Episode 16 Season 3: What's the Connection Between Love Languages and Healing Trauma?

[00:00:02] Hello beloveds and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse. This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor. Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere.

[00:00:31] We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us stuck. This podcast is where faith meets science. Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked.

[00:00:52] She'll show you how to do the same. Each week, we'll cover a topic that will show you how to heal trauma for good. Please check out our website and show notes at Christianemotionalrecovery.com Enjoying the Facebook community, Trauma Survivors Unite, Christian Emotional Recovery

[00:01:12] Hello everyone and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery I'm your host, Rachel Leroy, and this is Season 3 Episode 16 We're moving right along and this is the first podcast episode I recorded in a couple of months

[00:01:34] because I tried to record them a little ahead of time and then put them out in a couple of weeks That doesn't always work out, but it's kind of nice to have taken a break And I'll probably be doing just a few more podcasts for this season

[00:01:47] And then taking another break at the end of the year and planning and getting started for the next season season 4 So fourth year of doing this coming up soon that's so exciting But this episode, Episode 16 is what's the connection between love languages and healing trauma?

[00:02:05] What's the connection between love languages and healing trauma? And we'll talk about that in just a minute just a few things If you would like to help out with the podcast, please keep in mind that I work part time

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[00:05:43] Just type in Christian Emotion Recovery And it'll come up And let's go ahead and get started though This is season 3 episode 16 What's the connection between Love languages and healing trauma Now most of the episodes we do I like it to either be something inspirational or motivational

[00:06:02] Or even more importantly Talk about concrete practices to go along with whatever the topic is And keep in mind this podcast is for trauma survivors Survivors of any kind of abuse Narcissistic abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse Any kind of abuse Survivors of childhood emotional neglect

[00:06:23] And like I've said in the past This isn't about bashing anybody Who may have fallen short In some cases people have evil people That harmed them and knew what they were doing But in a lot of cases this is people who were doing the best they could

[00:06:38] That's not to condone what they were doing But they didn't mean to cause harm So I understand that there's two different kinds of survivors here And I tend to fall into both of them I won't go into detail about who is whom they are

[00:06:53] But I had one person who abused me who did it Because it was pleasurable and they liked to torment me And in other cases it was people that loved me that felt short If that makes sense Okay, so you know this is a complicated issue

[00:07:06] And surviving any kind of trauma Having a high asus score Adverse childhood experiences score It's complicated for most people And there can also be things working in tandem together But why would I talk about love languages What is the connection between love languages and trauma

[00:07:25] And surviving abuse and that kind of experience Well first of all, if you live in the Christian community Or even if you just like to read maybe self-help Or self-development type books You've probably heard of Gary Chapman's book Love languages He's a Christian author

[00:07:43] And he wrote this book I think back in 1992 And it became a bestseller And it's really resonated in the Christian community And throughout not just in the Christian community And people have repurposed this in a million different ways

[00:07:58] And there's because it resonates and there's some truth to it I do want to put out a precaution or a disclaimer that Love languages is not necessarily based on extensive research But there's a lot of anecdotal evidence that shows that love languages

[00:08:14] There's something to it. It's also not an absolute Could there be love languages that are not identified here? Yes, and could there also be, you know, it's complicated So I'm not trying to make this an absolute But I always like to put out those disclaimers because

[00:08:28] I'm a scholar And I like to come at these issues from a scholarly point of view Even though I like to disseminate or communicate them in a way That is practical, usable, and interesting To somebody who is a survivor to be able to help them to empower

[00:08:44] them to help them to heal their trauma and to help them to consider A different angle on the healing journey Where maybe healing has not happened before Where you can actually get some progress and make things happen So that's what this podcast is all about, just a reminder

[00:08:59] So how is love language connected to trauma survivors Into the effects of trauma in the body and in the mind? Well a couple of things, trauma will impact the kind of love language You have in a lot of cases and also trauma can also impact

[00:09:20] How you respond to relationships, right? Deeply we all know this from experience So this is going to sound kind of strange But our love language in some cases can even be determined By what we didn't get as a child

[00:09:34] Or in some cases maybe even what we did that really resonated with us Even though there are other factors that will determine our love language Such as genetics, there is a lot of anecdotal evidence That what we didn't get as a child

[00:09:49] For example, if our parents let us scream in our crib and didn't hold us When we cried when we were babies, physical touch might be our love language Or if we didn't get a lot of words of affirmation, great job Gail, great job, Johnny

[00:10:03] This is a great little paper that you wrote I love this work of art How do you feel about that? What do you think about this? That is so smart The kind of things that children need to validate their choices And their expression and their individuality

[00:10:20] That helps to build confidence right? If there's a big void there that could be just A mission negligence, so to speak, emotional neglect And in that case, a lot of times parents didn't mean any harm But they might have been busy or stressed But it left a mark

[00:10:37] And so maybe your love language is as word of affirmations Maybe your parents never spent time with you Or maybe your friends never had time for you Or your spouse, your first husband or your first wife Maybe your remarried never spent any time with you

[00:10:52] So your love language is time You get the idea So you see that that can also be where we're most vulnerable In a relationship and where we can find safety the most too So it's like a double-edged sword

