Episode 11 Season 4: How to Heal Trauma Without Blaming Yourself

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, beloveds, and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, a podcast for those who are survivors

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: This podcast is hosted by Rachel Leroy, a college professor and trauma survivor.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Many of us spend years trying to heal and don't get anywhere.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: We don't always target the trauma itself, which is so often what keeps us stuck.

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: This podcast is where faith meets science.

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Rachel is an emotional healing expert with 20 years of experience applying healing modalities

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_00]: that helped her start making progress after nothing else worked.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_00]: She'll show you how to do the same.

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Each week we'll cover a topic that will show you how to heal trauma for good.

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Please check out our website and show notes at ChristianEmotionalRecovery.com

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and join the Facebook community, Trauma Survivors Unite, Christian Emotional Recovery.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_01]: Hello everyone and welcome to Christian Emotional Recovery, the podcast.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host Rachel Leroy and this is Season 4, Episode 11 of the podcast.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_01]: So we're moving into the mid-season of this particular year.

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_01]: This episode is called How to heal trauma without blaming yourself.

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_01]: How to heal trauma without blaming yourself.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01]: And this idea came to me when I was meditating this morning because I was doing a meditation

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_01]: with Lisa Romano called It's Not Your Fault and one thing, I'm also in a membership group

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_01]: called Nate Wrights.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Nate Wrights is the website anyway.

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_01]: And one thing that Nate emphasizes, he's a trauma survivor himself

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and he knows a thing or two about trauma healing.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_01]: You might have even seen him on Facebook.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_01]: But one thing that stood out to me that he talks about in his live streams in the membership

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_01]: is the fact that the most healing thing that we can have

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_01]: is to witness our own experiences and validate them

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and to know that what happened to us was not our fault.

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_01]: And so it may sound like something that's obvious to a lot of people,

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_01]: but to a lot of other people it may not be so obvious.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what we're going to talk about today.

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to get into it too much yet.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: But so in this episode we'll talk about even though it's intellectually true,

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_01]: we know that it's not our fault if we survived trauma or narcissistic abuse

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_01]: or childhood emotional neglect or emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse,

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_01]: any kind of mistreatment or adverse childhood experiences.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_01]: We know intellectually that those things are not our fault,

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_01]: but sometimes we can be so early on the healing path.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_01]: We may not even know that intellectually,

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_01]: but to know it in your bones is a different thing.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_01]: So we're going to talk about that.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to talk about why any kind of abuse that you experience

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_01]: is not your fault, any kind.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_01]: There is no but, no ifs ands or buts, that you are enough.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to talk about the issue of blame and how to deal with that.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to talk about like I said, is abuse ever our fault?

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: The answer is no.

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Is trauma ever our fault?

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: The answer is no.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: We're then going to talk about ownership and accountability.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't like the word responsibility because that almost makes it sound like

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_01]: the trauma that was given to us that we never asked for was somehow

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_01]: something that we caused.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Now it sucks because trauma is something that we were given

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: and nobody asked our permission or asked us that we wanted to deal with

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_01]: the consequences of that.

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_01]: And it's so unfair and it sucks and we're going to talk about that.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: But then we're going to talk about ways to be more productive

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and to remind yourself over and over and over again that it's not your fault

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and that that's not the same thing as taking accountability of your healing

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: process, that even though it's unfair, the reality is that you do need

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_01]: to take accountability of your healing process.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what we're going to talk about in this episode.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: And before we get into that, please remember that I have a newsletter.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_01]: If you'd like to subscribe, go check out Cr-

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_01]: RachelLeroy.com.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_01]: That's R-A-C-H-E-L-L-E-R-O-Y.com.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_01]: RachelLeroy.com.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_01]: And you'll see different features there, one of which is sign up for the email list.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I have been trying to get email newsletters out a little more frequently.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to try to as often as I can.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I can't always do it monthly but I'm going to try to do it around that amount of time

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: every few weeks.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_01]: And then also if you're interested in the YouTube channel,

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I am starting to put out new YouTubes for this year.

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_01]: And it's been a little slow because of health problems but you can check out the

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_01]: new ones that I've put out on the YouTube channel.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Just hit the subscribe bell so you get notifications for any that come in.

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_01]: You can also look at the stuff that's already been posted there

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and keep in mind that the YouTube channel has a lot of stuff that's exclusive

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_01]: to the YouTube channel and is not on the regular podcast.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: So keep that in mind.

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_01]: It's also more material you can cover in between podcasts being released.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_01]: And lastly, make sure you subscribe to the get the free resource on the Acorn

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Technique and I will be doing another video on how to use the Acorn Technique

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_01]: to process another difficult emotion.

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_01]: We've talked about some like anxiety and anger and we're going to talk

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_01]: about some others as well.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay?

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_01]: So also if you'd like to support the podcast it is so appreciated.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: What I do is an absolute joy.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_01]: You're not obligated in any way.

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_01]: The podcast in the YouTube channel and the Facebook group will always be free.

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_01]: But I am going to be putting out paid content as well to help continue

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_01]: the growth of the podcast and the platform and to help continue to be able

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_01]: to do this work and pay for the free parts because that does cost money.

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_01]: And if you would like to help me help other trauma survivors,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: please feel free to donate at Patreon or at Co-Fi Patreon.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_01]: You can subscribe monthly.

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: There's no obligation.

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_01]: You can stop at any time and Co-Fi you can make a one time donation.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: You can go check out both of those links and the links to all that I've just talked

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: about in the show notes.

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_01]: So check that out.

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_01]: How to heal trauma without blaming yourself.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: So that may seem obvious to a lot of us that may be further on the healing path,

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: but if you're newer to the healing path or if you are someone who was abused

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_01]: in a way where you were constantly blamed for things or you were taught

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_01]: that there was something wrong with you intrinsically or that you were

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: not enough.

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I was taught that growing up.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I know how that feels.

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm still working on to this day how to heal all of that junk in my mind.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I've made so much progress and I have so much further to go.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_01]: So if you're on that healing path, be encouraged.

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_01]: You can make amazing progress, but it is a lifetime commitment

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and it is something that you continue to do over a lifetime,

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_01]: but you do make major strides of progress that you can see

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_01]: and sometimes that you can even measure.

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_01]: So when it comes to healing without blaming ourselves,

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_01]: the first thing I wanted to talk about is that even though we know intellectually

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not true that if someone abused us, neglected us,

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_01]: someone emotionally abused us, someone physically or sexually abused us,

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_01]: someone did not take care of us like we should have been.

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_01]: If we were just in an adverse childhood situation and maybe

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_01]: our friends had better childhoods and they also have easier lives now.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying their lives are easy, but I'm saying that maybe they haven't had to deal

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_01]: with a lot of the struggles with trauma other than the struggles of just regular life

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_01]: that a lot of us have had to deal with.

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_01]: And if that's the case then it's easy to blame yourself.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know why we are wired this way,

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_01]: but when those kinds of things happen to us,

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_01]: we begin to internalize blame and believe not that something that happened

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_01]: to us was wrong, but that there's something wrong with us.

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_01]: It becomes something wrong with me.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_01]: And part of it is because we don't have the capacity to understand otherwise

[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and there's shame because on some level we know that what has been done to us is wrong

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_01]: and if we didn't have anybody telling us otherwise that was stronger,

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_01]: the message was stronger and somebody told us implicitly or explicitly

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_01]: that we weren't worth their time, that we were worthless,

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that we were a burden, that what we did was stupid or dumb,

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_01]: that we weren't allowed to have our emotions or express those,

[00:08:34] [SPEAKER_01]: that our feelings were not valid, that our needs were not valid,

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_01]: whatever the case may be.

