36:33] It's spent on dealing with these painful experiences Adults too, again that sucks It's not fair And then that's how it can be so easy for it to become your identity But it says once you are away from the trauma It may be too painful to look inside yourself

[00:36:48] Due to toxic shame Great! Even more wonderful, right? You get to feel shame that you never did anything to cause But it says it is human nature to avoid painful things Sacrificing your sense of self for survival can be a consequence of caring trauma

[00:37:03] And then that causes what is called disassociation And it's a mental process that causes a separation of one Stoctmemory and identity See? That's where that is happening in the brain That's where you're fragmented That's where you're core self, your identity

[00:37:19] Is separated from your thoughts, your feelings, your memories And all those other things And so, some of the side effects of that Are feeling like you're missing part of yourself Not recognizing yourself Being unable to remember yourself as a child And having parts, quote, of yourself

[00:37:36] That don't seem related to each other For agmentation That's where your identity is split That doesn't mean that most of the time you have multiple personalities But you do have different parts Kind of like what they talk about in internal family systems

[00:37:51] So then one of the dangers of disassociation Due to the trauma is when self-care is forfeited to detachment In other words, self-care is impaired And when learns to live apart from oneself as a matter of habit

[00:38:04] Without a sense of self it can be difficult to find the motivation to care for yourself And a sense of self is identity That's identity Okay? So trauma equals identity That's what can happen next And then in the article it says

[00:38:18] I mentioned earlier that the journal of adolescence Identifies trauma-centered identity as an impact of trauma On this sense of self People often find traumatic experiences To be defining moments in their lives Understandably This can be positive when at least Depersonal growth or societal change

[00:38:35] However trauma-centered identity has the potential to be very harmful So it's how it's approached That makes it healthy or unhealthy You cannot change what happened to you But you can work on how you approach it Some negative impacts are

[00:38:50] Surrounding yourself with people who have fit your traumatic narrative Top sick friends, abusive relationships Reliving the trauma over and over again And difficulty navigating interpersonal relationships All of those which are not your fault And it says surviving trauma is something that should be celebrated

[00:39:08] You should be proud to be standing on the other side of her horrific experience However when you base your identity on your trauma You don't allow yourself to heal And that's where I've been caught in that vortex

[00:39:21] And then so if you ever find yourself there and a light boat goes off And you're like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? Not like you're just like in a spiral You can't help but you like know you can stop it That is a wake-up call

[00:39:35] That's an opportunity That's gone talking to you That's like saying much how I love you Look at what you're doing to yourself Look at what's happening here This is not your fault But you can stop this process And you can go in a different direction

[00:39:47] And you can connect with your identity You can connect with your identity and me again And so that's an opportunity It's a wake-up call to be able to not identify with the trauma And to come back to your core identity and work on that And so basically

[00:40:03] It can be very difficult to come back to that But when you keep doing that healing work You start to reintegrate yourself And this article talks about some of the things I've talked about Which include DBT and EMDR Which are body-based therapies Talk therapy, cognitive-based therapy

[00:40:21] And all of those that can help you to heal But being around people who are more positive Not the ones that bypass and invalidate But the ones who are authentically positive Maybe other people that are trauma survivors

[00:40:35] They don't have to be, all they have to do is be understanding and kind Abuse relationships Get away from those as much as you can Talks at people Being around healthy, kind, integrated people Is one way you can help yourself

[00:40:51] When you start re-manating on the trauma over and over Interrupt that cycle in whatever way you have to Even when it's in a way you can't help for example I would get caught up in this sort of panic mode

[00:41:03] When something environment was in a way I couldn't control it And I'd start obsessing and high-provision Being high-provision, looking out my window and see what was going on And I'd go outside to see if it was still happening Don't do that!

[00:41:15] I don't care if you have to go watch TV for two hours Disassociating is a step up from re-living your trauma Is one I'm saying So if you can do anything to get your mind off of it

[00:41:26] To get away from it that's a step up that's healthy you're do it Difficulting navigating interpersonal relationships That's where therapy and safe relationships are so important And learning about yourself and what you like and what you need is so important Coming towards the end of this whole concept

[00:41:43] Don't make trauma your whole identity How we think about trauma is vital to how we move on from it That's obvious And I just stole that line straight from the article It's in the Guardian And it's by James Gregg, GREIG And that's so true how we think about

[00:42:01] And relate to our trauma is vital To how we move on from it And that's why it's good to not only do the healing work But to be mindful to how we relate to this experience To how we relate to ourselves

[00:42:14] So let me go straight into the middle of the article here Because I think this is important When we are traumatized as children And we get these grooves in our mind that play over and over and over We get these stories we keep telling ourselves

[00:42:29] I even talk about that in one of the first podcast episodes I ever did about flipping the script of our own life And that's the script that we can rewrite It takes time We have to do it repetitively to sort of create those grooves