[00:11:06] It's where we find safety the most but it's also where we're most vulnerable And so that's what we'll be discussing today We'll be discussing what are the five love languages What determines your love language? How your love language is rooted? Can be your most rooted and deepest insecurity

[00:11:22] as well as your deepest source of safety So that double-edged sword And we'll talk about a trauma informed approach to love language What does safety have to do with it? Which I will say is everything Safety is everything if you're a trauma survivor

[00:11:38] And we're not just talking about physical safety Where you don't want to get run over by a car Chased by a lion or you know You want to be physically safe We're talking about emotional safety And then lastly, how can you be responsive to others

[00:11:52] And how can you get what you need through love languages? So that's keep in mind that we're doing this through a lens of trauma survival Okay, when we go through all of this So what are the five love languages?

[00:12:04] Just in case you might not have heard about this in a while Or if you don't know what the love languages are I just want to do a crash course in it What is a love language exactly? Where did the different types of love languages? And

[00:12:18] So let's look at that. I have as always articles There's a helpline article here called there are five love languages Here's how to find yours And if you go online, there are hundreds of quizzes Where you can take a love language quiz

[00:12:33] And also keep in mind that you may have more than one primary love language Okay, so keep that in mind That there might be two or even three that stick out to you more For example, mine are words of affirmation

[00:12:45] Quality time and physical touch. Those are the ones that really stand out to me the other two

[00:12:49] You know, they matter but they don't matter to me as much as those as much as a hug or somebody that takes time out of their day to spend it with me Or somebody who gives me a genuine compliment for example

[00:13:02] So the five love languages this article is by Adrian Santosh long-hers and it was medically reviewed by Laurie Lawrence

[00:13:12] And so it says what is a love language exactly and it says do you have a friend who says they'd like to a clean kitchen over flowers any day when you prefer a little romance That right there is a basic example of different love languages

[00:13:27] We all express and receive love differently And those differences could be the reason why feelings and good intentions sometimes get lost in translation For example, you spend weeks trying to find a partner the most amazing gift ever but come their birthday

[00:13:41] They respond with I would have been happy just ordering in and then snuggling on the couch together It's not necessarily that they're in grateful it says or that you messed up They just communicate their love differently or have a different love language

[00:13:54] Recognizing how you and your partner like to receive an express love Could lead to more thoughtful connection and a healthy relationship not to mention less explosive birthdays and valentines People get so emotional on those days also like Christmas and times like that

[00:14:09] But keep in mind that this is not just with your spouse or your partner It's also with anybody that you're close to and really anybody that you interact with on a regular basis So keep in mind that love languages are not just

[00:14:25] Remantic relationships they can be any relationship your relationship with your friends your family a neighbor a coworker and so on So keep that in mind too. You might even have a pet that has a love language that is possible I definitely see

[00:14:39] Differences and unpats and what they need Okay, so what are the different types of love languages here? It says there are five love languages as first introduced in 92 by marriage counselor Gary Chapman in his book the five love language

[00:14:53] The five love languages are words of affirmation quality time physical touch acts of service and receiving gifts Okay, so um love languages don't just apply to romantic relationships it says they can be helpful in your platonic relationships too And then here there's a comparison chart

[00:15:16] And basically what the chart shows is each love language what it's associated with how it might be yours and if it sounds like a partner If this sounds like a partner so I'm not going to go through this whole chart

[00:15:30] But I encourage you to read this chart because it'll give you a lot more breakdown of love languages And then of course one thing you can always do is read Gary Chapman's book which helps you learn in detail about the love languages now

[00:15:44] I will mention I don't necessarily agree with everything Dr. Chapman believes and I don't necessarily agree with every single thing in the book But I don't just throw the baby out with the bath water if I disagree with a few things

[00:15:56] I try to get out of it what is helpful and then I just don't worry about the rest, you know So use your discernment they are pray about it as always

[00:16:06] But it's a good book and it's insightful and it's helpful and there's been a lot of follow-up books written about the love languages too But words of affirmation it says are verbal expressions of love appreciation and encouragement

[00:16:19] And you might say something like I love you for example words of affirmation might also be a genuine compliment For example, thank you for making this meal. It means so much. This is so good

[00:16:31] Or thank you for taking out the trash. I really appreciate that or you look really nice today Or that was a really good song that you just played there So you know it can be in different ways the next one quality time giving another person your undivided attention

[00:16:47] Where a quality time is giving another person your undivided attention and that might be making time for others You feel disconnected when you don't spend enough time together So that might be if your child needs that one-on-one attention and that's really hard because you're busy

[00:17:03] Carving ten minutes out of the day just to talk to them about how they're feeling how their day was How things went for them what they learned can make such a difference ten minutes

[00:17:15] And it might be taking two hours to go somewhere with the family once a week to make that undivided attention It might even be for yourself. It might be I'm gonna take two hours on Sunday afternoon to take a walk

[00:17:27] Meditate and take a bubble bath and pray in the tub, and that's your quality time with yourself right and with God Keep in mind that um leveling which is also

[00:17:37] Are connected to God. How can we give these things to God in our sacrifice in our time with God in how we serve God? How can we allow God to give those things to us? But we have to connect with God to be able to do that, right?

