Episode 16 Season 4: Embodying Authentic Joy After Trauma

[00:00:03] Hello, Beloveds, and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse. This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor. Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere. We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us in.

[00:00:33] This podcast is where faith meets science. Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked. She'll show you how to do the same. Each week, we'll cover a topic that will show you how to heal trauma for good. Please check out our website and show notes at ChristianEmotionalRecovery.com.

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[00:01:17] Hello, everyone. I'm Rachel Leroy, your host, and this is Christian Emotional Recovery. I hope everyone is well. And this will be Episode 16 of Season 4. Episode 16 of Season 4. And it will be Embodying Authentic Joy After Trauma.

[00:01:35] Embodying Authentic Joy After Trauma. Now, often on the podcast, we talk a lot about overcoming trauma, the nature of trauma, healing from abuse, identifying abusive behaviors, setting boundaries.

[00:01:47] But I think it's equally important to remember that we can get caught up so much in the trauma that we forget to think about the fact that we are, as Christians and as human beings, joyful creatures.

[00:02:03] And that even though we survived trauma, and that makes experiencing authentic joy more challenging, we can get back to a place where we're able to do that.

[00:02:13] And there are ways that we can cultivate authentic joy without it being fake or without bypassing.

[00:02:18] So we're going to talk about that today.

[00:02:20] Embodying Authentic Joy After Trauma. And we'll talk about that in just a little bit.

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[00:04:31] So, let's go ahead and jump right in and get started.

[00:04:34] Embodying Authentic Joy After Trauma, Episode 16, Season 4.

[00:04:39] So, I posted something to my group a few weeks back, and I did not know it was going to resonate with people so much.

[00:04:47] How many likes a post get isn't everything, but in a group where people are looking to get guidance and empowerment and education and just community,

[00:04:57] I post a lot of memes that support people in those ways and educate them and help them to heal.

[00:05:04] And one that I posted that resonated and got so many likes, what I try to do when I'm creating the podcast is I ask,

[00:05:11] what's resonating with my audience?

[00:05:13] Sometimes I feel led to share a certain message.

[00:05:17] I feel led by God, but there's other times I feel like the audience is telling me what maybe the message needs to be.

[00:05:24] And sometimes I think on this channel, we need to focus more on joy and on the fruits of the Spirit and on good things.

[00:05:33] And I'm not talking about being fake.

[00:05:35] I'm not talking about toxic positivity.

[00:05:37] Believe me, I've struggled with those.

[00:05:39] I spent so many years trying to do, going into the positive, quote, I'm using air quotes, positive thinking movement.

[00:05:46] And it didn't, it helped me a little.

[00:05:49] I love Norman Vincent Peale.

[00:05:50] I love his work.

[00:05:51] He's the one that wrote The Power of Positive Thinking back in the 20th century, early, middle 20th century.

[00:05:57] And I love Norman Vincent Peale.

[00:05:59] I love his teachings.

[00:06:00] I love his works.

[00:06:01] But I think that what he teaches is limited because they didn't have the knowledge of trauma that they did then.

[00:06:08] And you can't always just will yourself to be happy.

[00:06:11] I do think that you can think positively and you can choose to do that.

[00:06:15] But you can't heal just with positive thinking.

[00:06:18] And I got caught up in that toxic positivity mindset.

[00:06:21] And it was destructive for me for years because I felt like there was something wrong with me.

[00:06:27] Well, you're just not thinking hard enough.

[00:06:29] You're just not being positive enough.

[00:06:31] You just don't have enough willpower.

[00:06:34] I heard all of that BS.

[00:06:35] And I'm sure that a lot of you, you understand.

[00:06:39] You understand where it's coming from.

[00:06:41] You understand the power of positive thinking when it's healthy.

[00:06:46] But then there's another kind where you have like Law of Attraction and positive thinking.

[00:06:51] And they're more like movements.

[00:06:53] And they become more superficial.

[00:06:55] And it becomes about toxic bypassing.

[00:06:58] If you ever read anything about, in self-help, about Law of Attraction, which I personally think is.

[00:07:05] I think that people's thoughts do create their experiences.

[00:07:09] But I don't think it's to the point that a lot of these teachers like for you to think.

[00:07:15] You can change your life by thinking positively.

[00:07:17] But it has to come from an authentic and healed space.

[00:07:20] Does that make sense?

[00:07:21] But if underlying, underneath the positivity, there's cognitive dissonance.

[00:07:26] And I have some teachings on cognitive dissonance.

[00:07:28] And I'll put those in the show notes if that would be helpful.

[00:07:31] But cognitive dissonance is basically where, let's just give an example.

[00:07:36] Let's say that you did get caught up in the positive thinking or Law of Attraction movement.

[00:07:39] And let's just say you keep thinking positive thoughts and saying positive things.

[00:07:43] But deep down, you know it's not going to work.

[00:07:45] Deep down, it feels forced.

[00:07:47] It feels fake.

[00:07:48] Again, I'm not talking about pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone.

[00:07:52] That's a little different than something that feels forced.

[00:07:55] Or if you're in a relationship with someone who is unhealthy, toxic, or even abusive.

[00:08:00] And you want to believe that things are going to work out with them.

[00:08:03] But deep down, you don't.

[00:08:04] That's sort of disparate, holding two different contradictory thoughts at the same time.

[00:08:10] And usually the one you feel like you should feel or you should be is on the surface.

[00:08:15] Pushing down what really is going on.

[00:08:18] That tension in your mind is called cognitive dissonance.

[00:08:22] And it's very painful and very scary to bring up whatever's being suppressed, but it has to be brought up.

[00:08:28] Or that cognitive dissonance will never heal.

[00:08:31] And it also means that if you're forcing joy and forcing positive thinking, it will never be authentic.

[00:08:37] It has to come from somewhere authentic.

[00:08:39] And then if you're weighted down by the issues of trauma and PTSD and abuse and you're trying to heal through those, a lot of people who experience trauma, survivors, we especially struggle with finding authentic joy.

[00:08:56] Because we want to experience it, but then often it gets into being forced.

[00:09:01] Because we experience a lot of anxiety and a lot of depression and a lot of fight or flight mode in our brain and in our neural network, right?

[00:09:08] So how do we find authentic and spontaneous joy?

[00:09:14] And so let me say this quotation again.

[00:09:17] This is kind of what the whole talk here is revolving around.

[00:09:20] And by the way, I really don't have any notes today.

[00:09:22] I'm just letting God lead me to say what I need to say.

[00:09:25] And I have a couple of sources that I'm using to give a little bit of research background here on, first of all, how people who are trauma survivors struggle to experience joy.

[00:09:37] And then specific ways that people who have had post-traumatic stress syndrome, complex trauma, and similar conditions can actually cultivate joy in an authentic way without bypassing.

[00:09:50] So the quotation said, you're not healing to be able to handle trauma.

[00:09:55] You're used to trauma.

[00:09:57] You're healing to be able to handle joy.

[00:10:01] So that's what we're focusing on today.

[00:10:04] But in order to do that, we have to start from the reality of trauma and then work towards the joy in a way that is authentic for where we're at in our unique journey.

[00:10:14] And everybody's a little different, but if you're a trauma survivor, this is who this is for.

[00:10:20] So a little bit about the different kinds of joy and what joy is.

[00:10:24] Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, right?

[00:10:26] And joy is a little bit different than happiness.

[00:10:29] I believe that joy and happiness can be cultivated, but happiness, I think, is a natural product of favorable circumstances, which we don't always have.