[00:08:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Or if we even heard actively hurtful things said to us like you're worthless,

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_01]: you're stupid, you're dumb, I wish you'd never been born,

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I wish you would die, things like that, horrible things

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_01]: that some of us even had to endure or everything you do is dumb

[00:08:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and you get the idea.

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I grew up and there was one person in my life that did that really wholeheartedly

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and they enjoyed it.

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_01]: It sounds like so bad that who the heck would do that to a child but

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_01]: it did happen, it does happen to people and it is real

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and there are people that get enjoyment out of it

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and I also dealt with a lot of emotional neglect,

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of your feelings aren't valid,

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of just getting overlooked and ignored, not being protected.

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_01]: All you have to do is not protect a child and that can cause trauma.

[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_01]: To consistently not validate a child is emotional neglect

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and a lot of times it's not malicious,

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_01]: there were people in my life that caused harm

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and I don't think they were being malicious

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_01]: and then there were some that were being malicious

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_01]: so it was some of both.

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_01]: But basically what I'm saying is if we know it intellectually is not true

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_01]: that trauma abuse and neglect is not our fault

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_01]: that doesn't mean we understand it viscerally on a body level.

[00:09:54] [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I'm always talking about healing trauma at the body level,

[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_01]: letting it come in up and out of our neural network

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and releasing it out of our nervous system

[00:10:04] [SPEAKER_01]: because even when intellectually we're not consciously aware of things

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_01]: we literally feel those emotions in our bodies

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_01]: when those kinds of issues come up

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_01]: or when the people that triggered those issues

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_01]: and those reactions are there

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_01]: or when they say something or when they do something

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_01]: or when something similar happens.

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't even have to be every person that ever hurt you could be gone on

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_01]: beyond this life they could have gone on

[00:10:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and you would still have things that would allow that to come up

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_01]: because trauma is in the brain

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and it's in the body and it's visceral and it's energy

[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and so a large component of it is that

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_01]: and so there's a part of us in our bodies

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_01]: that believes there's something that was our fault

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_01]: that we did something wrong

[00:10:48] [SPEAKER_01]: that there's something intrinsically worthless or flawed about us.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_01]: At the very least we believe that there's something intrinsically flawed about us

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and we'll have a sense of core unworthiness

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and so that is different than knowing intellectually

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_01]: that what happened to you was not your fault

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_01]: but do you know it in your body?

[00:11:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Have you reclaimed your healing

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and your peace and your worthiness

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_01]: and your validation in your body

[00:11:16] [SPEAKER_01]: and that's why one of the most healing things

[00:11:19] [SPEAKER_01]: that we can do is to know two things.

[00:11:22] [SPEAKER_01]: One, if you were ever abused under any circumstances

[00:11:25] [SPEAKER_01]: no matter what they are

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not your fault.

[00:11:29] [SPEAKER_01]: There are no ifs, there are no ands, there are no buts, there are no exceptions.

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_01]: If you were abused

[00:11:35] [SPEAKER_01]: then that is your abuser

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and that is them alone and that is completely and totally on them.

[00:11:43] [SPEAKER_01]: And I am aware that there are some people that are insufferable

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_01]: and they're with somebody who's an abuser

[00:11:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and there may be two abusers together

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and one person may provoke another one

[00:11:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and they may abuse each other in some cases.

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I still, I know there are people that may not agree with this

[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_01]: but I still believe that that does not render

[00:12:01] [SPEAKER_01]: or justify the other person abusing that person

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_01]: no matter how insufferable they are.

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_01]: We all make mistakes, we all lose our cool

[00:12:08] [SPEAKER_01]: we all say things that we shouldn't

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_01]: and you know we're human

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_01]: but if you do something really really bad

[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_01]: really really harmful

[00:12:17] [SPEAKER_01]: or if there's a repeated pattern

[00:12:20] [SPEAKER_01]: of certain kinds of mistreatment or abuse

[00:12:23] [SPEAKER_01]: then that is where there's a problem

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_01]: but regardless of what happened to you

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_01]: if you were abused

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_01]: if you were emotionally neglected

[00:12:31] [SPEAKER_01]: if you had adverse childhood experiences

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_01]: if you had a single or a large series of traumatic events

[00:12:37] [SPEAKER_01]: that rewired your brain for trauma

[00:12:39] [SPEAKER_01]: if you were sexually abused

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_01]: if you were emotionally abused or neglected

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_01]: if you had a narcissist in your life

[00:12:47] [SPEAKER_01]: who played mind games with you

[00:12:50] [SPEAKER_01]: no matter what it is

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_01]: if you were manipulated or gaslit

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not your fault

[00:12:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll say it again

[00:12:57] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not your fault

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_01]: but what if I provoke them

[00:13:01] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not your fault

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_01]: there's thunder out there

[00:13:06] [SPEAKER_01]: so you may hear some thunder in the background

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm kind of glad, I love storms

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_01]: but anyway I want you to know

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_01]: that it is not your fault

[00:13:15] [SPEAKER_01]: is there a caveat to it is not your fault?

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_01]: no, there's no caveat, there's no catch

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_01]: if you were abused it is not your fault

[00:13:23] [SPEAKER_01]: now that's different than blame

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and victim mentality

[00:13:27] [SPEAKER_01]: there are people that are scared to even say

[00:13:30] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not my fault that this happened to me

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't do anything wrong

[00:13:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm downplaying what actually happened to me

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm being overly dramatic

[00:13:39] [SPEAKER_01]: there are people that think that when they're not

[00:13:41] [SPEAKER_01]: and it took me years and years

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm still working on that

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_01]: that I still sometimes doubt my own

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_01]: the extent of my own abuse that I experienced

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I still doubt

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_01]: and sometimes unconsciously and unintentionally

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and without malice

[00:13:54] [SPEAKER_01]: invalidate my own experience

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_01]: and so that's why it's so important

[00:13:58] [SPEAKER_01]: to bring it to the light

[00:13:59] [SPEAKER_01]: to not downplay it

[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_01]: to see it for what it is

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_01]: to tell the full truth of it

[00:14:05] [SPEAKER_01]: and to witness and validate what happened to you

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_01]: over and over and over

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_01]: and over and over again

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and to remind yourself again and again

[00:14:14] [SPEAKER_01]: and again and again

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not my fault

[00:14:17] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not your fault

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not my fault

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not my fault

[00:14:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and to also remind yourself

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I am enough

[00:14:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ

[00:14:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I am acceptable

[00:14:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and lovable and valid

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_01]: and worth something in of myself

[00:14:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have to do or be anything

[00:14:37] [SPEAKER_01]: for that worth to be changed

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_01]: God loves me no matter what

[00:14:40] [SPEAKER_01]: those are things that are

[00:14:42] [SPEAKER_01]: unconditional and nothing should be attached

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_01]: to those, no conditions, no nothing

[00:14:46] [SPEAKER_01]: it was not your fault

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_01]: you are enough

[00:14:50] [SPEAKER_01]: it is not your fault

[00:14:52] [SPEAKER_01]: you are enough

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_01]: it was not your fault

[00:14:55] [SPEAKER_01]: you are enough

[00:14:57] [SPEAKER_01]: now let's talk about blame

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_01]: let's compartmentalize this

[00:15:00] [SPEAKER_01]: blame and victim mentality

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_01]: are a separate thing

[00:15:04] [SPEAKER_01]: and that's why when you get abused

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and manipulated especially if you're a child