[00:17:52] So physical touches the next one. That's connection through appropriate physical touch Non-sexual or sexual depending on the context In most cases non-sexual most of it is so keep that in mind it might be hugs or holding someone's hand or patting them on the back

[00:18:11] Also I make a note here, please of course most people know this but this is only only consensual touch And obviously that's that should be obvious to most people So if you're quote a touchy-feely person you feel most love when embraced or touched

[00:18:28] You might hold hands with your spouse or even a close friend Or you know it might be cuddling with your husband or your wife

[00:18:36] It might even be with your dog or your cat, you know you like them to sleep next to you at night because it makes you feel safe So that's physical touch And then acts of service is the next one selfless Thoughtful acts that make a person's life easier

[00:18:51] So acts of service might be your happy when someone helps without being asked Action speak louder than words for you So you'll also find that generally not always but generally people's love like people tend to give more naturally through their own love language For example acts of service

[00:19:10] I'll be honest I struggle with that when I've had to work on that a little more I tend to be better at words of affirmation and quality time and stuff like that with people

[00:19:22] But acts of service might be a husband taking a trash out for his wife or it might be You know going by and visiting your elderly mother who has you haven't seen all week Even though you're busy and spending a couple of hours

[00:19:37] Dusting her furniture and having dinner with her It could be anything like that It could be something you do in the church It could be something you do in the community It could be something someone does for you

[00:19:48] And if that's your love language then if somebody does something for you it doesn't It could be practical or it could be more romantic or more impractical You know, it could just be something that is so sweet that somebody does for you

[00:19:59] But you get the idea and then lastly is receiving gifts This one is obvious Tangible tokens of love and thoughtfulness That doesn't mean you go out and buy somebody a dime and ring her a new car

[00:20:10] Even though there's not necessarily anything wrong with that as long as you're not grabbing someone But it might be you pride yourself in giving thoughtful gifts You most appreciate you appreciate meaningful gifts for me That's not one that means that much to me

[00:20:28] It just doesn't it does mean something But it doesn't mean as much as some of the others And gifts is not my strong suit when it comes to giving I tend to on a holiday just make sure that I spend time with someone

[00:20:43] And give them my attention for a few hours more than buying gifts I do bring gifts but I don't necessarily do elaborate gifts if that makes it So you have to see what your gifts are and where they stand out to you

[00:20:56] And where you give is often what you need as well Though not always And so just going through all of these I think you've got a good idea of what the love languages are Now going to the next part Going to the next part

[00:21:13] What determines your love language? That's a very good question And we'll go to another article in just a second that talks about What does determine it I think it's complicated I think it's kind of like the chicken or the egg nature versus nurture

[00:21:29] Mental health conditions for example depression Are you born with it? Is it something that you have a propensity towards where it might kick in If you have a certain environment? Is it cost primarily by adverse childhood conditioning?

[00:21:42] There's a lot of factors there in its complex and we can't get an absolute But one thing we do know is that leveling which is can be determined And or steered more likely in a certain direction

[00:21:54] By your own background by how you interacted with the adults around you as a child And even other children So keep in mind, leveling which is just what happens between us and our significant Other but it also includes our relationships like friends, family, children, parents,

[00:22:11] siblings, colleagues, ministers, coaches All kinds of people that we interact with both as children and as adults And there is a website called Tara relationship coach She's a relationship coach, Tara relationship coach And in her article she talks about what determines your love language

[00:22:33] And keep in mind this is not based on research per se But it's anecdotal evidence and it does make a lot of sense Tara relationship coach is the website Brian Ball Is the one that wrote the article and he writes about his experience

[00:22:49] Of his dad, he played soccer and his dad would compliment what he did Well but he would keep a running record of things that he fell short on No matter how small they were And he says he was well meaning

[00:23:01] But that kind of stuck with him and it kind of impacted him So words of affirmation, something he didn't get enough of The other was emphasized more Was his love language and that's how he began to realize there was a connection

[00:23:13] Between whatever you did not get or maybe if you did experience either Abuse or I wouldn't call that abuse what he went through But I would say that it impacted him So whatever impacts you It doesn't even have to be abuse is what will determine your love language

[00:23:31] And he says whatever your love language is Is likely what you did not get as a child So if your love language is gifts he said You likely didn't receive many gifts Or the ones you got weren't what you wanted

[00:23:43] Or weren't thoughtful or meaningful in some other way Again, this is not to be ungrateful or anything I'm just trying to show you how this can impact your makeup Your identity and what Orientation you have in terms of love languages Your love language is physical touch

[00:24:01] Touch your parents or siblings didn't often hug Cuttle or otherwise be physically affectionate with you You may have also received touch You didn't like for example if you and your siblings always wrestled with or hurt one another

[00:24:13] So in my case my parents actually told me they loved me They actually did hug me But physical touch is still one of mine And I found out discovered that My parents at the time this is so messed up