[00:10:38] Nobody does.

[00:10:39] Trauma survivors are not.

[00:10:40] None of us has favorable circumstances all the time.

[00:10:43] We all face pain.

[00:10:45] We all face difficulties.

[00:10:47] We all face stress and disappointments.

[00:10:49] Some of us more than others, obviously.

[00:10:51] But joy is something that you can experience even through those difficulties.

[00:10:59] It's something that can be cultivated.

[00:11:01] And yes, while it can't be forced, it is to a degree a choice.

[00:11:05] Now, if you're experiencing something really difficult and you can't feel good or smile or be happy or feel grateful at that time, there's nothing wrong with that.

[00:11:14] But it's starting from where you're at and working towards a more authentic place in an organic way.

[00:11:20] You can't force it.

[00:11:21] You can't force it.

[00:11:22] You have to acknowledge the emotions that are underlying, like I said, so you're not pushing them down because you'll never experience authentic joy if you don't deal with that stuff that's deep down in your psyche and in your neural network.

[00:11:34] That's why we do so much about healing trauma from the body and working with the neural network and working with the vagus nerve to calm down that fight or flight instinct in our body so we can heal on multiple levels, on every level.

[00:11:52] Let's look at a couple of these articles.

[00:11:55] But first, I wanted to talk about different kinds of joy.

[00:11:58] One that I have found, there's different brands of joy, but one that I have found that I've been able to vibe with, so to speak, even when I've been going through difficult times, is humor.

[00:12:08] Everybody has a unique brand and sense of humor, and you just need to be honest about what yours is and plug into it.

[00:12:15] And partake in things that allow you to experience that humor, whether it's memes or silly cat videos or dad jokes or puns.

[00:12:24] I love cat videos, animal videos, puns, and dad jokes, okay?

[00:12:29] So maybe your humor's a little different.

[00:12:31] Maybe it's a little edgier or darker.

[00:12:33] Of course, you need to talk to God about what's acceptable there, but you need to understand yourself and what kind of humor.

[00:12:40] What makes you laugh?

[00:12:42] And then seek out people, videos, movies, books, and things like that that are, you know, clean in a sense that you don't feel like it's bad to partake in those.

[00:12:51] But find what resonates with you and laugh.

[00:12:55] Have humor.

[00:12:56] And if other people look at you like you're crazy, who cares?

[00:13:00] There are times I'll be watching a video or I'll be reading something or listening to something, and I just start cackling out of nowhere.

[00:13:07] My husband is sitting there next to me, and we're watching TV, but I kind of have my headphones on, and he thinks I'm crazy.

[00:13:14] That used to bother me.

[00:13:16] And, I mean, it's not in any, like, malicious way.

[00:13:19] But you know what I mean?

[00:13:19] Somebody will look at you like you're crazy, or you think something's funny, and you just laugh and laugh and laugh, and they're just looking at you like, what?

[00:13:26] Who cares?

[00:13:27] Laugh anyway.

[00:13:28] We have been denied joy and humor and laughs and normalcy to the point that when you experience it, as long as it's not at somebody else's expense in a malicious way, laugh.

[00:13:41] I mean, you might think monkeys are funny or old cartoons where the animals, the characters slip on banana peels.

[00:13:49] I don't know.

[00:13:50] Whatever works for you, though.

[00:13:51] Find it and go with it.

[00:13:53] That is one form of joy.

[00:13:55] Another form of joy is just when things are really, really difficult.

[00:13:58] I call them small mercies.

[00:14:00] And I actually have a course on gratitude.

[00:14:02] And I think there's a strong connection between gratitude and joy.

[00:14:05] And I'll admit, I suck in this area.

[00:14:08] I struggle.

[00:14:09] And I taught a course on gratitude, okay?

[00:14:11] So I'm still working on this.

[00:14:13] And I think gratitude is another thing that sort of ties in with joy, where you can't force it.

[00:14:18] But if there's a way that you can be thankful for small mercies, it might be that maybe the weather's been hot all summer and it finally cooled off some.

[00:14:26] Maybe it's something just like a phone call with an old friend that you talked to for an hour.

[00:14:33] And it just made you feel better.

[00:14:35] Maybe it was picking up an old lady's change when she dropped it in the doorway and you were able to help her.

[00:14:41] And it just felt good to do something nice, you know?

[00:14:43] It could be something small.

[00:14:45] It could be a little flower growing out of the pavement and seeing its resilience and sort of reflecting on the fact that that's you.

[00:14:52] You're the flower growing out of the pavement, right?

[00:14:55] The resources that we have.

[00:14:57] I am so thankful we live in the modern era where we know about trauma, where we know how this stuff works, where we have tools and resources, many of which are free.

[00:15:06] So even if you can't afford to pay something, there is enough stuff out there that you can heal.

[00:15:12] And then you can get cheap stuff like books.

[00:15:14] And then if you're able to pay for more expensive things like courses, that's a privilege and an honor too.

[00:15:20] Because those tools will help you to heal a lot faster if you use the ones that work for you, right?

[00:15:27] So knowing about the body and how trauma works in the body and understanding the medicine behind the vagus nerve and all of those things is such a blessing and such a privilege.

[00:15:36] So finding authentic things that you're like, you know what?

[00:15:39] That's not so bad.

[00:15:40] You know what?

[00:15:41] That's good.

[00:15:42] You know what?

[00:15:42] Let's think about a few.

[00:15:44] There are times where I'll just stop and I'm going to think of five things I'm thankful for.

[00:15:48] And I'm going to try to make them non-generic.

[00:15:50] In other words, you could say I'm thankful for the sunshine every beautiful spring day.

[00:15:54] But maybe you've done that five times in a row.

[00:15:56] So come up with something that's more unique to that day or something you haven't thought of.

[00:16:01] So that's another form of joy that you can cultivate.

[00:16:04] So there's humor and there's gratitude and, of course, there's joy in the Lord.

[00:16:09] That's an eternal thing that never changes.

[00:16:11] And there's a lot of scriptures on that.

[00:16:13] So you could meditate on those.

[00:16:15] Like I said, again, not in a forced way, but praising God.

[00:16:19] Just singing praises, listening to praise and worship music.

[00:16:23] You can mix these together.

[00:16:24] Like maybe it's gratitude and praise and worship.

[00:16:27] But if it's something that resonates deep in your soul,

[00:16:30] maybe it's something where the person is crying out to God because things are difficult.

[00:16:34] But they're also praising God, again, not in a forced way,

[00:16:37] but like in a way that you can at least understand that things will get better and that God is sovereign.

[00:16:43] And just remembering that can be so reassuring.

[00:16:46] And meditating on the fact that God is your healer and your comforter and your protector.

[00:16:51] And that God created all of these different forms of joy, including humor.

[00:16:56] If God didn't have a sense of humor,

[00:16:58] I look at certain animals and they're just adorable, but they're also funny.

[00:17:02] I think about animals like monkeys and ducks and kittens.

[00:17:07] And they're just so cute, but they're also hilarious.

[00:17:10] And I just can't imagine God not having a sense of humor.

[00:17:13] If we're made in God's image and we are modeled after God,

[00:17:18] I believe that when it talks about we're made in God's image,

[00:17:21] I think that's more metaphorical than physical.

[00:17:24] Maybe God does have a human form.

[00:17:25] I don't know.

[00:17:26] Who am I to say?

[00:17:27] I don't know what God's physical form is or if God has one.