[00:15:10] [SPEAKER_01]: and you don't have a foundation

[00:15:11] [SPEAKER_01]: of a healthy relationship with God

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and with life and with yourself

[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and with other people that are healthy

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_01]: then you start

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_01]: this stuff starts to get muddled up

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and again if you get confused

[00:15:22] [SPEAKER_01]: about the difference between blame

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and downplaying something

[00:15:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and being a victim

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and trying not to be a victim

[00:15:29] [SPEAKER_01]: that's not your fault either

[00:15:31] [SPEAKER_01]: it's confusing at first because you've been brainwashed to believe things

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_01]: that are not your fault

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_01]: are your fault

[00:15:37] [SPEAKER_01]: you've been brainwashed to believe that you've done something

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_01]: to deserve things that you never deserve to happen to you

[00:15:42] [SPEAKER_01]: and that you don't deserve things that you do deserve to happen to you that are good

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_01]: so I want you to know

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_01]: that those things get turned around

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_01]: and twisted and turned upside down

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and you'll downplay even when you acknowledge

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_01]: the abuse that happened to you

[00:15:56] [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of times the people around you downplayed it

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_01]: either maliciously or

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_01]: because they were miseducated as well

[00:16:02] [SPEAKER_01]: or some combination of those things

[00:16:04] [SPEAKER_01]: and so you internalize that

[00:16:06] [SPEAKER_01]: because the people around you told you to think that

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and so yes, you will think

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_01]: it's my fault

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_01]: or it's partly my fault

[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_01]: or even if it wasn't my fault

[00:16:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm worthless

[00:16:16] [SPEAKER_01]: or just any combination of those is so harmful

[00:16:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and so not true and such a lie from the devil

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_01]: even the bible talks about

[00:16:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Satan being the accuser

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_01]: the accuser feels you with

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_01]: shame, he feels you without

[00:16:30] [SPEAKER_01]: he makes you invalidate yourself

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_01]: he makes you think you're guilty for things you're not guilty

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_01]: of the whole core

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_01]: of Satan's identity that he puts

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_01]: on us is shame and shame

[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_01]: is the most heinous, most brutal

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_01]: most unfair

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_01]: most harmful

[00:16:47] [SPEAKER_01]: experience and emotion in the

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_01]: human condition when it comes to emotions

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_01]: it comes from those deep

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_01]: seated wounds where we believe we're worthless

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_01]: where we believe we're unworthy

[00:16:56] [SPEAKER_01]: where we believe that

[00:16:58] [SPEAKER_01]: nothing really happened to us

[00:17:00] [SPEAKER_01]: where we believe that we're over exaggerating

[00:17:02] [SPEAKER_01]: where we believe that there's something wrong with us

[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_01]: where we believe it was our fault

[00:17:06] [SPEAKER_01]: where we believe we're not worthy

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_01]: but you are worthy it wasn't your fault

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_01]: you didn't do anything to deserve it

[00:17:12] [SPEAKER_01]: you didn't do anything to deserve it

[00:17:14] [SPEAKER_01]: any more than anybody who was born

[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_01]: in a beautiful and wonderful and loving

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_01]: and caring home deserve to have that

[00:17:20] [SPEAKER_01]: every child deserves to have that

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_01]: no exceptions, you're not an exception

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_01]: there's nothing wrong with you

[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_01]: you're not to blame

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_01]: and you're not on the healing

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_01]: journey like you should be

[00:17:31] [SPEAKER_01]: you're exactly where you should be

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_01]: there's nothing wrong with you

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_01]: if you're working on yourself and you're doing

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_01]: healing work and you're struggling that's part

[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_01]: of the process that's normal that's okay

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_01]: and there's nothing wrong with you even

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_01]: if you're struggling in this process

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_01]: and in this thing called life

[00:17:46] [SPEAKER_01]: there are still complete areas of my life

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have figured out

[00:17:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'll admit that I have struggled

[00:17:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and I have worked and I have tried

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_01]: and I have tried and I cannot make any

[00:17:57] [SPEAKER_01]: progress in these areas but you know what

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just now starting

[00:18:01] [SPEAKER_01]: to hear from God in a way

[00:18:03] [SPEAKER_01]: that is really getting through to me

[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_01]: that the fact that I for example

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_01]: have struggled financially that it's not

[00:18:09] [SPEAKER_01]: my fault, I'm not saying there's no choices

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_01]: I can make and nothing I can do to make it

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_01]: better, I'm saying that

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I was brainwashed by prosperity

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_01]: gospel by law of attraction

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_01]: by all that garbage that

[00:18:21] [SPEAKER_01]: cost me years and years of pain that

[00:18:23] [SPEAKER_01]: basically said if you're not making good

[00:18:25] [SPEAKER_01]: money if you're not successful

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_01]: if any of those things

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_01]: then that's your fault

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_01]: not you have partial

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_01]: say in it by making right

[00:18:35] [SPEAKER_01]: choices and having a good mindset

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_01]: that is true, okay

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_01]: that is true, your mindset

[00:18:41] [SPEAKER_01]: and your choices have a large

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_01]: role to play in the outcomes

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_01]: of your life and how much you heal

[00:18:47] [SPEAKER_01]: that is true, that is not the same thing

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_01]: as blame and I

[00:18:51] [SPEAKER_01]: am still working through all the brainwashing

[00:18:53] [SPEAKER_01]: of that stuff so if you believe any of that

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_01]: stuff I'm not telling you it's all bad

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not telling you not to believe it but please

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_01]: please be careful with the

[00:19:00] [SPEAKER_01]: prosperity gospel, please be careful

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_01]: with law of attraction, there is

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_01]: only so much to those that can

[00:19:06] [SPEAKER_01]: be true because at the end of the day

[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_01]: it's God's power that is sovereign

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_01]: it is God that is the power

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_01]: in the universe, I do believe and I

[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_01]: talked about this in one of the last episodes

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not contradicting myself here, I do

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_01]: believe that God put scientific

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and spiritual laws into practice

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_01]: that are part of the universe

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and we need to understand those and we need

[00:19:26] [SPEAKER_01]: to follow and accept those but

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_01]: but those

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_01]: that energy, those rules, those laws

[00:19:32] [SPEAKER_01]: in the universe are not God

[00:19:34] [SPEAKER_01]: God is God

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and God created the universe and God

[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_01]: made those rules

[00:19:40] [SPEAKER_01]: so there's a difference but

[00:19:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I wanted you to know that

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_01]: no matter what has happened to you, no matter

[00:19:46] [SPEAKER_01]: what anybody has said to you, you are

[00:19:48] [SPEAKER_01]: enough and it's not your fault

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_01]: but back to talking about blame

[00:19:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and victim mentality

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_01]: think we all get into that mode sometimes

[00:19:58] [SPEAKER_01]: where we kind of, I don't even like to

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_01]: use the term feel sorry for ourselves

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_01]: but we're in a place where we're kind of rehashing

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_01]: you know I'm not

[00:20:06] [SPEAKER_01]: going to judge because I've been there so many

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_01]: times where we're rehashing

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_01]: something and we're kind of spinning our wheels

[00:20:12] [SPEAKER_01]: in the mud and that

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_01]: it's normal to struggle

[00:20:16] [SPEAKER_01]: it's normal to take three steps

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_01]: forward and two steps back in the overall

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_01]: journey of moving forward it's normal

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_01]: to spin our wheels in the mud

[00:20:24] [SPEAKER_01]: it's normal to feel

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_01]: blocked, it's normal to feel like we're at a plateau