[00:24:27] And they the research is shown now that this is very damaging to childhood development But parents didn't know this at the time That the firmer method a lot of people would let a young baby lay in a crib and cry And they thought they could self-south

[00:24:41] Okay, a baby under the edge of one cannot self-south They're not capable of it But they didn't have that research at the time And it can actually I think in a lot of cases cause people to be starved for touch

[00:24:53] Because that part of your brain did not develop properly to have that connection To have that soothing Does that make sense? And that's part of I think one reason was physical touch If you actually did get hugged as a child

[00:25:07] That might be your reason why you still have that love language If maybe you weren't touched and held That's why that skin-to-skin contact is so important with newborns Right? We know that now And then so another one is quality time

[00:25:21] You may have spent a large portion of your childhood alone Whether because you were an only child had different interests Than the rest of your family or because you faded in the background Due to having multiple siblings Or another one I would argue is that your parents

[00:25:37] If there is poverty or adverse financial situations Which can increase the chances of trauma Unfortunately Your parent may have been working two jobs to make ends meet But they didn't have as much time to be with you Unfortunately again not their fault but it does impact you

[00:25:57] If your love language is acts of service You may have had to always do things for yourself Or had to start doing things for yourself and others Common with latch key kids or older siblings when parents work I was a latch key kid

[00:26:11] Again, it was the necessity of the times Both of my parents worked we came home from school early Especially in that time period where free range kids It was a thing and I think there's a balance there Helicopter parenting is probably no better That balance is so delicate

[00:26:29] Kids need attention they need Affirmation they need interaction But they also need to be able to test the waters And test boundaries and make some of their own mistakes To it's a balance of things Acts of service

[00:26:43] If that's your love language you may have had to always do things for yourself Or like I said that's part of that If your love language is worth of affirmation You were often criticized or critiques for your failings And or didn't often hear verbal praise for your accomplishments

[00:26:59] In my case my parents didn't criticize me a lot But I was around certain other people that would criticize me And then I did not get a lot of words of affirmation It was just not something You know once in a while I'm proud of you

[00:27:13] But that's so important I think that's one of the most important things When kids are coming along just to say good job You know or how do you feel about that? Just talking and treating them like kids like their human It's only in the last 20 years or so

[00:27:29] That people actually realize the kids are just little adults that haven't grown up yet In other words they are valid human beings with feelings And their complex little beings and their feelings matter And we were taught the kids were to be seen and not heard

[00:27:43] What damaging things that we taught kids Growing up when we were young And we're working through that stuff now You know or working through the reality of it So a few things about what determines your love language And how your background affects that

[00:28:02] Like I said there's a connection between what we crave and need And what our deficit was in childhood Or deficits in some cases And there are other factors that go into this as well Such as positive memories that might stand out when we receive the

[00:28:16] Love language as well So it might even be something that was good That may be for some reason left a good groove in our brain So to speak Or our natural traits that tend to push us more towards certain love languages

[00:28:29] I do believe that some people are more geared towards one naturally Than another based on their natural makeup But the factors that go into determining your love language are complex And what happened in our childhood And especially unmet areas of need Will help determine our love language

[00:28:46] But it is important to note That we can't have more than one love language I said that before And what might be stronger over time Might also change over time based on new experiences Having those in need Man or maybe having other needs

[00:29:02] Not man to a greater degree And love languages aren't an absolute But they are a framework of understanding ourself's better Okay? So the next thing that we were going to talk about Was how your love language is your deepest insecurity Now that's a double-edged sword

[00:29:19] Because it's also your deepest point of safety It's when you get that you feel the safest You feel the most connected That fight or flight tends to come down And your parasympathetic nervous system Your vagus nerve kicks in

[00:29:36] And that's the part that calms you, that's the part that sues you And slows all of that stuff down Right? So in psychology today there's an article And it talks about how your love language can be Your deepest insecurity

[00:29:52] So I want to help you to see the connection between that concept And what determines your love language And so those tend to be our patterns Those are our patterns overall Not just patterns with love languages If we didn't get what we needed Often our primary love language

[00:30:12] Then it makes sense that that would also be our greatest vulnerability If we're overlooked or mistreated in that area It's going to affect us more than somebody else More than if more than if you know we get overlooked or mistreated So to speak in another area

[00:30:29] Does that make sense? So if gifts are really important to you If your husband or your wife forgets to give you a gift for your birthday It's going to hurt your feelings a lot more Maybe somebody else

[00:30:41] Who would rather go out and have own quality time with their spouse So you see people have preferences That's why it's good to find out The people you're close to What they need and what they want

[00:30:53] And don't give them what they need and want based on what you think they need or want Or what you need or want Give them what they need or want based on what they say they need or want And it's sad how many people don't see the difference

[00:31:07] And it is so important And I mean I fall short I fall short But it's good to be aware of that because that can help so much This is a college today article This one is by Cody Commerce He's a PhD student

[00:31:25] And so he says there are two main states of Chapman's model That's the love languages The first is that there are different love languages And we know what those are The second is that each person has a primary love language

[00:31:39] That means the means through which they most directly feel loved One person might hear a lot about hearing that they're doing a good job Words of affirmation Where another might care more about knowing someone carved out time with their busy day to spend time with them Quality time