[00:17:30] But if we're made in God's image,

[00:17:33] I believe that not only is that physical, but it's also in our minds,

[00:17:36] which means God is humorous.

[00:17:39] God created humor.

[00:17:40] And God created joy.

[00:17:42] And God created all these different kinds of joy.

[00:17:45] And there's a lot more, but those are just some that I'm thinking of off the top of my head.

[00:17:49] The joy of the Lord.

[00:17:50] The gratitude that you can feel even in difficult times.

[00:17:54] Those small mercies.

[00:17:55] Like I said, you might take...

[00:17:57] I'll put it in the show notes.

[00:17:58] I'll put the gratitude course.

[00:17:59] Now, it's not Christian-based.

[00:18:01] It's more like a general course that I created for Udemy students.

[00:18:04] But it's on my website now.

[00:18:06] And I will create a link so you can take that course if you're interested.

[00:18:11] It's not too expensive.

[00:18:14] And it takes you through different ways that you can show gratitude

[00:18:17] and talks about what gratitude is and the benefits of it and the science behind it

[00:18:20] and how you can cultivate it in specific practices.

[00:18:24] We go over specific practices in your own life.

[00:18:27] And then, of course, humor as well.

[00:18:29] Humor is one of my favorites.

[00:18:30] So, let's go ahead and talk about how people who survive trauma and abuse struggle more in this area.

[00:18:39] Because I think understanding the reality of it

[00:18:42] and then pushing towards how we can overcome those realities

[00:18:46] and how we can work with those realities is an important foundation.

[00:18:51] And so, we don't experience that cognitive dissonance.

[00:18:54] And so, there's an article.

[00:18:56] There's an article on mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com.

[00:19:02] Mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com.

[00:19:03] And it's by Ann Moss Rogers.

[00:19:05] Ann Moss Rogers.

[00:19:07] And it's called The Secret of Post-Traumatic Growth.

[00:19:10] Steps to Finding Joy After Tragedy.

[00:19:12] And we'll get to that one in just a minute.

[00:19:14] That's where I want to really focus.

[00:19:15] But first, I want to talk about why is it hard to feel joy in the aftermath of trauma.

[00:19:21] And that's where that will help us to understand our why.

[00:19:25] And then we'll understand how to overcome that.

[00:19:28] You can't overcome something unless you understand it to some degree, at least, I think.

[00:19:33] Why is it hard to feel joy in the aftermath of trauma?

[00:19:38] Why is it hard to feel joy in the aftermath of trauma?

[00:19:41] And this is in Psychology Today.

[00:19:42] And this is by Valentina Stoicheva, PhD.

[00:19:48] And so, this is by Valentina Stoicheva, PhD.

[00:19:51] Why is it hard to feel joy in the aftermath of trauma?

[00:19:53] I'll put both of these sources in the show notes like I always do.

[00:19:56] So, you can refer to them and read them if you want.

[00:19:59] Psychology Today.

[00:20:00] And then there's a quotation here by Plato from 360 BC.

[00:20:05] So, it says,

[00:20:06] To truly leap, you must learn how to use the ground as a springboard and how to land resiliently and safely.

[00:20:13] It means to test the leeway allowed by given limits to outdo and yet not to escape reality.

[00:20:19] I love that quote.

[00:20:21] That is so powerful.

[00:20:22] And this is what I'm talking about here.

[00:20:23] To be able to start from where you're really at.

[00:20:27] And to be honest about that is where you can then start to move forward,

[00:20:32] understanding that and making your movements based on that knowledge and understanding.

[00:20:37] I'll say that again.

[00:20:38] In the quotation here at the beginning of the Psychology Today article, it says,

[00:20:43] To truly leap, you must learn how to use the ground as a springboard and how to land resiliently and safely.

[00:20:50] It means to test the leeway allowed by given limits to outdo and yet not escape reality.

[00:20:56] And that's why Plato in 360 BC.

[00:20:59] Wow, that goes way back.

[00:21:01] There's some universal wisdom there.

[00:21:04] So, basically it talks about how people as trauma survivors particularly struggle in the area of play.

[00:21:17] Play is another form of joy, I believe.

[00:21:19] It's not just humor, but it's also being able to enjoy life in general.

[00:21:24] Enjoying life is another form of joy.

[00:21:26] Whether that's enjoying a good meal, going for a walk outside and enjoying nature,

[00:21:31] enjoying some time with friends, listening to a book or watching a movie,

[00:21:35] or testing your physical limits a little bit with exercise.

[00:21:38] Whatever healthy activities give you enjoyment of life and help you to feel like you're living your life.

[00:21:44] That's also, in an authentic place, experiencing joy.

[00:21:48] And the article says,

[00:21:49] For many of us who have experienced trauma,

[00:21:52] it's very relatable to experience loneliness, social isolation,

[00:21:58] and strict adherence to daily routines and unwritten rules of behavior.

[00:22:03] But it's in the absence of one crucial emotion, joy.

[00:22:07] We go through the motions, right?

[00:22:08] And then in the aftermath of trauma, it's often difficult to feel joyful, playful, or carefree.

[00:22:13] And here is why.

[00:22:16] Okay, so a little bit, it talks about how,

[00:22:20] as a result of the beloved pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott,

[00:22:25] in recent decades, play has been added to the list of markers of mental health.

[00:22:30] Along with Freud's original work and love,

[00:22:33] the ability to experience joy and happiness is crucial,

[00:22:37] a crucial sign of psychological well-being.

[00:22:40] So, you can't experience those if you're in fight or flight.

[00:22:44] It's harder to experience those if you're depressed, right?

[00:22:48] So, being in that midline area where you're engaged,

[00:22:52] but not over-activated, is a sign of mental health, right?

[00:22:56] So, while joy is not exactly the same as playfulness, it says,

[00:22:59] to feel joy, we must be able to play, explore, unburden ourselves from certain emotional inhibitions,

[00:23:06] and detach from anxious and ruminative thoughts about the difficulties and demands of everyday life.

[00:23:12] Well, some people say,

[00:23:13] well, Rachel, that sounds contradictory.

[00:23:15] You just said you have to acknowledge those things.

[00:23:18] Yes, you have to acknowledge those things first.

[00:23:20] And you have to come from the reality of those.

[00:23:23] That doesn't mean that you bog yourself down in them,

[00:23:26] obsess over them, ruminate over them, and worry about them.

[00:23:29] I understand.

[00:23:30] Been there, done that.

[00:23:31] Not always easy to do.

[00:23:33] Easier said than done.

[00:23:34] But, the more you cultivate this in an authentic way,

[00:23:39] the better you get at it.

[00:23:41] And it says,

[00:23:43] Winnicott opposed the predominant view of the time,

[00:23:45] the first half of the 20th century,

[00:23:47] which was also when positive thinking

[00:23:49] and people like Napoleon Hill were coming along.

[00:23:51] I'm not dissing those people.

[00:23:53] They had a lot of great teachings.

[00:23:54] I've read their work.

[00:23:55] It's very helpful.

[00:23:56] It's very uplifting.

[00:23:57] But, if that's all you have,

[00:23:59] and you don't have the knowledge of trauma,

[00:24:01] and you don't have the psychological tools to heal that trauma,

[00:24:05] it can be very difficult to heal with just that alone.

[00:24:08] And it says that play was the opposite of reality

[00:24:11] and argued that children's inner lives are not any less real than reality itself.