[00:20:28] [SPEAKER_01]: or a standstill and our healing

[00:20:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and in our progress

[00:20:32] [SPEAKER_01]: and so

[00:20:34] [SPEAKER_01]: you know that's totally normal

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and there's nothing wrong with that

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and that is still part of the process

[00:20:40] [SPEAKER_01]: but when you start getting into

[00:20:42] [SPEAKER_01]: blame, blame can

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_01]: entail blaming yourself

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: which is what we just talked about

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_01]: but it can also entail blaming other people

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_01]: and this is a really

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_01]: tricky one because I'm still trying to figure

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_01]: out my boundaries here because

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_01]: there are people that have done me wrong

[00:20:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I've told them and they claim to love

[00:21:00] [SPEAKER_01]: me and love me unconditionally

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_01]: and they just seem to look at me

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_01]: blankly and they won't acknowledge anything

[00:21:06] [SPEAKER_01]: that they've done to cause harm

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and they just continue to want to have a relationship

[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_01]: with me in some ways a healthy way

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_01]: all the while

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_01]: not acknowledging all the hurt that they cost

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_01]: and all the trauma that I have because of that

[00:21:18] [SPEAKER_01]: those relationships

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and

[00:21:22] [SPEAKER_01]: when you get into situations like that

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_01]: you've got the issues of forgiveness

[00:21:25] [SPEAKER_01]: and blame and there's times

[00:21:28] [SPEAKER_01]: where you can keep reiterating something

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_01]: that happened to you in your head

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_01]: where the energy changes from this happened to me

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm validating this, this was real

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to downplay this

[00:21:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and you tell yourself that over

[00:21:40] [SPEAKER_01]: and over to validate yourself but it can

[00:21:42] [SPEAKER_01]: snowball into becoming

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_01]: blame because we play this tape

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_01]: in our head it's like

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_01]: the energy behind it is different

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_01]: it's tricky, the energy behind

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_01]: blame and

[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_01]: being a victim is different than

[00:21:56] [SPEAKER_01]: saying it's not your fault

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_01]: when it's not your fault there's no

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_01]: malice there you're just trying

[00:22:02] [SPEAKER_01]: to help yourself heal and grow

[00:22:04] [SPEAKER_01]: when you tell someone else it's not their fault

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_01]: you have no malice

[00:22:08] [SPEAKER_01]: towards that person

[00:22:10] [SPEAKER_01]: when you blame somebody there's more

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_01]: malice towards that person

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_01]: when you blame somebody you're obsessed with it

[00:22:16] [SPEAKER_01]: when you blame somebody there is

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_01]: a heavy, dank, dark energy

[00:22:20] [SPEAKER_01]: around that when you blame somebody

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_01]: you're blocked there

[00:22:24] [SPEAKER_01]: you don't feel relief

[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_01]: when you are telling yourself it's not your fault

[00:22:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that you are enough that what happened

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_01]: to you did not exaggerate

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_01]: or imagine it there's a feeling

[00:22:34] [SPEAKER_01]: of relief but when there's

[00:22:36] [SPEAKER_01]: blame there's this heaviness

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_01]: you might get this sort of pleasure out of the anger

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_01]: you feel towards somebody but that

[00:22:42] [SPEAKER_01]: anger is coming from a dark

[00:22:44] [SPEAKER_01]: dense energy

[00:22:46] [SPEAKER_01]: and it's like well you know

[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_01]: this happened to me and

[00:22:50] [SPEAKER_01]: it wasn't fair that's not even

[00:22:52] [SPEAKER_01]: blame I don't think I think it's

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_01]: important to remind yourself that what happened

[00:22:56] [SPEAKER_01]: to you was not fair because that is

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_01]: validating but when you start

[00:22:59] [SPEAKER_01]: rubbing it in and wallowing

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_01]: in a way where you start

[00:23:04] [SPEAKER_01]: using ad hominem

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_01]: on the other person that means you start

[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_01]: attacking that other person personally

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_01]: or you're more focused

[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_01]: on them than you are on healing

[00:23:14] [SPEAKER_01]: yourself or when you're

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01]: obsessed with what they're doing or where they're

[00:23:18] [SPEAKER_01]: at or

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: when you just can't stop thinking

[00:23:22] [SPEAKER_01]: about it constantly those

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_01]: are more in the realm of blame

[00:23:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm telling you I'm honestly still trying to

[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_01]: figure out the blame part

[00:23:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and how forgiveness plays

[00:23:32] [SPEAKER_01]: a role in all this I want to have

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_01]: more insight on that based on my own

[00:23:35] [SPEAKER_01]: experience I have done years

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_01]: of healing work around forgiveness

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and it's a tricky one that I've struggled

[00:23:41] [SPEAKER_01]: with because it's like a

[00:23:43] [SPEAKER_01]: slippery banana peel I'm not

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_01]: saying that's your experience

[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying that

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_01]: that's true for everybody

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_01]: it isn't that's my unique

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_01]: experience and I'm just sharing it with you so

[00:23:55] [SPEAKER_01]: you can get one angle on where somebody

[00:23:57] [SPEAKER_01]: may struggle you may find

[00:23:59] [SPEAKER_01]: that forgiveness works better for you

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and that working through that stuff

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_01]: makes things change in your heart

[00:24:05] [SPEAKER_01]: you know when you feel lighter

[00:24:07] [SPEAKER_01]: you know when you feel relief

[00:24:08] [SPEAKER_01]: you know when you can acknowledge what

[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_01]: happened to you set boundaries with somebody

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_01]: maybe end a relationship but

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_01]: blame is where you hate the person

[00:24:17] [SPEAKER_01]: it's where you have these hard feelings

[00:24:19] [SPEAKER_01]: where you have a desire

[00:24:21] [SPEAKER_01]: to see bad things happen to that person

[00:24:23] [SPEAKER_01]: where you want them to hurt

[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_01]: as much as you did and it's understandable

[00:24:27] [SPEAKER_01]: that you would feel that way especially

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_01]: especially if

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_01]: somebody did something really horrible

[00:24:33] [SPEAKER_01]: really horrible to you or did it over

[00:24:35] [SPEAKER_01]: a long period of time

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm still struggling with that

[00:24:39] [SPEAKER_01]: with one or two people in my life where they were

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_01]: heinous and intentional about their abuse

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I struggle with that

[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_01]: okay so if you're not

[00:24:47] [SPEAKER_01]: at a point where you forgive and don't let people

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_01]: manipulate you with the forgiveness stuff

[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_01]: are we supposed to forgive yes

[00:24:53] [SPEAKER_01]: did God call us to forgive yes

[00:24:55] [SPEAKER_01]: should we be actively working on

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_01]: forgiveness yes but I've talked about

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_01]: this in other podcast episodes you can't force

[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_01]: forgiveness on somebody else

[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_01]: or on yourself it's kind

[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_01]: of something that simultaneously happens organically

[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and you kind of push it along

[00:25:09] [SPEAKER_01]: a little bit at the same time but you've got

[00:25:11] [SPEAKER_01]: to kind of nudge it and then

[00:25:13] [SPEAKER_01]: see how it responds that doesn't mean

[00:25:15] [SPEAKER_01]: every time you feel uncomfortable you just back

[00:25:17] [SPEAKER_01]: off and you're like oh well I'm not ready to forgive

[00:25:19] [SPEAKER_01]: there's going to be discomfort your flesh

[00:25:21] [SPEAKER_01]: is going to be like oh I don't want to do

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_01]: this it's not going to feel good

[00:25:25] [SPEAKER_01]: necessarily it might bring

[00:25:27] [SPEAKER_01]: relief it just depends on the person

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_01]: the circumstances where you're at