[00:42:43] In our minds that allow us to create a new story But if we can stop those tapes and stop that re-manating And focus on something else Or write another story that can help And that's what it's talking about in this article

[00:42:58] It says but I do worry that the omnipresent of the trauma narrative And our culture might also be corrosive It's talking about how trauma is something we talk about a lot now But maybe sometimes we talk about it too much

[00:43:13] And it says for a couple of years earlier in my 20s I was obsessed with the idea that I was traumatized Irreversibly damaged I had reasons to think so The trauma narrative informed almost everything I did particularly my relationships with other people

[00:43:28] I felt motivated to change my behavior Even when this was nothing grander than deciding not to text someone Because as I saw it I was to traumatize person And this was the form it was taking Trauma was a curse and an absolute

[00:43:43] My life was destined to be terrible And nothing was ever my responsibility So you can see how it can become an excuse And that sounds cold and mean That's why I don't like using that word but it can It can become an excuse

[00:43:58] And that's why I say trauma is not an excuse to be a jerk or an a-hole It can be difficult at times But that does not give us a free pass To just act however we want It's one thing to be patient with ourselves And to love ourselves

[00:44:15] It's another thing to It's another thing to just while a win self-pity And expect everybody to give you more leeway And expect everybody to just completely adapt To you and bend to your will And if somebody is just a complete jerk And they're being completely uncompassionate

[00:44:33] And that's another thing But you see there's a balance there You've got to give other people a little leniency And then they hopefully will do the same for you A little forbearance is a better word there But here at the end of the article it says

[00:44:48] At the same time setting up a dichotomy Between trauma and environmental factors Would make no sense Trauma is an environmental factor It's just one that relates to the past That doesn't make it any less significant If you look at the history of psychiatry Viewing mental illness

[00:45:04] A stemming from trauma Rather than brain disease or character flaw Is a huge step forward So we've made a lot of progress In the last 20 to 30 years on trauma healing And that's a good thing That's something good to remember It says trauma is usually caused

[00:45:19] However, oblique by structural problems That have collective solutions There are ways of thinking about it Which aren't individualized And which could help Could well be empowering But when the trauma narrative becomes The go-to explanation for unhappiness It may distract us from what's making us miserable

[00:45:36] In the here and now So in other words there's things we can do about this now And so we need to remember There's a lot that is in our power Even if we can't control everything that happened And then it says

[00:45:48] It's not always possible to change our individual circumstances Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't Or it may take time It says most of us can't choose to have more money Work a less stressful job Or live in a nicer flat than we already do

[00:45:59] But it is possible to engage And some kind of collective effort to improve them Even if this doesn't pay dividends In any time soon The sense of collective possibility Can be beneficial in its own right It can make your you an agent of the present

[00:46:13] Rather than a victim of the past I would also argue that doing your healing Work can do that And also when you start to get in that loop Of identifying with the trauma all the time Or making it excuse to get special treatment All the time

[00:46:27] You pull yourself back from that So it says rethinking the trauma narrative And realizing that the sources of our Enhappiness go beyond the individual My impower us to feel like we actually do Something about them We can actually do something about them

[00:46:42] We are more than the sum of the bad things That have been done to us And that is so true That is so true And the last article that I wanted to look at here Was five things the scriptures teach us about trauma and suffering

[00:46:54] What does God say about all this What does scripture say about all this And this is an article by Dr. Matthew Stamford And this is on Hope and Healing Center in Institute The HHCI And this is another Christian based It looks like mental health kind of resource

[00:47:13] Or sort of platform But there are five key truths the scriptures teach us about trauma and suffering So part of identity is our identity in Christ If we meditate on prey on read scriptures And remind ourselves in journal about our identity in Christ

[00:47:31] That is also healing that core identity And reconnecting it to other parts of our lives So remember that part of your healing is remembering Who you are in Christ and who you are in God And some of the things that can help us do that

[00:47:45] Is to practice that God is present And in control of our suffering And I can't read all these scriptures And all of these examples But there's a lot of examples here And you can read those scriptures and that explains it

[00:47:58] And strangely, some of it is in limitations, Psalms and Job I didn't just mention that earlier So I tend to be a little sarcastic But then the next one is that God is good and cares for us And there are scriptures to back that up

[00:48:14] And you can also think about personal experiences That relate to these What are personal experiences that God is present And in control of your suffering What are personal experiences that God is good and cares for us Meditate on those Write those down in your journal reflect on them

[00:48:29] The third one is Though our trials and suffering Through our trials and suffering Miss Spills, trials and says trails But it's trials Through our trials and suffering We have an opportunity to draw closer to God Now I'm not one of those people that believes God