[00:24:16] So, Winnicott opposed the predominant view of his time,

[00:24:19] the first half of the 20th century,

[00:24:21] that play was the opposite of reality

[00:24:23] and argued that children's inner lives are not any less real than reality itself.

[00:24:28] Play, then, was the transitional space between objective outside and subjective inner reality.

[00:24:35] Playfulness, in turn, is the ability to stand in a shared space

[00:24:38] with two realities at the same time,

[00:24:40] the real and the make-believe,

[00:24:42] the true for adults as well as for children.

[00:24:44] Now, I would say here it's the ability also to hold two things as true at the same time.

[00:24:49] I have experienced trauma.

[00:24:51] I do feel sad a lot of the time.

[00:24:53] Or, I do experience anxiety.

[00:24:56] But, and, I can experience joy.

[00:24:59] And, I can move forward.

[00:25:01] And, I can heal.

[00:25:02] So, there's cognitive dissonance,

[00:25:04] but then there's also the ability to have that both-and mentality.

[00:25:09] And, it's talking here about playfulness and the fact that it's, yeah,

[00:25:14] some of it may be fantasy or imaginary,

[00:25:16] but it's also not necessarily contradictory to reality

[00:25:19] as long as it's in a healthy way

[00:25:21] and not just disassociating and escaping in a toxic way.

[00:25:24] Does that make sense?

[00:25:25] So, it's the motivation behind it that matters.

[00:25:29] So, it goes on and just talks about this concept a little bit more,

[00:25:33] the Psychology Today article.

[00:25:36] And, then it talks about disassociation in trauma.

[00:25:39] And, when we disassociate, that's exactly what I'm saying.

[00:25:41] We don't go and create this huge fantasy life and fantasy world

[00:25:46] to get away, to disassociate.

[00:25:49] We ground ourselves in reality.

[00:25:51] We accept where we are.

[00:25:52] We work on our emotions.

[00:25:54] And, from that place, we can find playfulness and joy

[00:26:00] and escape in a healthy way.

[00:26:02] And, that we don't have to think about our trauma

[00:26:05] or obsess over it or be identified with it in our identity all the time.

[00:26:10] So, but it does talk about disassociation.

[00:26:13] What is that?

[00:26:13] And, that's what you don't want to do.

[00:26:15] It says where there is trauma, there is some level of disassociation.

[00:26:19] Now, when I say you don't want to,

[00:26:20] I'm not trying to guilt you and say,

[00:26:22] well, shame on you.

[00:26:23] That's your fault.

[00:26:24] It is not your fault if you disassociate.

[00:26:26] On the contrary, I feel for you.

[00:26:28] I've been there.

[00:26:29] But, this is where you know you need to work on moving beyond that.

[00:26:36] Dealing with the disassociation.

[00:26:38] Showing yourself compassion for the disassociation.

[00:26:41] Even accepting it.

[00:26:42] That seems contradictory.

[00:26:43] It's not.

[00:26:44] The way you heal something is by accepting it.

[00:26:47] Listening to it.

[00:26:48] Showing that part of yourself compassion.

[00:26:51] But, it says that the disassociation can range from a feeling of disconnection with your body

[00:26:56] and its physiological, emotional states.

[00:26:58] To disassociation of affect.

[00:27:01] A-F-F-E-C-T.

[00:27:02] As in when we talk about an intensely emotional event with no feeling at all.

[00:27:08] To more extreme cases, depersonalization and out-of-body experiences.

[00:27:13] Not all disassociation is problematic, it says.

[00:27:16] To better understand it as well as the role it plays in how we experience emotions such as joy,

[00:27:20] we must first understand its origins.

[00:27:22] And, it talks about how we experience disassociation.

[00:27:27] Where it comes from.

[00:27:28] And, it's obviously a mechanism that protects us during severe and traumatic and extremely stressful events.

[00:27:37] So, that we can protect ourselves.

[00:27:39] And, healthy disassociation that occurs in everyday life.

[00:27:43] When we daydream.

[00:27:44] Mind-wandering when we are, say, driving on the highway.

[00:27:46] Or, when actors are performing.

[00:27:47] Thus, existing into realities their own and the character they are playing.

[00:27:51] In the aftermath of trauma, disassociation as a normal process gets unconsciously hijacked in service of psychic survival.

[00:27:58] For example, if the body cannot escape, the mind does.

[00:28:02] And, it does so in a rather extreme way.

[00:28:04] The continuity of self is threatened because the reality of the trauma is so disorganizing.

[00:28:09] So, disorienting, I would say.

[00:28:11] That it must be encapsulated and isolated in a self-state.

[00:28:14] Which then can become inaccessible to the other self-states.

[00:28:18] So, basically, you start compartmentalizing in a way that's not healthy.

[00:28:22] And, you create these parts that sort of split off.

[00:28:24] We're not talking about multiple personalities in most cases.

[00:28:27] But, it's kind of like that.

[00:28:29] And then, so when we do that, it becomes inflexible.

[00:28:34] And, our autonomic and unconscious process, the individual is inflexibly imprisoned in only one or the other position.

[00:28:43] Healthy functioning and playfulness become compromised.

[00:28:45] So, that's where disassociation is not good.

[00:28:48] And, it's here we observe both a lack of fluidity and shifting from one emotional state to another.

[00:28:53] There's that rigidity, so to speak, and following these rules to keep us safe.

[00:28:58] And, then, playfulness gives us that ability to expand, to explore, to experiment.

[00:29:03] And, that's why you see things like coloring and yoga and dance and art as forms of trauma healing.

[00:29:13] Because, it allows you to start exploring those other parts of yourself where you can be playful, where you can experience joy.

[00:29:19] And, where you can experience a full life and have safe, feel safe within your own body.

[00:29:25] And, actually, open that space up so you're not restricted.

[00:29:30] And, so, people with PTSD can often even become rageful, tearful, or frightened at a split-second notice.

[00:29:38] So, what do we do to restore joy and playfulness?

[00:29:40] It says, restoring one's playfulness and ability to feel joy has been done experientially.

[00:29:46] It has to be done experientially.

[00:29:48] So, everybody's different.

[00:29:49] You have to experiment and see what works for you.

[00:29:51] In therapy, for example, treatment focuses on connecting with the split-off feelings and experientially showing the individual that their negative affect is not destructive.

[00:30:01] That they can feel the full vastness of their sadness and not be swallowed by it.

[00:30:06] And, they can remember and process terrifying events without losing their mind and face shame without judgment.

[00:30:13] It's about processing those emotions in a healthy way, in a gradual way, in an incremental way, in a safe way.

[00:30:20] And, often, that needs to be done with a therapist.

[00:30:23] It can take time.

[00:30:25] And, it takes patience.

[00:30:27] And, so, it does take working through that stuff.

[00:30:31] And, then you start to restore yourself back into your body.

[00:30:35] You start to experience more stability where you're in that midline area of not being under-activated and disassociated.

[00:30:43] But, also, not over-activated.

[00:30:45] And, in fight-or-flight mode, you're in that safe place where you can be fluid and flexible.

[00:30:51] And, you can engage with other people.

[00:30:52] And, you feel safe.

[00:30:53] And, you can be playful.

[00:30:54] And, you can laugh.

[00:30:55] And, you can find humor in situations.

[00:30:58] So, in that sense, it says,

[00:31:00] Plato's metaphor of leaping is indeed quite evocative.

[00:31:04] For the play capacity to be restored, we must relearn to feel safe in leaping from one self-state into another.

[00:31:12] But, I love that quotation.

[00:31:13] I want to read it one more time.