[00:31:54] While everyone is going to appreciate any positive act directed their way to some extent Love languages are a good way to put your finger on what's going to matter most One misconception it says About love language is that there about how a person expresses love

[00:32:12] While you make certainly think about them in this way Chapman goes on in pains in his book to stress that there about a way of person feels loved The point is not to figure out how you most conveniently and effortlessly express love

[00:32:27] But how to make your partner and you know, I hate that they keep just talking about your partner But this could be anybody in your life How to make them feel the most valued If such a mismatch between love languages that goes unidentified

[00:32:40] If there's such a mismatch it can be a major source of tension in a relationship And then sometimes people don't even know why right? And then it says when what makes your partner feel most valued doesn't come naturally to you

[00:32:53] Simply having a label to put on that discrepancy can make an improvement because you're aware of it And then it says but there's another thing which has gone underappreciated about love languages

[00:33:04] It's a sort of corollary to Chapman's model and it says your primary love language is not only the most direct way To make you feel loved, it's also your biggest vulnerability It's where you are most exposed for someone to hurt you

[00:33:20] Take touch for instance, touches relatively low on my personal ranking This is the writer of love languages That means that touch simply does not matter all that much to me If someone I love expresses their feelings through touch then I'm unlikely to be as sensitive to it

[00:33:36] As if they did so through quality time, my primary love language But flip on the flip side is that but the flip side is that it's difficult to make me uncomfortable through touch If someone I don't know gets overly touchy it's not especially unpleasant for me

[00:33:54] If someone if it isn't something that I'm going to be circling back to throughout the day and marinating in un-easiness of the social interaction That's not true for people I know who touch is their primary language Unwanted touch makes them feel really disconcerited

[00:34:10] So they say they're much more sensitive about quality time And basically if somebody just overlooks them and doesn't spend any time with them that that will affect them more So you see how the lack of something can actually impact how somebody responds to something

[00:34:28] Now if you're trauma survivor You survived a lot of ACEs, adverse childhood experiences If you survived a lot of neglect emotional neglect especially or even physical neglect If you suffered from narcissistic abuse emotional abuse any of that on a stronger higher level

[00:34:47] And it impacted you more that's going to impact you even more So everybody even if they're not a trauma survivor will be impacted if somebody somehow neglects or harms unintentionally or intentionally And their love language category But for people that are trauma survivors is amplified even more

[00:35:07] So being aware of that being sensitive to that in yourself And if you have people that you love and you know their love language Whether they are a trauma survivor or not Being sensitive to that in them can be so helpful

[00:35:19] It can be so helpful for making them feel safe and for adding solidarity and safety and connection to your relationship Okay, so a little bit about the next part A trauma informed approach to love languages what has safety got to do with it

[00:35:39] Well safety has everything to do with it Safety is everything when you're a trauma survivor Again physical safety is important But we're talking more here about emotional safety Because when you're a trauma survivor And you have a trigger that trigger is not in the present moment

[00:35:57] The trigger is from some point in the past And something similar to it triggered it now That's why being grounded in the present moment Remembering that you're a grown adult And remembering that it's something that happened in the past

[00:36:13] Helps you to come back to the here and now And that's why safety is so important So there's an article called Move Over Love languages And it's also in Helpfline It's in Helpfline that it's called Move Over Love languages Do you know you're route to safety

[00:36:32] And it says according to this expert, these trauma informed love languages Can lead to deeper connections So understanding your love language is also a route to safety If you're a trauma survivor And grounding and rooting and safety is what almost all trauma survival

[00:36:51] Healing exercises and practices is all about Or it's about releasing things that make you feel unsafe So it's either going towards safety or it's about letting go of things that make you feel unsafe In the body, remember trauma is rooted in your nervous system

[00:37:07] So you need to go back to the source and your nervous system To help it to come out to release it to heal So knowing your love language and knowing these routes to safety

[00:37:17] And knowing which ones are the strongest for you is actually going to help you to heal Okay? So in this article I'm going to read a couple of things here to help sort of solidify this And then we'll talk about it in just a second

[00:37:35] Okay, so it says four those who have experienced trauma Or other painful experiences in their life Safety with others is one of the keys to feeling more human More connected, right? And this article by The Way is by Gabrielle Smith, Gabrielle Smith

[00:37:52] And this is helpful on and she says However, these experiences can often make it difficult to communicate with our loved ones Which can make it difficult to feel safe in the first place Asking for what we need when we're codependent is difficult

[00:38:07] But that's why we talk about speaking up, setting boundaries being healthy For somebody who's a codependent, especially if you've been raised in the Christian community And even more so if you're a woman and you've been raised with traditional, very conservative Christian values

[00:38:23] Being meek and mild and quiet and not speaking up Or probably things you've been taught And those are things that under certain circumstances Maybe not always, you need to learn to overcome them Because you need to be able to speak up

[00:38:37] You need to be able to advocate for yourself and other people And that doesn't mean you can't be meek or humble or quiet or calm It just means that there's a time and a place And if that's not who you are then that's not who you are, right?