[00:25:31] [SPEAKER_01]: but you have to decide when you're

[00:25:33] [SPEAKER_01]: ready to forgive but as long as

[00:25:35] [SPEAKER_01]: you're actively trying to work

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_01]: on it without forcing

[00:25:39] [SPEAKER_01]: it that's how you also know

[00:25:41] [SPEAKER_01]: you're in a place where you're trying to move past

[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_01]: blaming blaming the other person

[00:25:45] [SPEAKER_01]: a victim mentality

[00:25:47] [SPEAKER_01]: is when something is always somebody

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_01]: else's fault when there's never anything

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_01]: you can do about anything even when people

[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_01]: present solutions to you and you haven't even

[00:25:55] [SPEAKER_01]: tried them a victim mentality

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_01]: is when all you can think about

[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_01]: is what happened to you and how unfair

[00:26:01] [SPEAKER_01]: it was and how terrible it was

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_01]: we all think about that we all get caught up

[00:26:05] [SPEAKER_01]: in that we're all wounded and hurt by that

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and it is not about

[00:26:10] [SPEAKER_01]: bypassing it's not about toxic

[00:26:11] [SPEAKER_01]: positivity is again it's not about

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_01]: forcing but it's about

[00:26:15] [SPEAKER_01]: an organic growth mindset

[00:26:17] [SPEAKER_01]: an organic process of healing

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_01]: that we surrender to

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_01]: God as we're ready we become more

[00:26:23] [SPEAKER_01]: vulnerable to

[00:26:25] [SPEAKER_01]: healing ourselves and more open to

[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_01]: it as we make progress

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_01]: and so a victim mentality

[00:26:32] [SPEAKER_01]: is somebody who's not working on their own

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_01]: healing now I want to say something

[00:26:35] [SPEAKER_01]: about this the abuse

[00:26:37] [SPEAKER_01]: and the trauma and the neglect

[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and the narcissistic abuse whatever

[00:26:41] [SPEAKER_01]: may have happened to you is not your

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_01]: fault if you had a rough

[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_01]: childhood and you weren't loved as much as your friend

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_01]: or your sibling or

[00:26:49] [SPEAKER_01]: your family members that were

[00:26:51] [SPEAKER_01]: your age or whatever that is not

[00:26:53] [SPEAKER_01]: their fault I do understand

[00:26:55] [SPEAKER_01]: envy I've seen so

[00:26:57] [SPEAKER_01]: many parallels with people my own

[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_01]: age where they've made progress and I'm still

[00:27:01] [SPEAKER_01]: struggling both when it comes to emotional

[00:27:04] [SPEAKER_01]: issues relationships

[00:27:05] [SPEAKER_01]: but also finances and careers

[00:27:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and love and things like that

[00:27:10] [SPEAKER_01]: and I've struggled in those areas and

[00:27:11] [SPEAKER_01]: they've made progress just because

[00:27:13] [SPEAKER_01]: they've taken the opportunities they've

[00:27:15] [SPEAKER_01]: been given and use them and there's areas where

[00:27:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I've worked my butt off and I still

[00:27:19] [SPEAKER_01]: have not seen results and that hurts

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_01]: that sucks and that's where

[00:27:23] [SPEAKER_01]: it's easy to get into a victim

[00:27:25] [SPEAKER_01]: mindset and that's where

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_01]: accountability comes in I don't even

[00:27:29] [SPEAKER_01]: have a right word for this I quit

[00:27:31] [SPEAKER_01]: using the word it's your responsibility

[00:27:33] [SPEAKER_01]: because I got tired of people gaslighting

[00:27:35] [SPEAKER_01]: me with that word and saying well

[00:27:37] [SPEAKER_01]: bad things may have happened to you but it's your

[00:27:39] [SPEAKER_01]: responsibility how you deal with it to me

[00:27:41] [SPEAKER_01]: that sounds like bypassing it doesn't sound

[00:27:43] [SPEAKER_01]: very compassionate

[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_01]: and it sounds like somebody who's

[00:27:47] [SPEAKER_01]: just trying to pass the buck without even

[00:27:49] [SPEAKER_01]: trying to understand what happened to you

[00:27:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and so abuse

[00:27:53] [SPEAKER_01]: is when you know when something

[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_01]: happens and it's not your fault and somebody

[00:27:57] [SPEAKER_01]: says well you need to deal with that or why

[00:27:59] [SPEAKER_01]: aren't you over that people that don't

[00:28:01] [SPEAKER_01]: understand trauma will say things like that

[00:28:03] [SPEAKER_01]: you've all heard these I've heard this a million

[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_01]: times in the group and with people writing

[00:28:07] [SPEAKER_01]: me they'll say they'll tell me that I

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_01]: haven't prayed hard enough that I don't

[00:28:11] [SPEAKER_01]: have enough faith that

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_01]: you know

[00:28:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't need to go see a therapist I just need to pray

[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_01]: about it and those are the most damaging

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_01]: hurtful

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_01]: re-traumatizing triggering lies

[00:28:27] [SPEAKER_01]: that you can hear

[00:28:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to make something clear there's nothing wrong with praying

[00:28:30] [SPEAKER_01]: there's nothing wrong with having faith

[00:28:32] [SPEAKER_01]: there's nothing wrong with any of those things

[00:28:34] [SPEAKER_01]: with

[00:28:36] [SPEAKER_01]: any of those things reading your Bible

[00:28:38] [SPEAKER_01]: but those things don't heal trauma

[00:28:40] [SPEAKER_01]: usually I'm not saying there's no

[00:28:42] [SPEAKER_01]: exceptions again please don't get me on that

[00:28:44] [SPEAKER_01]: but I'm saying those things along

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_01]: usually don't heal trauma in the body

[00:28:48] [SPEAKER_01]: people need therapy people need to

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_01]: do the somatic healing work people need to

[00:28:52] [SPEAKER_01]: get to the root of those traumas

[00:28:54] [SPEAKER_01]: people need to address blame

[00:28:56] [SPEAKER_01]: and harm and abuse

[00:28:58] [SPEAKER_01]: and just the things

[00:29:00] [SPEAKER_01]: that it causes you to believe about yourself

[00:29:02] [SPEAKER_01]: and you believe about God and believe

[00:29:04] [SPEAKER_01]: about your relationship with God

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and so taking accountability isn't

[00:29:08] [SPEAKER_01]: about well I guess I have

[00:29:10] [SPEAKER_01]: to deal with this stuff because this is what I have

[00:29:13] [SPEAKER_01]: it's more like

[00:29:14] [SPEAKER_01]: these things happen to you

[00:29:15] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not your fault you didn't do anything wrong

[00:29:18] [SPEAKER_01]: you're worthy of a good life

[00:29:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and while it sucks

[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_01]: and it isn't fair that you have all this stuff

[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_01]: to deal with and that you're not making progress

[00:29:25] [SPEAKER_01]: like other people may have

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_01]: or maybe you are in certain areas but not in others

[00:29:30] [SPEAKER_01]: that's not your fault

[00:29:32] [SPEAKER_01]: but the healing

[00:29:34] [SPEAKER_01]: journey is what will take you

[00:29:36] [SPEAKER_01]: to where you want to go

[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_01]: to have the life that you want to have

[00:29:39] [SPEAKER_01]: to have the healing you want to have

[00:29:41] [SPEAKER_01]: to feel the relief that you want to feel

[00:29:43] [SPEAKER_01]: and it's accountability

[00:29:44] [SPEAKER_01]: and taking ownership of your healing journey

[00:29:47] [SPEAKER_01]: that will allow you to do that

[00:29:49] [SPEAKER_01]: is it fair that you have to do that?