[00:31:14] The Plato quotation from this article.

[00:31:18] It says,

[00:31:19] To truly leap, you must learn how to use the ground as a springboard and how to land resiliently and safely.

[00:31:27] It means to test the leeway allowed by given limits to outdo and yet not escape reality.

[00:31:34] And, that's Plato in 360 BC.

[00:31:36] So, this is foundational stuff that goes back not just centuries, but millennia.

[00:31:42] Literally.

[00:31:43] So, there's some truth to that there, probably.

[00:31:46] So, the secret to post-traumatic growth and steps to finding joy after tragedy.

[00:31:52] The other article in the Mental Health Awareness Education site by Ann Moss Rogers talks about how to find joy.

[00:32:00] It says after tragedy, but I would just say after any kind of trauma.

[00:32:04] Experiencing PTSD growth involves a transformative process, it says.

[00:32:09] A personal emotional evolution.

[00:32:11] Notice the word evolution.

[00:32:12] It isn't forced.

[00:32:14] It happens over time.

[00:32:15] You allow the natural process to take over, but you steer and gently push and guide that.

[00:32:21] You don't force it.

[00:32:23] And, it says,

[00:32:25] Emotional evolution that can result in personal development and positive change following a traumatic event.

[00:32:32] The popular narrative of post-traumatic growth goes something like this.

[00:32:36] Someone weathers great tragedy and years later, ta-da!

[00:32:39] Emerges a new person stronger and wiser than before.

[00:32:42] We've all heard the cliche of the butterfly and the chrysalis.

[00:32:46] And, it's true.

[00:32:47] It is true.

[00:32:48] But, it doesn't just happen like, snap of your fingers, there it is.

[00:32:52] You might have moments like that.

[00:32:54] I've had a few where it was like everything just came together.

[00:32:57] But, it was after years of hard work in most cases.

[00:33:00] Where maybe God just delivered you from something that you had been praying about for years.

[00:33:04] Maybe even decades.

[00:33:06] Maybe you're still waiting on that deliverance.

[00:33:08] And, maybe you've been delivered in some areas like I have, but not in others.

[00:33:12] So, it's about flow.

[00:33:14] It's about evolution.

[00:33:16] It's about a natural process that you allow to happen, but also make happen without forcing it.

[00:33:23] So, it says,

[00:33:24] You can experience post-traumatic growth.

[00:33:28] It isn't something that simply happens automatically because you have weathered tragedy.

[00:33:32] You have to work at it, it says.

[00:33:34] You have to want it and be willing and open to take steps to make it happen.

[00:33:38] In other words, you need to be intentional about wanting to heal and taking that experience to help others in ways large or small.

[00:33:46] So, being intentional is not the same thing as forcing.

[00:33:49] It's seeking an outcome, but it's doing it in a way that flows and also accepts where you're at.

[00:33:55] Shows compassion on yourself where you're at.

[00:33:56] Is patient.

[00:33:57] And, it's about acceptance.

[00:33:59] It's about surrender.

[00:34:01] Acceptance and surrender are everything.

[00:34:03] So, the writer here talks about, like I said, you can experience post-traumatic growth.

[00:34:09] And, that's where being intentional helps you to be able to experience joy.

[00:34:12] So, she says,

[00:34:14] It was a shock when I learned that vulnerability was seen as a strength, not a weakness.

[00:34:18] When she says that, the first person I think of is Brene Brown.

[00:34:22] And, if you have not checked out Brene Brown's work, it is phenomenal.

[00:34:26] It's fantastic.

[00:34:27] Go and look at her talk on vulnerability.

[00:34:31] I will put it in the show notes.

[00:34:33] And, only recently have we begun to see that vulnerability is not only good, but it's essential to growth and healing.

[00:34:42] It's essential to experiencing a joyful life and to experiencing authentic and good, healthy relationships.

[00:34:48] So, I won't get into vulnerability.

[00:34:50] I have some talks on it and stuff.

[00:34:52] But, I'll put hers at least in the show notes.

[00:34:55] And, if I find some on vulnerability, then I will put those in the show notes as well.

[00:34:59] But, she says,

[00:35:01] This isn't something that simply happens automatically.

[00:35:03] You know, experiencing the post-traumatic growth.

[00:35:06] But, the shock of vulnerability being seen as a strength and not as a weakness is a relatively new thing.

[00:35:13] So, finding your voice, finding your strength, and healing emotionally.

[00:35:17] Those are part of vulnerability.

[00:35:19] And, so, being able to be authentic is healthy.

[00:35:27] And, it's, that's what I'm talking about when I say being able to process your emotions.

[00:35:32] Being able to not have unhealthy cognitive dissonance.

[00:35:35] Being able to acknowledge what you're going through.

[00:35:37] That doesn't mean you get caught up and tangled up and just let it possess you and control you.

[00:35:42] Does that make sense?

[00:35:43] You're able to feel it and acknowledge it and give it a space.

[00:35:46] You're able to hold space for those parts of yourself.

[00:35:49] You're able to allow other people, like your therapist, to hold space for those hurt parts of you.

[00:35:57] So, factors that contribute to PTSD growth.

[00:36:01] Post-traumatic growth.

[00:36:02] Feeling your feelings.

[00:36:04] So, now we're getting into the stuff where you can actually work towards joy.

[00:36:09] Work towards being able to experience more authenticity.

[00:36:12] Work towards experiencing more vulnerability.

[00:36:16] Work towards more humor.

[00:36:18] And, sort of, it's, it's, it's this sort of paradoxical thing.

[00:36:22] Because, in a sense, you're steering it and you're pushing it.

[00:36:26] But, in a sense, you're also letting go of the wheel and letting it happen.

[00:36:30] If that makes sense.

[00:36:31] When you hear that saying, Jesus, take the wheel.

[00:36:34] I don't think that means you just sit back and pray and do nothing.

[00:36:37] I'm not one of those people.

[00:36:39] I don't believe you just sit back and pray and hope good things come to you.

[00:36:43] No.

[00:36:44] I think you have to work.

[00:36:45] I think you have to take action.

[00:36:47] And, even the saying, be bold and mighty forces come to your aid.

[00:36:51] There's truth to that.

[00:36:53] Taking a few risks.

[00:36:55] Calculated, intelligent risks.

[00:36:57] Not stupid, dumb risks.

[00:36:58] You know.

[00:36:59] And, finding that balance there.

[00:37:01] But, it says here are the factors that contribute to post-traumatic growth.

[00:37:05] Like I said, that will help you to cultivate authentic joy.

[00:37:08] Feeling your feelings.

[00:37:10] It says, pushing your feelings away because they are uncomfortable.

[00:37:13] Denying or numbing them will only keep you stuck in that ugly, raw place for longer than you want.

[00:37:19] So, you need to let those feelings in.

[00:37:21] Use a substance.

[00:37:22] Using a substance won't get you where you want to go.

[00:37:25] But, will prolong your pain.

[00:37:27] So, it says, usually intense feelings will last about 60 to 90 seconds and will lift because emotions are temporary.

[00:37:35] So, being able to hold a space.

[00:37:37] Roland Bal calls that containment.

[00:37:39] And, I've done so much meditation.

[00:37:42] Hundreds of meditations on containment.

[00:37:44] And, it's helped me so much.

[00:37:46] A little bit at a time.

[00:37:47] Easy does it.

[00:37:48] Right?

[00:37:49] But, once you, that emotion passes, get involved with another task or distraction.