[00:38:50] And so it says, so how can we reconnect and establish the sense of security? It says one way is through routes of safety model It's a tool created by Jake Ernst He's a therapist And a Toronto-based, he's a Toronto-based psychotherapist It's a polyvagal-based model

[00:39:10] Remember if you haven't, if you don't know what polyvagal is There are some YouTube videos and some podcast episodes I've done on polyvagal theory and the vagus nerve So Google those And you can get some more context on what polyvagal is

[00:39:27] But basically the polyvagal nerve is a nerve that runs through your whole body And it runs a lot of the systems in your body But it also is that part of your body that brings you out of fight or flight It slows you down, it calms you down

[00:39:40] It's your safety center in your nervous system basically Okay, but it says he uses a polyvagal nerve It's a polyvagal-based model Meaning it addresses the state of our nervous system As a key part of our mental health And then he has this chart here

[00:39:57] It's like a bubble with a bunch of lines coming out of it Looks like a sun with the little rays But the different types of routes of safety are common humanity Interguidance, structure and certainty Sensory experiences, quality relationship Protective measures, closeness and proximity And private retreat

[00:40:23] So those are the eight routes of safety in his model that he came up with And keep in mind that a lot of these you can find in your relationship with God And there are a lot of ways you can do all of these

[00:40:35] But it says in acknowledging safety as an essential part of intimacy And in examining how our environment affects our sense of safety Aren't police we can deepen our connection with others And then he created the routes of safety model to help others

[00:40:50] Understand how we get to an access safety So it says what are the routes of safety and how can they aid relationships There are eight different ones I just listed them And they come from three overarching categories I encourage you to read these charts

[00:41:07] Because it'll help you see it visually And then you can get a better idea of what they have How they're organized and stuff I'm not going to read all this But I just want to give you an idea Three overarching categories or pathways

[00:41:20] That can help us understand the needs of ourselves and others To understand your own routes of safety Begin by asking yourself And then it has a chart And it lists all eight of them It says what pathway they are And then it gives an example of them

[00:41:38] I'm not going to read all that because that's a lot But let me just read the routes again in the pathway of each one Now there are three pathways Self-resourced So the self inner self self-resourced Socialized sourced so it's with other people Other things other entities

[00:41:56] And action oriented Action oriented So those are the three pathways that all eight of these Are categorized under one of those per route of safety Okay, does that make sense? So for example, inner guidance That could be devotions That could be praying That could be meditating

[00:42:16] That could be reflection Or journaling But that's self-resourced And this is not religiously based So you can also say that this comes from God We believe as Christians that our inner guidance is Christ The Holy Spirit and God Especially the Holy Spirit inside of us

[00:42:35] Self-resourced meaning it's SS primarily within oneself The next one is sensory experience That is based on your physical experience That's part of the healing journey of trauma That self-resourced Private retreat Which is you know if you're doing a lot of this You're doing this on your own

[00:42:52] But it isn't necessarily just doing practice It might be curled up with a book In a quiet room On a Sunday afternoon when it's raining That's a private retreat That's also self-resourced That can also be healing The next one, the socially sourced ones Our quality relationships

[00:43:10] Closeness and proximity And common humanity So it depends on connecting with others in that case Quality relationships are Maybe the connection you have with your mom Or having a significant other Or having pets like your cat Your dog, your bird or it could be friends

[00:43:29] It could be people like church If you go to church It could be so many different places Closeness and proximity is also socially sourced And that one's a little bit different Because relationships are close The close people in our lives Closeness and proximity

[00:43:47] Doesn't necessarily have to be a relationship But it can be because some people like Deren Covid I would go somewhere just to be around people And it make me feel better I never talked to anybody You're interacting with anybody But just being

[00:44:00] I was so isolated just being around people Was helpful So Closeness and proximity Being around that can be regulating to your nervous system And then the last one common humanity That could be being seen in her Not being judged Maybe having a common cause Or a common belief

[00:44:17] I would say that there's a lot of that at church Even though some churches fall short In that area too But it's having common experiences with other people In general Maybe it's a group of people that have a common belief Or on purpose for example

[00:44:33] If you go out and help homeless people It might be connecting with that community And with the people you work with for example It doesn't have to be that Expressed though It can be more subtle than that as well Protective measures and structure And certainty are action oriented

[00:44:51] Routs of safety Protective measures and structures And certainty So protective measures might be setting a boundary It comes from a tangible action or change though It might be defending someone or someone Defending you It might be setting a kindly and loving boundary To protect yourself

[00:45:11] Or to protect somebody else even If you see somebody being mistreated And you speak up That is a protective measure If someone says can you come to this party for I do not and you are so burnt out You can barely get out of bed

[00:45:23] And you are like no I am sorry I can't That is a protective measure It is not necessarily that somebody is trying to hurt you But you have to do what you know You get what I am saying Structure and certainty is action oriented

[00:45:35] And that is like having a consistent routine Having agency Assence of mastery in one's life Financial security Solutions to a problem Scheduling planning Golds predictability And while it is good to remain flexible Structure and certainty are so helpful For trauma survivors Especially having a regular practice for example

[00:45:59] So I am not going to keep going through these I have been talking about this for a while Thank you for bearing with me But I just wanted you to see these On paths to healing And why did I share this with you

[00:46:12] Well it shows you that there is a good list Of practices for healing And these are very similar to the love languages One may resonate more with you than another And then in another time you might need something else

[00:46:26] And so staying in tune with yourself and what you need is important And the people that you love the same thing Sometimes it is best just to ask them straight up What can I do to help? What do you need here? Would it be more helpful?