[00:29:51] [SPEAKER_01]: No, but is it the reality?

[00:29:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it is the reality

[00:29:55] [SPEAKER_01]: that's where you're not having a victim mindset

[00:29:58] [SPEAKER_01]: that's where you're taking accountability

[00:30:00] [SPEAKER_01]: without taking

[00:30:01] [SPEAKER_01]: blame you're actually

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_01]: taking ownership of your healing process

[00:30:05] [SPEAKER_01]: because you know you're worthy

[00:30:07] [SPEAKER_01]: because you love yourself

[00:30:08] [SPEAKER_01]: because you know God loves you

[00:30:10] [SPEAKER_01]: even if you don't have the fact that God loves you

[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_01]: in your body yet it's in your mind

[00:30:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and the more work you do

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_01]: you will start to feel somatically in your body

[00:30:19] [SPEAKER_01]: that God loves you

[00:30:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and just studying grace

[00:30:23] [SPEAKER_01]: and studying books on grace

[00:30:25] [SPEAKER_01]: and studying scriptures on grace

[00:30:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and that helps you to heal

[00:30:29] [SPEAKER_01]: trauma and blame as well

[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and helps you to start to feel God's love

[00:30:33] [SPEAKER_01]: on more of a visceral level

[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_01]: in the body as well

[00:30:36] [SPEAKER_01]: so the difference between accountability

[00:30:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and a victim mindset

[00:30:40] [SPEAKER_01]: is that a victim does not

[00:30:43] [SPEAKER_01]: try to improve themselves

[00:30:44] [SPEAKER_01]: a victim only focuses on the problem

[00:30:47] [SPEAKER_01]: instead of the solution

[00:30:48] [SPEAKER_01]: a victim doesn't just

[00:30:51] [SPEAKER_01]: talk about how unfair it was

[00:30:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and feel the pain you need to do that

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_01]: but they dwell there

[00:30:56] [SPEAKER_01]: they stay there

[00:30:57] [SPEAKER_01]: you don't need to stay there

[00:30:59] [SPEAKER_01]: you don't need to dwell there

[00:31:01] [SPEAKER_01]: allow yourself to feel what you're feeling

[00:31:03] [SPEAKER_01]: allow yourself to be there

[00:31:04] [SPEAKER_01]: give yourself space to express

[00:31:06] [SPEAKER_01]: the grief and the anger

[00:31:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and the hurt and the fear

[00:31:10] [SPEAKER_01]: without any conditions

[00:31:12] [SPEAKER_01]: without any specific

[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_01]: outcome that you're looking for

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_01]: other than to let that stuff come up

[00:31:19] [SPEAKER_01]: and out because it was never

[00:31:21] [SPEAKER_01]: allowed to express itself when it happened

[00:31:23] [SPEAKER_01]: and so it just continues to

[00:31:25] [SPEAKER_01]: replay in your mind and in your body

[00:31:27] [SPEAKER_01]: over and over and over with all these patterns in your life

[00:31:29] [SPEAKER_01]: and you can feel them in your body

[00:31:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and so what you need to do

[00:31:34] [SPEAKER_01]: is to let that come up

[00:31:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and out but when you start

[00:31:36] [SPEAKER_01]: getting in a place where it's nothing

[00:31:39] [SPEAKER_01]: but that you feel bad

[00:31:41] [SPEAKER_01]: it's nothing but

[00:31:42] [SPEAKER_01]: and it just replays and replays and replays

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_01]: and replays not just for a little while

[00:31:46] [SPEAKER_01]: but for an extended period of time

[00:31:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and you can't get out of it

[00:31:51] [SPEAKER_01]: that might be when you're getting into a victim mindset

[00:31:53] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not a conscious choice

[00:31:54] [SPEAKER_01]: at least when you get there a lot of times

[00:31:56] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not your fault sometimes

[00:31:57] [SPEAKER_01]: even the victim mindset when you get in it

[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and you're not aware of it

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not your fault now if you become aware of it

[00:32:04] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not about blame but that's when you have the power

[00:32:06] [SPEAKER_01]: to make a change

[00:32:07] [SPEAKER_01]: when you become consciously aware and you're like

[00:32:09] [SPEAKER_01]: maybe you've been in this mindset for a few days

[00:32:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and you don't realize it and then you're like

[00:32:14] [SPEAKER_01]: oh

[00:32:16] [SPEAKER_01]: oh

[00:32:17] [SPEAKER_01]: okay so there's one example that helps me

[00:32:20] [SPEAKER_01]: to kind of shed light on this

[00:32:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know how many of you watch the show Friends

[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_01]: but there's a

[00:32:25] [SPEAKER_01]: part where Ross

[00:32:28] [SPEAKER_01]: he's broken up with Emily

[00:32:29] [SPEAKER_01]: remember when he said Rachel's name at their wedding

[00:32:32] [SPEAKER_01]: and he tried to get her back and then she made

[00:32:33] [SPEAKER_01]: his life miserable and they finally broke up

[00:32:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and

[00:32:36] [SPEAKER_01]: he starts dating Janice

[00:32:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Janice is

[00:32:40] [SPEAKER_01]: his friend Chandler's ex-girlfriend

[00:32:42] [SPEAKER_01]: she's a mother, she understands what it's like

[00:32:45] [SPEAKER_01]: to be a single parent because Ross has

[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_01]: a son from a previous marriage

[00:32:49] [SPEAKER_01]: but anyway he's been in this phase

[00:32:52] [SPEAKER_01]: where things are just going wrong

[00:32:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and he's just complaining about everything

[00:32:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and whining about everything

[00:32:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean like that's all he does

[00:32:58] [SPEAKER_01]: is just talk about his problems

[00:33:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and how

[00:33:02] [SPEAKER_01]: things are not going right and every little thing that goes wrong

[00:33:06] [SPEAKER_01]: he's like

[00:33:06] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah, yeah

[00:33:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and then like

[00:33:09] [SPEAKER_01]: his friend Janice if you know the show

[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_01]: she's got that whiny loud high pitch voice

[00:33:14] [SPEAKER_01]: that's really annoying

[00:33:16] [SPEAKER_01]: but there's a moment where he's

[00:33:18] [SPEAKER_01]: he's like

[00:33:18] [SPEAKER_01]: he feels like he can open up to her and be vulnerable to her

[00:33:21] [SPEAKER_01]: and vent to her because she knows what it feels like

[00:33:23] [SPEAKER_01]: to be divorced, she knows what it feels like

[00:33:26] [SPEAKER_01]: to be betrayed

[00:33:27] [SPEAKER_01]: she knows what it feels like to be a single parent

[00:33:29] [SPEAKER_01]: and so he does open up to her as a sounding board

[00:33:32] [SPEAKER_01]: and at first it's healthy I think

[00:33:33] [SPEAKER_01]: their relationship but as it goes on

[00:33:36] [SPEAKER_01]: he just starts trauma dumping

[00:33:38] [SPEAKER_01]: on her again not a phrase

[00:33:40] [SPEAKER_01]: that I love and

[00:33:41] [SPEAKER_01]: one that I'll talk about in another episode

[00:33:43] [SPEAKER_01]: but that opens a whole other can of worms

[00:33:45] [SPEAKER_01]: but basically he just

[00:33:47] [SPEAKER_01]: crosses her boundaries again and again

[00:33:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and again and just

[00:33:51] [SPEAKER_01]: vents to her nonstop to the point that

[00:33:53] [SPEAKER_01]: it gets overwhelming for her

[00:33:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and she tries to put up with it and finally