[00:37:55] There will be pain in the process and set the expectation you will get through it.

[00:37:58] The secret is not to jump to distraction before feeling and reflecting on the emotion first.

[00:38:04] So, the first one was feeling your feelings.

[00:38:07] The second one, acceptance and resilience.

[00:38:10] And, I want to talk in the near future a lot more about resilience.

[00:38:13] We haven't talked about that enough on this channel.

[00:38:15] We have talked about it, but not enough.

[00:38:18] I want to start steering this channel more towards the results and the solutions and the joy and the healing and the life you can have after trauma or even while you're still healing from trauma.

[00:38:31] And, resilience is part of that.

[00:38:34] That's what resilience is.

[00:38:35] Accepting the reality of what has happened, understanding you can't change it, and developing healthy coping strategies in the aftermath are crucial, she says.

[00:38:44] This involves acknowledging the trauma without being overwhelmed by it.

[00:38:49] Number three, self-reflection and finding meaning.

[00:38:51] This involves reflection to find a way forward by giving back.

[00:38:55] This does not have to be grandiose, but something as simple as volunteering for a cause.

[00:38:59] You start by reevaluating priorities, relationships, beliefs, and values.

[00:39:04] For me, I think finding meaning is reflecting on the experience and being able to reframe it in a way that's healthy and accepting the reality of it, but also finding the wisdom and the good that can come out of it.

[00:39:18] I'm not one of those toxic teachers that's going to tell you God is punishing you or God put you through that hell so that you would be a better person, so you would be ready to do His will.

[00:39:28] There may be some truth to that, but I don't emphasize that.

[00:39:32] I do believe that when something happens, it's happened.

[00:39:35] We can't undo it.

[00:39:37] But there can be things that we can get out of that, good that can come out of that in spite of the difficulty, in spite of the tragedy.

[00:39:46] Does that make sense?

[00:39:47] So, if it's already happened, you can't control that.

[00:39:50] That's not your fault.

[00:39:51] You just have to move forward and find acceptance and peace and meaning in that, and part of that is to be able to accept what has happened.

[00:40:02] Self-reflecting and finding meaning is about resilience.

[00:40:06] Number four, seek support.

[00:40:07] There's no badge of honor in going it alone.

[00:40:10] I've never understood this.

[00:40:11] We actually glorify people who have gone through hell and kept it to themselves and helped other people while they were going through something hellish themselves, and then we think they're so great.

[00:40:22] I don't think that's great.

[00:40:24] I think that's toxic.

[00:40:25] It's not toxic when you're going through something not to dump it on other people.

[00:40:30] It's not toxic when you're going through something not to talk about it all the time.

[00:40:35] It's not toxic when you're going through something if you're able to continue to help other people, but it is toxic to try to do both at the same time, carry it all on your own, and then act like that's something great you just did.

[00:40:47] It's not great.

[00:40:48] That's not healthy.

[00:40:49] You need help.

[00:40:50] You need to also get, you also need somebody who is doing the same for you because you're going through something and you need support.

[00:40:59] There's no badge of honor in doing that alone.

[00:41:02] That's ridiculous.

[00:41:02] That's unhealthy.

[00:41:03] And denying yourself connection to others who have been through the same kind of tragedy is a sign of stubbornness, not strength.

[00:41:10] So when people do that, they're being a donkey's butt.

[00:41:14] They're being a donkey's hind end.

[00:41:16] Get help.

[00:41:17] Get support.

[00:41:18] Whatever that is for you.

[00:41:19] Whatever's available with the resources you have.

[00:41:22] There are people who love you.

[00:41:23] There are people out there in groups that will respond to you.

[00:41:27] There are therapists.

[00:41:28] Whatever resources you have.

[00:41:30] YouTube.

[00:41:33] Support.

[00:41:34] Virtual or literal.

[00:41:36] That will help you get through something.

[00:41:38] But don't go it alone.

[00:41:39] Don't be a donkey's butt.

[00:41:40] Okay?

[00:41:41] Because that's not healthy.

[00:41:42] You need support.

[00:41:43] That is normal human experience.

[00:41:46] Everybody needs support at times.

[00:41:48] So, your close relationships, reaching out to others for support, whether through therapy or discussion groups,

[00:41:54] can help you process emotions and gain new perspectives.

[00:41:58] Now, I have a group and I have had people who would say, I need somebody to talk to.

[00:42:03] I have done coaching.

[00:42:04] If you're interested in coaching, then reach out to me.

[00:42:07] We can work something out.

[00:42:09] However, I'm not a therapist.

[00:42:10] And I've had people who wanted me to just talk to them, just wanted to talk to me for free.

[00:42:15] I wish I could do that.

[00:42:16] I don't have the emotional resources and I don't have the financial resources to be able to devote that kind of time and energy.

[00:42:23] So, I had to make a decision in my group a while back that I could not just one-on-one talk to people for hours on end,

[00:42:31] either verbally or with text chat.

[00:42:34] So, you can post stuff in the group.

[00:42:37] We will support you.

[00:42:37] We will help you.

[00:42:38] But I cannot be your therapist.

[00:42:40] Okay?

[00:42:40] But there are a lot of great resources where you can do that, where you can find that.

[00:42:45] And we do want you to find help.

[00:42:46] We do want you to find people you can talk to.

[00:42:48] And if you're just in a place where you don't know what to do,

[00:42:52] there are also in your country, most of the time, 988, I think it is, in the United States,

[00:42:58] where you can get help and just speak to somebody.

[00:43:01] You don't have to be at a place where you're ready to end everything.

[00:43:05] You can just be in great distress.

[00:43:07] And if you need to actually talk to a human being, dial that emergency number and they will help you.

[00:43:14] They will listen.

[00:43:15] Sometimes you just need somebody to listen.

[00:43:16] So, there are resources, even free ones, out there if you need them.

[00:43:21] Okay?

[00:43:21] And I'm here there.

[00:43:22] I'm here for you.

[00:43:23] Okay?

[00:43:24] I'm not saying I'm not here for you.

[00:43:25] I'm just saying I can't give free one-on-one therapy.

[00:43:27] I have to set that boundary.

[00:43:29] You understand from your own experience as a trauma survivor that you have limited spoons.

[00:43:34] A spoon is the amount of energy you have each day, and each of us have a certain amount.

[00:43:38] And when they're gone, they're gone.

[00:43:40] So, I try to help people, but I also try to set boundaries and protect myself and my energy at the same time.

[00:43:47] So, I can help people, but I have to do it within certain boundaries.

[00:43:52] And you need to do that, too.

[00:43:53] You know, you can't help everybody under every circumstance.

[00:43:56] You set the boundaries based on what you know you can do and try to help people.

[00:44:00] But don't push yourself where you know you can't do it.

[00:44:04] Right?

[00:44:05] Find new perspectives is the next one.

[00:44:07] Find new perspectives.

[00:44:08] Viewing traumatic experience as an opportunity for growth rather than solely as a setback involves reframing the experience and recognizing opportunities for personal development.

[00:44:18] This is part of, and I would say, natural evolution and might not be the way you will see your situation right away.

[00:44:26] So, it takes time.

[00:44:28] It takes time.

[00:44:29] Don't force that.

[00:44:30] Don't force it.

[00:44:31] But it is a step.

[00:44:32] And if you know you can do that authentically, you know you're making progress.

[00:44:36] And that is a good thing.

[00:44:38] It says, suffering is part of life and there are tragedies every day all around us.