[00:46:37] Maybe they had some kind of let down or disappointment Or something Some kind of loss You could be like what do you want right now? Do you want to just sit in front of the TV And meet just cuddle

[00:46:48] Or would it be, do you want to go get something to eat? Do you want to go out and have a fun But not sinful? I don't want to tell them to forget about things That's the kind of things that you can ask

[00:46:59] Your partner or your friend or whoever To help them, right? You know, can I get you something that kind of thing? But all love languages can be good for everyone To express, give and receive And all of those strategies can be good for everyone

[00:47:13] But what works best for you Will probably be certain ones more than others And that might change over time And what types of trauma you experience Or experienced? Whether you experience childhood neglect And then the types of ways you might Have, not had your needs met

[00:47:31] Will determine which of these paths of safety Work best for you So go with what works for you Don't be afraid to explore new ones There's a combination of structure, predictability, Experimentation and flexibility in your practice So you see how all this connects

[00:47:49] Try to incorporate some from each category Self-sourced, social and structure Into your routine in some way So I would say just try to have some balance For example, do-in self-sourced stuff And never interacting with other people Is not healthy all the time

[00:48:05] Even if you're an introvert like me You need to get out and interact with healthy, safe other people And if you tend to not have any kind of structure in your life Even a little bit of structure can be helpful It doesn't have to be rigid

[00:48:19] It might be just some kind of grounding Or some kind of certainty that you can give yourself Because trauma there can be so much uncertainty And your emotions and things going on in your life And if you have chronic conditions

[00:48:31] Like me you never know when they're going to flare up And that causes anxiety And so staying grounded And for me staying busy can be helpful But it's also important to slow down and feel What's going on in your body and be in touch with yourself

[00:48:46] So you find that balance So try to incorporate a little bit of all three It's important to note that time with God Can be all three of these Depending on the way you spend time with God in prayer Meditation, journaling, devotions, reading, scripture

[00:49:01] Going to church, singing, praise and worship Acts of service Those are all worship right Though they can also be paths of safety Now we do serve God to serve God Because we love God And we love humanity and we serve people

[00:49:18] But doing these and they're healing at the same time Can also be therapeutic There are people that get too caught up There are people that serve until they burn themselves out And that's why if you balance these You know when to back off and say no I'm sorry

[00:49:32] I can't do that and you have to take a break Or when you've been the chair of this board in church For six years and it's time to step down Or when you feel called by God To do something that you haven't done in a while

[00:49:45] Whatever the case may be So a little bit more about how this comes together There's an article in Brickle and Associates There are a therapy They do therapy Brickle, there are articles though It talks about why safety is essential

[00:50:06] And I just wanted to read a couple of paragraphs about why safety is essential And how trauma can create barriers to that And then that's all the more reason why safety is essential So let me read that real quick

[00:50:21] And that will kind of wrap up everything that I'm talking about here Why safety is essential So this is like I said by Brickle and Associates And this is written by Robin Brickle And she is a therapist in this practice

[00:50:41] So she says why safety essential especially for trauma survivors Humans are wired for connection We all long to be loved and cared for and know we are supported in life We nurture connection in ways we express ourselves The love language is sound like a good concept

[00:50:58] For nurturing a healthy relationship except for one thing Love languages can work only when assuming that both partners Or people's brains are able to clearly calmly And online function right? So this is often not the case for trauma survivors who frequently exist in a state of alarm

[00:51:14] They are living with a traumatized nervous system And survival impulses have hijacked their brain Our injuries do not occur in a vacuum It says and this is a quote by Ariel Schwartz that she's quoting It says our injuries do not occur in a vacuum

[00:51:30] So our healing cannot occur in one ether Our hurts and losses need to be repaired interpersonally We cannot heal alone And that's by Ariel Schwartz She's one of the leading experts on healing trauma I've actually used a lot of her sources in the podcast here

[00:51:47] I love her work But she says this is back to Brickle She says trauma creates barriers to using love languages Many trauma survivors feel wary about love languages Trusting them or using them can feel too risky Without a foundation of safety inside themselves and in the relationship

[00:52:05] Any of the love languages, affirmation, physical touch, etc Can be memory triggers for many times they felt endangered and manipulated They can signal threats to a trauma survivor if a basis of trust and safety Has not been established and healing has not occurred

[00:52:23] This is why compliments are hard for trauma survivors to accept Without safety even compliments can feel threatening It might be like you feel good but there's also some Eiki uncomfortable feeling you have to. I've been there, I know

[00:52:37] It says trauma survivors often view relationships through a lens that evaluates the risk of danger Because of that fight or fight you're always in As they do most things prior to healing Even if the relationship's are actually safe The trauma survivor's nervous system is biased to see danger