[00:33:57] [SPEAKER_01]: she's using this whiny voice she's like

[00:33:59] [SPEAKER_01]: uh

[00:34:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and she's like you are so whiny

[00:34:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I can't deal with this anymore

[00:34:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and

[00:34:08] [SPEAKER_01]: knowing that Janice

[00:34:09] [SPEAKER_01]: is one of the whiniest people that he knows

[00:34:11] [SPEAKER_01]: he's like wait a second

[00:34:13] [SPEAKER_01]: what I'm whiny

[00:34:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and she's like

[00:34:16] [SPEAKER_01]: and he's like I'm whiny

[00:34:18] [SPEAKER_01]: she's like I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to break up

[00:34:21] [SPEAKER_01]: with you I can't deal with this

[00:34:23] [SPEAKER_01]: she's like are you okay he's like I am now

[00:34:25] [SPEAKER_01]: because he woke up

[00:34:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and he realized that he was feeling

[00:34:29] [SPEAKER_01]: sorry for himself and it wasn't his fault

[00:34:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I think initially that he had those emotions

[00:34:33] [SPEAKER_01]: and wasn't consciously aware of them

[00:34:34] [SPEAKER_01]: but when he became aware of them

[00:34:36] [SPEAKER_01]: he started taking steps to take ownership

[00:34:39] [SPEAKER_01]: of his life he got a new apartment

[00:34:40] [SPEAKER_01]: he started working on trying to find healthier

[00:34:42] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships and so the whole point

[00:34:45] [SPEAKER_01]: so even if you're not familiar with

[00:34:47] [SPEAKER_01]: the show it's a good example of

[00:34:49] [SPEAKER_01]: how you can be in a victim

[00:34:50] [SPEAKER_01]: mindset without realizing it and that that might not

[00:34:52] [SPEAKER_01]: be your fault but if you go into that mindset

[00:34:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and you become aware of it

[00:34:56] [SPEAKER_01]: you need to switch gears

[00:34:58] [SPEAKER_01]: and move in a different direction

[00:35:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and that's where accountability and taking ownership

[00:35:02] [SPEAKER_01]: and doing the healing work

[00:35:04] [SPEAKER_01]: even though everything that happened to you is not

[00:35:06] [SPEAKER_01]: your fault that you need to do that healing

[00:35:09] [SPEAKER_01]: work to be able to make that progress

[00:35:10] [SPEAKER_01]: and it could be anything

[00:35:12] [SPEAKER_01]: it looks different for everybody but the main

[00:35:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and most important thing is that you're taking

[00:35:16] [SPEAKER_01]: those steps and that you're

[00:35:18] [SPEAKER_01]: tailoring them to your unique experience

[00:35:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and that you're learning and that

[00:35:22] [SPEAKER_01]: you're working on it and you're growing

[00:35:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and you're reminding yourself that you are enough

[00:35:26] [SPEAKER_01]: that it's not your fault

[00:35:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that what happened to you was not fair

[00:35:31] [SPEAKER_01]: both

[00:35:32] [SPEAKER_01]: and both and I'm going

[00:35:34] [SPEAKER_01]: to work on this God is going to heal me

[00:35:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to do the healing work

[00:35:38] [SPEAKER_01]: to get this trauma to come up and out of my body

[00:35:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to learn to accept

[00:35:42] [SPEAKER_01]: God's unconditional love I'm going to learn

[00:35:44] [SPEAKER_01]: to accept myself and love myself unconditionally

[00:35:47] [SPEAKER_01]: and that

[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_01]: is those work in tandem it's

[00:35:50] [SPEAKER_01]: both and it's not your fault

[00:35:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and

[00:35:55] [SPEAKER_01]: you need to do the healing

[00:35:56] [SPEAKER_01]: work to make progress

[00:35:59] [SPEAKER_01]: you are enough

[00:36:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and you need to take

[00:36:02] [SPEAKER_01]: the healing journey steps in order to

[00:36:04] [SPEAKER_01]: be able to find the life that you want to take

[00:36:07] [SPEAKER_01]: that you want to have

[00:36:08] [SPEAKER_01]: so I don't know

[00:36:10] [SPEAKER_01]: if I've used the best vocabulary in this talk

[00:36:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I've used

[00:36:14] [SPEAKER_01]: the right examples or metaphors

[00:36:16] [SPEAKER_01]: but I just wanted to

[00:36:18] [SPEAKER_01]: help to differentiate because

[00:36:20] [SPEAKER_01]: so many people have fog

[00:36:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and everything gets obscured

[00:36:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and there's a lot of confusion

[00:36:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and there's a lot of misunderstanding

[00:36:28] [SPEAKER_01]: and things get tangled up and crisscrossed

[00:36:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and it's easy to

[00:36:33] [SPEAKER_01]: connect

[00:36:34] [SPEAKER_01]: blaming

[00:36:36] [SPEAKER_01]: somebody else in victim mentality

[00:36:38] [SPEAKER_01]: with it not being your fault

[00:36:40] [SPEAKER_01]: and feeling like it's not fair

[00:36:42] [SPEAKER_01]: those can get tangled up together

[00:36:43] [SPEAKER_01]: also feeling like you're downplaying

[00:36:47] [SPEAKER_01]: what happened to you

[00:36:48] [SPEAKER_01]: or you do downplay what happened to you

[00:36:51] [SPEAKER_01]: because you're scared you're going to try

[00:36:52] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to be a victim

[00:36:53] [SPEAKER_01]: this stuff is tricky you have to work on fine tuning it

[00:36:56] [SPEAKER_01]: if you get a little bit too far

[00:36:59] [SPEAKER_01]: into one area and then go

[00:37:01] [SPEAKER_01]: with self blame and then go too far

[00:37:03] [SPEAKER_01]: in the other area with starting

[00:37:05] [SPEAKER_01]: to become having more of a victim

[00:37:06] [SPEAKER_01]: mindset instead of and really

[00:37:10] [SPEAKER_01]: overdoing it

[00:37:11] [SPEAKER_01]: there is that's okay

[00:37:13] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to get out of balance

[00:37:14] [SPEAKER_01]: you need to show yourself compassion I know

[00:37:17] [SPEAKER_01]: easier said than done right but show

[00:37:19] [SPEAKER_01]: yourself compassion because you will get out of balance

[00:37:21] [SPEAKER_01]: at times you will get out of

[00:37:23] [SPEAKER_01]: balance and it's

[00:37:25] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to get out of balance every now and then

[00:37:27] [SPEAKER_01]: anyway when you drive down the road if you're driving

[00:37:29] [SPEAKER_01]: for hours you're going to occasionally

[00:37:30] [SPEAKER_01]: find yourself crossing closer

[00:37:32] [SPEAKER_01]: to the center line even if you don't touch it

[00:37:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and then you're going to pull your car back over to the right

[00:37:37] [SPEAKER_01]: or the left if you're in Britain

[00:37:38] [SPEAKER_01]: but it's

[00:37:40] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to find yourself slowly going off the

[00:37:42] [SPEAKER_01]: side of the road on the other side and then you have to correct