[00:44:42] A crucial step in the process of growth after tragedy is learning to accept that you weren't singled out when things go wrong.

[00:44:49] Oh, my God.

[00:44:50] I suffer from that one.

[00:44:52] I struggle with that one.

[00:44:53] I feel like God sometimes even has singled me out.

[00:44:56] I'm still working on that because I want to heal that.

[00:45:00] And then when I do, I want to take a lot of what I'm learning and I want to make a course on restoring our personal relationship with God.

[00:45:08] I'm not talking about theology as much as I am personal relationship.

[00:45:11] There's theology involved.

[00:45:12] But I am going to create a course because I've had so many people ask me about that.

[00:45:17] I'm having trouble with my relationship with God.

[00:45:19] I want to believe He's good.

[00:45:20] I want to believe that He's not like these other people that did me wrong.

[00:45:23] But I'm struggling to separate the two.

[00:45:25] And I understand that.

[00:45:27] I'm struggling with that too.

[00:45:28] You're not alone if you're struggling with that.

[00:45:30] It's normal.

[00:45:31] God sees you.

[00:45:32] He understands why you feel that way.

[00:45:34] He loves you.

[00:45:35] And He is not condemning you for feeling that way.

[00:45:37] Tell Him how you feel.

[00:45:39] Tell Him how you feel.

[00:45:40] And we will work on this together.

[00:45:42] We will work through and get through this together.

[00:45:44] So number six is take action.

[00:45:46] Actively engaging in behaviors and activities that promote growth, such as adopting a healthy

[00:45:51] coping strategies, exercising instead of drinking, I guess alcohol is what they're

[00:45:55] talking about, for example.

[00:45:56] Pursuing new interests or helping others who have faced similar challenges.

[00:46:00] Do you know how much it's helped me having this channel?

[00:46:04] Do you know how much I've healed and how much I've grown because of having this channel?

[00:46:08] You may not start a trauma recovery channel or group.

[00:46:12] But if you can find ways to just be helpful to other people in groups you're in, that can

[00:46:19] be a way that you can help yourself heal and also give back at the same time.

[00:46:23] And you'll feel a sense of joy and connection and satisfaction in helping other people who

[00:46:28] may not be along the healing path as far as you are yet.

[00:46:32] And I'm still learning from people that are farther along the path than I am.

[00:46:36] And some of you may be farther along the path than I am, right?

[00:46:40] I mean, we're not comparing here.

[00:46:42] We're working on this together.

[00:46:44] We're working to help one another.

[00:46:47] There's no comparison.

[00:46:48] There's no competition.

[00:46:49] Number seven, cultivate humility, hope, and gratitude.

[00:46:53] Looking for hopeful outlook and believing in the potential for positive change despite adversity

[00:46:58] and even naming that which you are grateful for in the face of great loss is another important

[00:47:03] step in the process.

[00:47:05] And that's why I said gratitude is so important.

[00:47:08] And if you want to start somewhere, you could take my course.

[00:47:10] You're not obligated to, but you could take my course and I'll put it in the show notes

[00:47:14] like I said, just as some strategies to help you to cultivate gratitude.

[00:47:18] It might just be keeping a gratitude journal.

[00:47:21] She says here, I'm not saying to embrace toxic positivity, but rather to look at it through

[00:47:26] a different lens for your own sake.

[00:47:29] That's authentic, not fake.

[00:47:31] The sake of your relationships and your future.

[00:47:33] So is it about choice?

[00:47:35] Yes, it's about choice.

[00:47:36] We don't want to be helpless.

[00:47:38] And like I said, where does it get into the point where you're forcing it?

[00:47:42] You'll start to feel it.

[00:47:43] You'll start to know it.

[00:47:45] Making a choice and saying, you know what?

[00:47:47] I've really been feeling sorry for myself lately.

[00:47:49] You know how you sort of wake up and it's authentic and you feel it and you're feeling

[00:47:53] convicted, but you're not feeling guilty or you're not feeling self-loathing or shame.

[00:47:57] You're just like, wow, I really need to work on that, don't I?

[00:48:01] And people who are empathic and have consciences are able to do that.

[00:48:06] Unfortunately, people with extremely high toxic narcissistic traits struggle to have humility

[00:48:12] and to choose consciously to change.

[00:48:16] That's repentance, right?

[00:48:17] Repentance isn't condemnation.

[00:48:19] It isn't guilt.

[00:48:21] It isn't cognitive dissonance.

[00:48:23] It isn't shame.

[00:48:24] Repentance is choosing to change on an authentic level.

[00:48:29] Maybe Jesus convicts you of something and you're like, oh wow, I'm going to work on that.

[00:48:33] Okay.

[00:48:34] There might be a touch of guilt, but it's not something that completely overwhelms you.

[00:48:39] And it's authentic, like I said.

[00:48:41] Number eight, integration and adaption.

[00:48:44] Integrating the experience into the unique tapestry of your story and adapting to changes

[00:48:49] it brings involves adjusting to the new circumstances and incorporating the lessons into daily life.

[00:48:55] Number nine, patience and self-compassion.

[00:48:58] This is one of the most important ones, one that I emphasize all the time.

[00:49:02] Patience and self-compassion have to come with acceptance.

[00:49:07] And the ACORN technique is one way to process your emotions by having patience, humility, self-compassion,

[00:49:14] and surrendering and being accepting of what's going on all at the same time.

[00:49:20] It sounds difficult, but the more you cultivate it, the more easy it becomes.

[00:49:24] I'm not saying it's easy, but the easier it becomes.

[00:49:26] Now I have an ACORN meditation you can purchase from the store.

[00:49:30] You can also get it free on the YouTube channel, and you can also find it on Insight Timer.

[00:49:36] So I will put that in the show notes as well.

[00:49:38] There's a lot of resources, and I want you to have those, right?

[00:49:41] So patience and self-compassion.

[00:49:43] It says it's important to recognize the growth is a process that takes time.

[00:49:48] And for this, you need to be compassionate towards yourself in that journey.

[00:49:53] What I found too is I was so closed off at one time, so hurt, so angry, so wounded,

[00:50:00] that I literally had to fake.

[00:50:02] I had to fake compassion for other people.

[00:50:06] I had to fake empathy.

[00:50:07] I thought there was something wrong with me.

[00:50:09] I didn't know the word narcissist at the time or sociopath,

[00:50:12] but I thought I was the kind of person that you would identify as that,

[00:50:16] even though I didn't use that word.

[00:50:17] But when I started to experience these terrible things at work,

[00:50:21] and I was being treated terribly,

[00:50:23] I started to make connections between that intense pain.

[00:50:27] And I would never want somebody else to feel this way.

[00:50:30] I could never subject somebody else to this kind of treatment.

[00:50:33] And then I started making the connection.

[00:50:35] I'm feeling something for other people.

[00:50:37] And then I was able to connect that with their other experiences.

[00:50:40] So if you find that you're cut off from your empathy towards other people,

[00:50:44] if you can find any kind of connection like that,

[00:50:48] go with that.

[00:50:49] Go with that.

[00:50:50] And it'll take you down a path where you're able to open up.

[00:50:53] It takes time,

[00:50:54] but heal gradually and feel for other people.

[00:50:56] Because that's literally what empathy is.

[00:50:58] You have to have it in balance.

[00:51:00] You can't just overwhelm yourself with the problems of the world.

[00:51:04] Because good Lord,

[00:51:05] the world can be so messed up.

[00:51:07] And there are people starving,

[00:51:08] and people in pain,

[00:51:09] and children being abused.