[00:48:45] Makes us suffer so that he can force himself to be closer to us That's just... Yeah, that's eki But I do believe that the nature of life Is that humans are fallen creatures That things happen There is suffering in the world

[00:49:00] Whether we like it or not that is the reality And so suffering will come to us at some point in our lives We have times where there's more suffering than others And there are people who may experience more suffering than others But it happens to us all

[00:49:14] And so through those trials and suffering We do have an opportunity to draw closer to God So if things are going to happen The only thing that we have control over sometimes Is we can steer some of that where there's less suffering But in Buddhism, it's through striving

[00:49:30] That causes suffering It's through forcing trying to force things Trying to make things not what they are Or trying to make things be what they're not It's in acceptance And surrender That you're actually able to change That's the irony That is an almost seems counterintuitive

[00:49:50] But that is where you find peace Instead of suffering But there is still going to be a certain kind of suffering That's just the condition of life Things that are unpleasant Even if you accept them It's softens that suffering A lot

[00:50:04] But God is with us through all of those And so there's some scriptures here That we're at talks about that as well And then the fourth one is Jesus understands what it is to suffer So Jesus bears the suffering He's been through everything that we have

[00:50:20] He knows what that feels like And there's verse after verse after verse Of God Of Jesus's compassion for us Through and in our suffering Because Jesus himself experienced it And knows what it feels like And there's places where Jesus even talks about God Where are you

[00:50:37] When he asks, can this cut pass for me And the guard of Gassimony Where he says, Father, why have you forsaken me? So there's places where even Jesus has doubts And Jesus is the Son of God Jesus is God And so that's

[00:50:54] You know, it shows how much Jesus understands us And meditating on that And writing down experiences in our own lives When we felt that connection is also helpful And then number five The last one our identity is grounded in Christ I'm going to read this one

[00:51:08] It says finally Our identity is not defined by traumatic events Or suffering but is grounded in Christ God does not see you as a victim I'll say it again God does not see you as a victim He sees you as his child

[00:51:23] That core identity separate from the trauma That I was talking about is Scritual It's psychologically based and proven And it's also scripturally based The scriptures tell us that as children of God We were chosen by the creation of the world

[00:51:40] To be wholly and blameless adopted sons and daughters Lavished with grace Redemed for given Given spiritual wisdom and understanding And marked with the Holy Spirit Ephesians 14 So meditate on those scriptures Write this down Journal about it So it says we are in Christ

[00:51:59] We sit at the right hand of the Father We have His righteousness We must not allow tragedy or circumstances To define who we are or how we live We have His very life within us And we must choose to live out that truth Is it easy? No

[00:52:15] But is it possible? Yes If we can ground ourselves strongly And our identity and God in Christ And we can meditate on that And journal on that And write about that And read about that And watch videos on that You get the idea And so on

[00:52:31] Reprogramming our minds That identity that core identity We'll start to become whole You'll start to see those little gold lines Fusing those disconnected areas of you So you become this beautiful Whole teacup again Those neural connections in your brain We'll start to come together

[00:52:47] I'm not saying it's perfect I'm not saying that you'll be flawless But in Christ we are flawless And so God will complete whatever we can't complete ourselves The whole point is is that trauma Healing is possible Being whole is possible Having a core identity again is possible

[00:53:07] And it comes through these different processes And steps that we talk about on the podcast And you have to find your own way with this But just the whole point is not to let trauma Become your identity And take over your whole life And take away your joy

[00:53:22] And defragment you in a way Where you just while we're around And what happened to you And then there's nothing else You're not a victim You're a survivor And you are a warrior And this work is not easy And what you're doing everyday

[00:53:39] You may not get recognition from your family or your friends You're quietly laboring Where people don't even see what you're doing But God sees Other survivors see I see you You are not alone You can heal And you can make your identity Something more than your trauma

[00:54:01] Something beautiful, something wonderful Something amazing So never give up Okay, never give up And so this whole podcast episode Has been don't make trauma Your whole identity And we talked about different aspects of that And I hope it's been helpful Because a lot of this I've literally improvised

[00:54:18] I didn't know what I was going to say But I hope it's been helpful for you anyway And I hope it's been a blessing Remember that you're fearfully and wonderfully made And God loves you This has been episode 17 of season three Of Christian emotional recovery

[00:54:32] Don't make trauma your whole identity Please feel free to share this work with somebody else Check out the show notes Where you can find links to the podcast To the podcast To the podcast Website, to the regular website You can see the other work I do there

[00:54:48] You can check out the Facebook group And you can check out the YouTube channel All with the name Christian emotional recovery I'll put all the resources And this in the show notes So you can check those out at 12 Thank you so much God bless you

[00:55:01] And have a great day

[00:55:34] Please rate and review the podcast And tell a friend who may benefit from this message See you next time And remember beloveds God loves you And you are fearfully and wonderfully made