[00:37:45] [SPEAKER_01]: and bring yourself back to the middle

[00:37:46] [SPEAKER_01]: halfway between that white line

[00:37:48] [SPEAKER_01]: on the right and that middle yellow line

[00:37:50] [SPEAKER_01]: on the left you have to

[00:37:52] [SPEAKER_01]: realize that it's not

[00:37:54] [SPEAKER_01]: that you're going to be in a perfect balance

[00:37:56] [SPEAKER_01]: all the time it's more like

[00:37:58] [SPEAKER_01]: an organic process where you're constantly

[00:38:01] [SPEAKER_01]: working on

[00:38:04] [SPEAKER_01]: kind of keeping it

[00:38:05] [SPEAKER_01]: in a place but you're always

[00:38:07] [SPEAKER_01]: in motion things are always changing

[00:38:09] [SPEAKER_01]: it's

[00:38:10] [SPEAKER_01]: something that's constantly moving

[00:38:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and changing

[00:38:15] [SPEAKER_01]: so you're not going to stay

[00:38:16] [SPEAKER_01]: straight all the time

[00:38:18] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to constantly make small adjustments

[00:38:21] [SPEAKER_01]: of okay I don't want to be too far

[00:38:23] [SPEAKER_01]: in the victim mentality but I also don't want to blame myself

[00:38:25] [SPEAKER_01]: when you start seeing yourself do that

[00:38:27] [SPEAKER_01]: just make an adjustment be kind to yourself

[00:38:29] [SPEAKER_01]: be patient with yourself because

[00:38:30] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to get out of balance sometimes

[00:38:32] [SPEAKER_01]: when you're trying to heal trauma but you're also

[00:38:35] [SPEAKER_01]: trying not to blame yourself

[00:38:37] [SPEAKER_01]: okay

[00:38:38] [SPEAKER_01]: so I hope that

[00:38:40] [SPEAKER_01]: something in this speech has maybe given you a nugget

[00:38:43] [SPEAKER_01]: or an insight or something

[00:38:45] [SPEAKER_01]: that you can work on you might go back in

[00:38:47] [SPEAKER_01]: journal about something that stood out

[00:38:49] [SPEAKER_01]: to you go back and re-listen to that little

[00:38:51] [SPEAKER_01]: section that maybe something

[00:38:53] [SPEAKER_01]: went to Ching or resonated

[00:38:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and just journal about it and just get

[00:38:57] [SPEAKER_01]: some clarity on it because clarity

[00:38:59] [SPEAKER_01]: is everything when it comes to healing

[00:39:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and that's why I wanted to talk

[00:39:03] [SPEAKER_01]: about how to heal trauma without blaming yourself

[00:39:05] [SPEAKER_01]: okay so just know that you

[00:39:07] [SPEAKER_01]: are worthy you are

[00:39:09] [SPEAKER_01]: any kind of abuse or trauma that

[00:39:11] [SPEAKER_01]: happened to you is not your fault

[00:39:12] [SPEAKER_01]: you are enough God loves

[00:39:15] [SPEAKER_01]: you you did not

[00:39:17] [SPEAKER_01]: deserve what happened to you nobody

[00:39:19] [SPEAKER_01]: else who did not experience trauma

[00:39:21] [SPEAKER_01]: deserved that

[00:39:23] [SPEAKER_01]: anymore either people that have

[00:39:25] [SPEAKER_01]: a better life there's

[00:39:27] [SPEAKER_01]: no comparison between you and the other person

[00:39:29] [SPEAKER_01]: because you're two totally different people you're on

[00:39:31] [SPEAKER_01]: two totally different walks and

[00:39:33] [SPEAKER_01]: what happens in their life is not your

[00:39:35] [SPEAKER_01]: concern or your business and what happens in your

[00:39:37] [SPEAKER_01]: life is not their concern or their business

[00:39:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't mean I'm not talking

[00:39:41] [SPEAKER_01]: about like caring about somebody or being happy

[00:39:43] [SPEAKER_01]: for them when good things happen I've

[00:39:45] [SPEAKER_01]: had so many struggles in my life at

[00:39:47] [SPEAKER_01]: times and then had friends and family

[00:39:49] [SPEAKER_01]: were wonderful things were happening in their life

[00:39:51] [SPEAKER_01]: things that I wanted to happen to me

[00:39:53] [SPEAKER_01]: by the way or to do to create

[00:39:55] [SPEAKER_01]: in my life and it hurt

[00:39:57] [SPEAKER_01]: it's stung to be

[00:39:59] [SPEAKER_01]: happy for that person but you know what they

[00:40:01] [SPEAKER_01]: didn't cause my trauma they deserve

[00:40:03] [SPEAKER_01]: what good things happened to them even

[00:40:05] [SPEAKER_01]: if it hadn't happened to me yet so I didn't

[00:40:07] [SPEAKER_01]: blame them I didn't take it on them even

[00:40:09] [SPEAKER_01]: if it hurt I told them I was happy

[00:40:11] [SPEAKER_01]: for them I congratulated them I showed them

[00:40:13] [SPEAKER_01]: good will because they're a good person and

[00:40:15] [SPEAKER_01]: they're in my life and I love them and I want

[00:40:17] [SPEAKER_01]: good things to happen to them as much as

[00:40:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I want good things to happen to

[00:40:20] [SPEAKER_01]: myself and to every one of you

[00:40:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I want good things for you

[00:40:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to feel loved

[00:40:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to know that if you are mistreated

[00:40:29] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not your fault I want you to know

[00:40:31] [SPEAKER_01]: that God loves you I want you to know

[00:40:33] [SPEAKER_01]: that you are enough I want you to know

[00:40:35] [SPEAKER_01]: that victim

[00:40:37] [SPEAKER_01]: mentality that you're better than that

[00:40:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and that you can heal I want you to

[00:40:41] [SPEAKER_01]: know that accountability even though it's not

[00:40:43] [SPEAKER_01]: fair that we have to take accountability

[00:40:44] [SPEAKER_01]: it's the healing journey that soothes us

[00:40:47] [SPEAKER_01]: and heals us and makes us feel better

[00:40:48] [SPEAKER_01]: so continue to pursue the healing

[00:40:50] [SPEAKER_01]: journey and continue to find that balance

[00:40:53] [SPEAKER_01]: between healing and not blaming yourself

[00:40:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope this podcast episode

[00:40:56] [SPEAKER_01]: has been helpful thank you so much for following

[00:40:59] [SPEAKER_01]: me remember to check out the show notes

[00:41:01] [SPEAKER_01]: for all the resources I mentioned at the beginning

[00:41:02] [SPEAKER_01]: of the podcast remember

[00:41:04] [SPEAKER_01]: love is your fearfully and wonderfully made

[00:41:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and God loves you

[00:41:10] [SPEAKER_00]: thank you so much for tuning into this week's

[00:41:13] [SPEAKER_00]: episode of Christian emotional recovery

[00:41:16] [SPEAKER_00]: hosted by Rachel LaRoy

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_00]: for links to this week's resources

[00:41:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and to join the discussion

[00:41:22] [SPEAKER_00]: check out this episodes

[00:41:23] [SPEAKER_00]: show notes at Christian emotional

[00:41:26] [SPEAKER_00]: recovery dot com

[00:41:27] [SPEAKER_00]: where you can also find links to our

[00:41:29] [SPEAKER_00]: YouTube channel and Facebook group

[00:41:31] [SPEAKER_00]: join our email list

[00:41:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and get other episodes and resources

[00:41:36] [SPEAKER_00]: if you enjoyed the podcast

[00:41:38] [SPEAKER_00]: please leave a comment

[00:41:38] [SPEAKER_00]: please rate and review the podcast

[00:41:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and tell a friend who may benefit from this

[00:41:42] [SPEAKER_00]: message see you next time

[00:41:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and remember beloveds

[00:41:46] [SPEAKER_00]: God loves you

[00:41:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and you are fearfully and wonderfully made