[00:51:11] I'm not here to talk about all that,

[00:51:13] or to deny it.

[00:51:15] But you can't allow yourself to be overwhelmed either.

[00:51:18] When you're finding,

[00:51:19] opening that stuff back up to the joy of life,

[00:51:23] you will find yourself overwhelmed at times.

[00:51:25] And you'll have to close it back up to protect yourself.

[00:51:27] And that's okay.

[00:51:28] That's part of the process,

[00:51:29] is finding that balance.

[00:51:31] It's always a process.

[00:51:32] It's always ongoing.

[00:51:33] It's always changing.

[00:51:34] It's always growing.

[00:51:35] It's always moving.

[00:51:36] But it says,

[00:51:38] post-traumatic growth is a highly individualized process.

[00:51:41] And not everyone who experiences trauma

[00:51:43] will necessarily undergo this kind of transformation.

[00:51:46] However,

[00:51:46] these steps can contribute to facilitating personal growth,

[00:51:50] and positive change after a traumatic event.

[00:51:53] So,

[00:51:54] it's about natural evolution.

[00:51:56] It's about the paradox,

[00:51:59] and of steering something,

[00:52:02] and pushing it a little bit,

[00:52:04] and allowing it to happen organically,

[00:52:06] and naturally.

[00:52:07] It's about all these different things that combine,

[00:52:10] and come together.

[00:52:13] So we've talked about embodying authentic joy after trauma.

[00:52:17] This is episode 16,

[00:52:19] and it's season four.

[00:52:21] And we talked about the quotation,

[00:52:24] you're not healing to be able to handle trauma.

[00:52:27] You're used to trauma.

[00:52:28] You're healing to be able to handle joy.

[00:52:32] And so we talked about different kinds of joy,

[00:52:34] and how you can start to cultivate those naturally.

[00:52:37] And we talked about how trauma survivors face more struggles,

[00:52:39] and challenges with experiencing different kinds of joy,

[00:52:42] and playfulness,

[00:52:43] and humor,

[00:52:44] and gratitude,

[00:52:46] and things like that,

[00:52:47] and humility,

[00:52:48] and vulnerability.

[00:52:49] Those are all forms of joy.

[00:52:51] But as we learn to do that more and more,

[00:52:54] we get better at it.

[00:52:55] And as we allow ourselves to grow naturally,

[00:52:58] and we don't push or force,

[00:52:59] if we allow those emotions to come up safely,

[00:53:02] gradually,

[00:53:02] and feel them,

[00:53:03] so we don't have that cognitive dissonance,

[00:53:05] so we're not pushing that stuff down,

[00:53:07] we begin to heal gradually,

[00:53:08] and we're in a place where more and more incrementally,

[00:53:11] we're able to be playful.

[00:53:13] We're able to cultivate humor.

[00:53:15] We're able to experience the joy of the Lord.

[00:53:17] We're able to be able to give back,

[00:53:20] and to be authentic,

[00:53:20] right?

[00:53:21] So,

[00:53:22] the different kinds of joy,

[00:53:23] the challenges of trauma,

[00:53:25] and abuse survivors have it experiencing joy.

[00:53:27] Ways to cultivate authentic joy,

[00:53:30] without bypassing,

[00:53:31] or toxic positivity as a trauma survivor.

[00:53:35] But at the end of the day,

[00:53:37] it's about not forcing.

[00:53:39] It's about showing yourself compassion.

[00:53:40] It's about allowing yourself to forget about things,

[00:53:43] and enjoy life.

[00:53:44] That's part of healing too.

[00:53:45] Not just push, push, push, push, push, push, push.

[00:53:47] You can push the healing so hard,

[00:53:50] that it is forced.

[00:53:52] So,

[00:53:52] it's about finding a natural balance.

[00:53:54] And that's not easy.

[00:53:55] I'm not going to say it's easy.

[00:53:57] It's not.

[00:53:57] At first,

[00:53:58] but the more you do it,

[00:54:00] the better you get at it.

[00:54:01] The more you do it,

[00:54:02] the better you get at it.

[00:54:03] So,

[00:54:03] it's a skill you can cultivate.

[00:54:05] We used to not know that,

[00:54:07] but even in the last 20 years,

[00:54:08] we've learned that adults can learn

[00:54:10] new and complicated concepts,

[00:54:12] and the brain scans prove it.

[00:54:14] It's called neuroplasticity.

[00:54:17] Neuroplasticity.

[00:54:17] You can experience joy again.

[00:54:19] You can be an authentic,

[00:54:21] safe person for yourself

[00:54:23] and for somebody else.

[00:54:25] You can experience the joy of the Lord

[00:54:26] and not feel that underlying,

[00:54:28] well,

[00:54:28] there's something wrong with me.

[00:54:29] Well,

[00:54:29] this isn't right.

[00:54:30] This isn't real.

[00:54:31] This is fake.

[00:54:32] I'm still struggling with that some,

[00:54:34] but you keep working at it,

[00:54:35] and you will experience more and more authentic

[00:54:38] experiences like that

[00:54:40] as you work on healing

[00:54:41] all of that stuff.

[00:54:42] Okay?

[00:54:43] So,

[00:54:43] just remember,

[00:54:44] you're not healing to be able to handle trauma.

[00:54:46] You're used to trauma.

[00:54:48] You're healing to be able to handle joy.

[00:54:50] And go with that today.

[00:54:51] What can you do today

[00:54:52] to cultivate authentic joy

[00:54:54] where you're at here and now

[00:54:55] that's not forced,

[00:54:56] that's right where you're at?

[00:54:57] What can you do to take one baby step

[00:55:00] towards healing your trauma,

[00:55:01] towards processing your emotions?

[00:55:03] Think about that

[00:55:04] and just do one thing like that today.

[00:55:06] Just one thing.

[00:55:07] And every day,

[00:55:08] the journey of a thousand miles

[00:55:10] starts with one step.

[00:55:12] One step doesn't seem like much,

[00:55:14] but when you look back over the days

[00:55:15] that have passed,

[00:55:16] you see the progress you've made.

[00:55:19] So,

[00:55:19] if you haven't started,

[00:55:20] start now.

[00:55:21] Start today.

[00:55:23] And you will,

[00:55:24] in time,

[00:55:24] see that progress

[00:55:25] and you will be so worth it.

[00:55:27] It's so worth it.

[00:55:29] Remember,

[00:55:29] beloved,

[00:55:30] you are fearfully and wonderfully made

[00:55:31] and God loves you.

[00:55:33] Have a great day.

[00:55:36] Thank you so much

[00:55:37] for tuning in

[00:55:37] to this week's episode

[00:55:39] of Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:55:41] hosted by Rachel Leroy.

[00:55:43] For links to this week's resources

[00:55:45] and to join the discussion,

[00:55:47] check out this episode's show notes

[00:55:49] at ChristianEmotionalRecovery.com

[00:55:52] where you can also find links

[00:55:54] to our YouTube channel

[00:55:55] and Facebook group.

[00:55:57] Join our email list

[00:55:58] and get other episodes

[00:55:59] and resources.

[00:56:01] If you enjoyed the podcast,

[00:56:03] please rate and review the podcast

[00:56:05] and tell a friend

[00:56:06] who may benefit from this message.

[00:56:08] See you next time.

[00:56:10] And remember, beloveds,

[00:56:12] God loves you

[00:56:12] and you are fearfully

[00:56:14] and wonderfully made.