[00:52:55] It takes time and work for trauma survivors to learn to be present in these relationships And know their safe And she says my colleague Heather Tuba does incredible work supporting partners of trauma survivors And then she gives some resources there

[00:53:13] So first you have to establish safety in the moment She says for trauma survivors experiencing safety in a relationship requires the ability To be in the present in order to actually derive comfort and joy from the relationship And it goes into more detail about that

[00:53:33] And she says recognizing safety takes work Emotional safety in a relationship looks like And she lists a lot of different things that it might be Being able to talk openly to each other and not feel overwhelmingly anxious Or knowing you will be hurt

[00:53:50] And she has a bunch of them here Noticing if each other is uncomfortable or triggered Knowing your loved ones triggers and them knowing yours and so on Trauma survivors is their safety in your current relationship And their questions she asks has you asked yourself here

[00:54:06] And then safe relationships make healing possible And she quotes another expert, Harval Hendrix I've also heard of their work But they say we are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship And we can be healed in relationship

[00:54:23] And so it is if safety is not present in your current relationship She's got an article you can read So basically you need to feel safe in a relationship To be able to practice these things And that's why the healing is so important to have good relationships

[00:54:39] And why good relationships are so important to healing Once that are safe and loving So that's just a little bit more about how all this comes together So how can you be responsive to others and how can you get what you need through the love languages?

[00:54:54] How can you be responsive to others and how can you get what you need through the love languages? So the key for trauma survivors is safety Safety in relationships Safety in expressing themselves Safety in giving and safety in receiving through the love languages And in loving one another

[00:55:13] Loving ourselves and loving other people who have been hurt in the past And even in loving ourselves We need to keep the love languages What are our tend to be what other people tend to be in mind And that's why communication is so important as well

[00:55:28] So keep in mind again, this isn't just romantic relationships It can be any kind of friendship, family relationship Anything of course you want to make sure that those are safe If you're around somebody who's abusive and they cut you down all the time

[00:55:43] Or maybe they're even physically abusive or sexually abusive Get the hell away from those people I'll say it again for give my French but get the hell out If so your physical safety in the immediate

[00:55:56] Now is in any way in question you need to get out of that If you're being sexually abused in any way, you need to get out of that If it's a situation where it's a little tricky I understand this a little more complicated than that

[00:56:08] I've been in a lot of those myself And if you're in a safe relationship This is especially important to be able to To be able to know these love languages into You know, you don't have to know everything about everybody

[00:56:22] But just knowing one love language for somebody that you love And knowing the kinds of things that mean something to them Maybe maybe your sister You have a safe healthy relationship with your sister And she loves gifts and you know that she collects She collects Faberjx

[00:56:41] So when you go on a travel you go to a gift shop And you always get her a Faberjx That will make her feel loved and appreciate it Or maybe she's the kind of person that wants you to spend time with her

[00:56:51] And she lives one town over so you meet And get coffee for an hour every two weeks You see what I'm saying Based on what means to her or to him Whatever their love language is So how does all this come together?

[00:57:05] How does all this come together at the end? Why have we talked about love languages? Well, love languages. What do they look like for trauma survivors? They are paths of safety They are actual concrete practices that help you to heal In the body and in the mind

[00:57:21] We've talked about what the love languages are We talked about why love languages are important For trauma survivors especially How there can be more pronounced By what determines our love language based on adverse childhood And in some cases, positive childhood experiences

[00:57:39] We talked about how your love language is your deepest insecurity But also your deepest contact of safety So that's why knowing it and knowing how to practice it Can be helpful when you're triggered especially but any time And how a trauma informed approach to love languages is important

[00:57:56] And what safety has to do with it And so let me talk about the safety model Because I think safety is one of the most important concepts in trauma healing So I may have a podcast episode at some point in the future Or a YouTube on safety

[00:58:11] Because I think that's that important So and then we talk about how you can be responsive to others And your self and how you can get what you need Through love languages and through those paths of safety

[00:58:22] So I encourage you to especially review the articles with those charts I'll put the own articles in the show notes But thank you so much for going on this journey with me And thank you so much for listening I hope this has been helpful for you

[00:58:37] I hope this has helped you to think about trauma surviving And love languages in a new way A new way to harness and utilize love languages to help you heal Get Gary Chapman's book and just read it if you haven't It's a good book

[00:58:51] Like I said, I don't necessarily agree with everything he writes or talks about But I think there's a lot of good ideas in there And it's been a privilege talking to you and listening to you And this is episode 16 of season three of Christian emotional recovery

[00:59:06] And this has been what's the connection between love languages and healing trauma Thank you so much for listening, remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God loves you Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode Of Christian emotional recovery Hosted by Rachel LaRoy

[00:59:26] For links to this week's resources And to join the discussion, check out this episodes Show notes at christianimotionalrecovery.com Where you can also find links to our YouTube channel and Facebook group Join our email list and get other episodes and resources

[00:59:44] If you enjoyed the podcast, please rate and review the podcast And tell a friend who may benefit from this message See you next time And remember beloveds, God loves you And you are fearfully and wonderfully made